Want a poster-size print of yourself riding a dinosaur ? Of course you do, it’s like every child’s grown man’s dream. Well it is mine at least. And now thanks to Dinoprints, you won’t have to do the Photoshopping yourself! $50 gets a 24″ x 36″ print of yourself riding a t-rex , spinosaurus or wooly mammoth, with more dinosaur options on the way. You just take a picture of yourself in the proper straddling pose, upload it, and Dinoprints takes care of the rest. “You’re gonna make it look like you’re banging one, aren’t you?” Pfft — please . I’m gonna make it look like I’m banging two. Hit the jump for a gallery of the possibilities. You can even use a pet!

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Yes!: Poster-Size Prints Of You Riding A Dinosaur

This is a rendering of Link and some of his various swords/weapons (more after the jump) created by LEGO/Zelda lover Michael Inglis. Michael has actually been 3-D printing his own Zelda accessories for awhile, but hopes LEGO and Nintendo might rub butts in the future and produce some real, licensed playsets. OMG, yes! Then — THEN — they could make a LEGO Zelda video game but instead of being 3-D like the rest of them will be an HD reboot of the original AAAAAH BONER BONER BONER. Hit the jump for some more accessories, a stop-motion LEGO/Zelda movie Michael made a couple years ago, as well as the link to the “petition” which LEGO will review if it collects 10,000 likes.

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LEGO/Nintendo, Get On This: LEGO Legend Of Zelda

The FPSRussia guy is back, this time shooting a rooty tooty fresh’n fruity fully automatic 40mm machine gun. On a 1-to-10 scale of pews , this thing is like a 14. Which, not to brag or anything, is the same age I saw my first tit . Sure it was scrambled on Cinemax and I’m pretty sure the kid whose slumber party I was at was masturbating in his sleeping bag, but hey — as long as he was staring at one of our other friends and not me IT’S ALL PIZZA AND MOUNTAIN DEW IN MY BOOK, BABY. Hit the jump for the gun in action, then hit the link to his Youtube channel for like forty billion other gun demos.

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MEGA PEWS, MEGA’ER FUN: FPSRussia Guy Shooting Fully Auto 40mm Machine Gun

Not gonna lie, probably wouldn’t wave my hand in front of it for less than $20. Seen here looking at least partially constructed out of tin-foil, the Navy has made a breakthrough in the laser department , creating a free-electron laser (FEL) capable of producing a sustained 500 kilovolt beam OF TOTAL DESTRUCTION (the previous record was 320kV, and four years ago was an embarrassing 10kV). Which, while impressive, is nowhere near as badass as the 1,100kV laser I’m working on. “Uh, did you invent that just so you could say, ‘TURN IT UP TO ELEVEN…HUNDRED’?” Yes, yes I turn it up to 1,100% did. The new technology will allow the Navy to utilize the powerful “death ray” to burn up incoming missiles or punch holes in an enemy vessel’s hull. “Five hundred [kilovolts] has been the project goal for a long time,” says George Neil, the FEL associate director at Jefferson Labs. “The injector area is one of the critical areas.” The free-electron laser is one the U.S. Navy’s highest-priority weapons programs. The future of weaponry rests in “fighting at the speed of light and hypersonics,” says Rear Adm. Nevin Carr, the Navy’s chief of research. “We’re fast approaching the limits of our ability to hit maneuvering pieces of metal in the sky with other maneuvering pieces of metal.” So, give it to me straight: is a superlaser capable of burning through 20-feet of steel a second covered under my second amendment right to bear arms? Kidding — why would I want bear arms?! They’d probably be covered in honey and bee stings! Hit the jump for a 6:45 dozer of a video about the technology.

