Note: This is only a small, unreadable portion of the infographic, click HERE to see the whole thing in stunning 3-D. Fine, FINE — 2-D . This is an infographic all about Apple . I thought it was pretty interesting. And by pretty interesting I mean I would have been just as excited if it were about the fruit. Mmmm, love those things with a little peanut butter . Pears too! Anyway, I didn’t even have to look at the financials (and I probably never will) to know I want a piece of that. A piece of that pie . That Apple pie. See what I did there? “Shamed yourself?” Exactly. Apple By Numbers [techi] Thanks to Brettmucker, who knows four apples a day will not only keep the doctor away, they’ll help attract horses.

Excerpt from:
Give It To Me Straight, How Many To Keep The Doctor Away?: Apple By The Numbers

Relax, they’re bad guys, bro . They work for Bowser . They’re not even worth burying. God, if I beat myself up every time I stomped an enemy I’d be in the ICU all the f***ing time. And not just because I like the pudding, but I did contact the food distributor and they won’t sell to individuals. Long story short: I want you to stab me with this ninja sword. But only deep enough so they keep me over the weekend. Oh shit, wait — help me install my catheter first. Huh? What’s it look like — it’s a McDonald’s straw. Now on the count of three I want you to jab it in my penis like a Capri Sun. Mario [maneggs] via Mario Cartoon [thedailywh.at] Thanks to Allo and Kake, who would have dug up that goomba and stolen his wallet. Damn — ya’ll cold!

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Awh — Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself, Mario

This is a video documenting the location and country responsible for all 2,053 known nuclear explosions between 1945-1998. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? If you answered, “Jesus, how are we all not dead ?” you are! You know the Ruskies were experimenting with blowing up the earth’s core and destroying the planet, right? Because I didn’t just make that up. It came to me in a dream. The same one where I had sex with a lava monster! Although the map and graphics are almost comically low-res, the minimalist presentation is so effective you can’t look away. Every explosion produces a musical chime, and every time a new nation goes nuclear, it gets a different note. We were particularly struck by the Cold War musical duel between the U.S. and U.S.S.R., as each responds to the other’s nuclear testing, resulting in a darkly impressive light show on the map. Neat idea. So neat I’ve been inspired to make a world map with the chronology of my sexual experiences from 1995-2010. Hold on to your hats, folks, you’re about to see some real fireworks! Idaho, 2004: looked at another man’s wiener while peeing. Hit it for the long-ass video (and a sped-up Youtube version), but feel free to skip around.

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Video Shows Location/Country Responsible For All Nuclear Explosions From 1948-1998

Seen here demonstrating how Power Wheels are made, this is the The Shadow Hawk Street Hawk: coming soon to my driveway elevator garage . Okay maybe not. But only because I could never part with the Tercel. The Street Hawk is the first vehicle with 46 inches of independent wheel travel without camber or caster compromise. The ride height or ground clearance is adjustable from zero to 44 inches while in motion. The Street Hawk has 1,100 horsepower, 1,805 foot pounds of torque and has a highway estimated 22mpg. The vehicle is all-wheel-drive with 40 inch tall, 15.5 inch wide tires and 22 inch wheels. The air suspended seats are hand crafter to the driver’s specific proportions. From the driver’s seat you can control the vehicles pitch, roll and overall ride height using D-pad controls beneath your fingertips. The Street Hawk is the best on-road performing Shadow Hawk. With an overall weight of 4,800 pounds, the Street Hawk can accelerate from 0 to 60mph in 3.5 seconds and has a calculated top speed of 208mph . The vehicle uses an innovative actijavascript:void(0);ve suspension system that leans into corners and maintains the ideal camber and caster geometry throughout operation. Production is set at 12 units per year with the first vehicle available in late 2011. I want one. No, I NEED one. And they start at only $1.2 million. I’m gonna buy all of next year’s production! In my dreams. And speaking of my dreams: I had one last night where I was making out with a werewolf (I blame Twilight ). So yeah, what’s that mean? And, completely unrelated, any idea why my dog’s been hiding under the bed all day? Must be sick. Hit the jump for a bunch more pictures.