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Serious PEWS: New Navy Superlaser Can Burn Through 20 Feet Of Steel Per Second

Period Panties are $12 colored skivvies for ladies to wear while they’re on their monthly emotion-fest so they don’t ruin a pair of frilly lace ones. Or something. Honestly, I don’t know anything about women and only learned last week vaginas aren’t oriented sideways like I always imagined. So yeah, I’m probably the wrong person to ask for stuff like this. For directions, sure, but I am going to send you into the worst part of town I can think of. Which, fun fact: is my neighborhood. Then I’ll follow you on my bike and beat you up and steal your hubcaps. I’MMA SELL ‘EM FOR CRACK! Hit the jump for the two other designs and a link to the product site.

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You Don’t Even Want To Know: Period Panties

This is a series of eyeball closeups taken by Suren Manvelyan . Why anybody would want to take a bunch of freaky macro eyeball pictures is beyond me, but I suspect Suren is trying to steal souls. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF POTIONS ARE YOU MIXING, WIZARD?! Hit the jump for a ton more ookiness.

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Windows To The Soul: Eyeball Closeups

I’d never heard the term “human ivory” before, and I’m gonna be honest, I’m kind of wishing I still hadn’t. In case you couldn’t tell from the picture, it’s human finger and toenail clippings . Now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna go puke, wash my face and get myself together again, and then puke some more. Kidding, I think this is great. I even bite off and chew my own nails sometimes. “Uh, GW — have you ever used a microscope to actually see what’s under your fingernails before?” Yes — dead penis cells. Hit the jump for a couple more examples and a link to Rachel’s (the maker’s) Etsy store.

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‘Human Ivory’ & Belly Button Lint Art/Jewelry

Note: This is only a small, unreadable portion of the infographic, click HERE to see the whole thing in stunning 3-D. Fine, FINE — 2-D . This is an infographic all about Apple . I thought it was pretty interesting. And by pretty interesting I mean I would have been just as excited if it were about the fruit. Mmmm, love those things with a little peanut butter . Pears too! Anyway, I didn’t even have to look at the financials (and I probably never will) to know I want a piece of that. A piece of that pie . That Apple pie. See what I did there? “Shamed yourself?” Exactly. Apple By Numbers [techi] Thanks to Brettmucker, who knows four apples a day will not only keep the doctor away, they’ll help attract horses.

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Give It To Me Straight, How Many To Keep The Doctor Away?: Apple By The Numbers

Relax, they’re bad guys, bro . They work for Bowser . They’re not even worth burying. God, if I beat myself up every time I stomped an enemy I’d be in the ICU all the f***ing time. And not just because I like the pudding, but I did contact the food distributor and they won’t sell to individuals. Long story short: I want you to stab me with this ninja sword. But only deep enough so they keep me over the weekend. Oh shit, wait — help me install my catheter first. Huh? What’s it look like — it’s a McDonald’s straw. Now on the count of three I want you to jab it in my penis like a Capri Sun. Mario [maneggs] via Mario Cartoon [thedailywh.at] Thanks to Allo and Kake, who would have dug up that goomba and stolen his wallet. Damn — ya’ll cold!

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Awh — Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself, Mario

This is a video documenting the location and country responsible for all 2,053 known nuclear explosions between 1945-1998. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? If you answered, “Jesus, how are we all not dead ?” you are! You know the Ruskies were experimenting with blowing up the earth’s core and destroying the planet, right? Because I didn’t just make that up. It came to me in a dream. The same one where I had sex with a lava monster! Although the map and graphics are almost comically low-res, the minimalist presentation is so effective you can’t look away. Every explosion produces a musical chime, and every time a new nation goes nuclear, it gets a different note. We were particularly struck by the Cold War musical duel between the U.S. and U.S.S.R., as each responds to the other’s nuclear testing, resulting in a darkly impressive light show on the map. Neat idea. So neat I’ve been inspired to make a world map with the chronology of my sexual experiences from 1995-2010. Hold on to your hats, folks, you’re about to see some real fireworks! Idaho, 2004: looked at another man’s wiener while peeing. Hit it for the long-ass video (and a sped-up Youtube version), but feel free to skip around.

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Video Shows Location/Country Responsible For All Nuclear Explosions From 1948-1998