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DO WANT: Street Hawk Urban Assault Vehicle

NOTE: Commercial for the WTF You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me Blanket is after the jump. The Better Marriage Blanket is an actual damn product , officially signaling the end of mankind. Or maybe just flatulence -related divorces! It’s basically a comforter with a layer of activated carbon sewn in so when you rip a squirty one your partner doesn’t have to smell it. Unless they’re into that sort of thing, in which case I have a blanket beyond their wildest dreams. Hit it for the I know I shouldn’t be surprised this exists but I’m still disappointed with humanity.

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It’s Anti-Toot!: The Better Marriage Blanket

Is there anything funnier than tricking a Japanese man into a meeting and then faking the death of everybody else in the room by sniper fire? No. Unlessssss the alleged gunman then bursts in and puts his weapon to the man’s head and pulls the trigger. Seriously, you’re sick, Japan (keep the freaky Hentai coming). Youtube Thanks to Closet Nerd and Harry, whose parents don’t allow them to watch Japanese TV for fear of them becoming morally corrupt.

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Highly Questionable Japanese Sniper Prank

Awesome, a lamp powered by human blood . Because this will end well. What if, every time you wanted to switch on a light, you had to bleed? Would you think twice before illuminating the room, and in turn, using up energy? That’s the idea behind the blood lamp, invented by Mike Thomspon, an English designer based in The Netherlands. The lamp contains luminol - the same chemical forensic scientists use to check for traces of blood at a crime scence. Luminol reacts with the iron in red blood cells and creates a bright blue glow. To use the lamp, you first need to mix in an activating powder. Then, you break the glass, cut yourself, and drip blood into the opening. And this, my friends, is how our robotic overlords will read their Kindles at night. And I’ll be damned if I become some robot’s lamp juice. You hear me?! You will never take my blood! Quick, Edward , bite me! DO IT NOW, NANCY! *swoon* God I love your hair. Lamp Runs On Human Blood [livescience] Thanks to Dustin, who has never kissed a vampire (he didn’t like).

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Don’t Tell The Robots!: Blood Powered Lamp

Okay so I just noticed I left the “r” out of “your” in that Facebook update but that’s what happens when you stay up till 5 am binge drinking , you know? Also, waking up with strange bruises and an even stranger man in your bed (seriously brah, it’s 10:30 — time for you to go). Anyway, worst burglar ever: The popular online social networking site Facebook helped lead to an alleged burglar’s arrest after he stopped check his account on the victim’s computer, but forgot to log out before leaving the home with two diamond rings. [The victim] told police that someone had broken into her home through a bedroom window. There were open cabinets in her garage, and other signs of a burglar. The victim later noticed that the intruder also used her computer to check his Facebook status, and his account was still open when she checked the computer. Wow, that’s almost as bad as the time I broke into a house and accidentally spelled my name out on the fridge in alphabet magnets. Almost — but this guy is way stupider. Burglar leaves his Facebook page on victim’s computer [thejournal] Thanks to Joshua, nancypantz, Brian and Fally, who ONLY break into people’s places to check their status updates.

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Pathetic: Burglar Stops To Check Facebook On Victim’s Computer, Forgets To Log Out

This is a literal video for Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt the 80’s were wack as a mother. Of course, current music videos could be just as weird, but I don’t watch MTV because I’m not in middle school anymore. Kidding, cable got cut off. Total Eclipse spoof [dailymotion] Thanks to shane, who literally video’d himself banging his girlfriend.

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Literal Video: Total Eclipse Of The Heart

China. They all seem to come from China. And let me tell you something: I’m sure as hell not eating the cat food there. A kitty in Chongqing, China, is getting some extra-special attention these days: The furry feline has developed wings! Though born looking completely normal, once the cat hit the age of 1, he began growing wing-shaped appendages on either side of his spine. According to the Telegraph’s report, scientists believe the appendages developed due to grooming habits, a genetic defect or a hereditary skin condition. Nice one, scientists. How about you just admit you have no effing clue. That said, I change my mind about not eating Chinese cat food (zing, local Chinese restaurant). I’m gonna grow wings! Climb aboard ladies, I’ll take you places no other woman has ever been. The moon! My bedroom . Washed the dinosaur sheets just for you baby. Also, I have a mini-fridge. With snacks. Cat in China grows a pair of wings [msnbc] Thanks to Sharkey and Paul, who are holding out for flying dogs like that funky bitch Falcore the Luck Dragon from The Neverending Story .

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Where Are These Flying Cats Coming From?