NOTE: SERIOUSLY TURN YOUR SPEAKERS DOWN TO BETWEEN 0 AND 1. I know I said no more Christmas posts , but I’m also a notorious liar. Just ask any my friends. “One time I used my only phone call from jail to call him and he said he’d be right there to bail me out. He never came.” Haha! Yeah, I went right back to sleep. This is a video of a kid getting an iPod Touch for Christmas and then raging his screamy little face off . It…reminds me why I don’t want to have kids. So much so I just nuked my balls in the microwave for like two minutes. “I thought it smelled like burnt pube and Hot Pocket in here!” Bite? Hit the jump for the video and remember to WRAP THAT DANGLE UP. UPDATE: So I just watched the video again because I hate myself that bad and please, don’t even bother — you’ll seriously regret it.

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Turn The Volume Down: Kid Gets iPod Touch, Rages

Sexy finger-biting: you give it a bad name. In between getting boned or whatever scenes, p0rn stars Alana Evans and Misti Dawn are apparently hard core gamers . So what are they doing? Opening a website that combines video game reviews, playthroughs and a bunch of other garbo, but with toplessness . Now listen: I love man as much as the next boobs, but this shit sounds lame. ” Um…GW? ” I MEANT WHAT I SAID. Evans came up with the initial idea to combine pornography and game coverage, and invited Dawn to the project straight away. “Misti is probably the most dedicated gamer girl I know, so she was the obvious choice as my partner,” said Evans. The launch date - September 20 - is also no accident: Evans chose the site’s launch date to coincide with the release of Gears of War 3. “I am a huge Gears of War fan,” Evans explained. Gamers will be able to watch and communicate with Evans and Dawn in real-time via Xbox Live and PlayStation Network Call me oldschool, but I like to keep my video games and p0rn separate, you know? It’s like, until we have lifelike virtual reality sex games, why blur the line? “Pfft, what’s the worst that could happen?” HA — obviously you’ve never come home to a roommate masturbating to Resident Evil before. *ahem* Derek! NSFW NSFW PwnedByGirls Official Site NSFW NSFW via Porn Stars Start Topless Gaming Site [escapistmagazine] Thanks to Grant, who agrees the Leisure Suit Larry franchise was the perfect blend of video games and sex.

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P0rn Stars Opening Adult Content Gaming Site

How about we just show each other our privates and call it a Skype? Seen here reaching previously unknown levels of sadness, a user demos Kajimoto Laboratory’s Kiss Transmission Device. The devices were designed to simulate the kiss of a lover (or webcam stripper!) across the internet by connecting two people with a box of rotating electronics in their mouth. Mmmmmmmm . NOW CHOKE ME WITH YOUR TONGUE. “If you take one device in your mouth and turn it with your tongue, the other device turns in the same way. If you turn it back the other way, then your partner’s turns back the same way, so your partner’s device turns whichever way your own device turns.” The position information values can also be recorded, and the kiss information for different individuals can be freely replayed. “For example, if you have a popular entertainer use this device and record it, that could be hugely popular if you offer it to fans.” “The elements of a kiss include the sense of taste, the manner of breathing, and the moistness of the tongue. If we can recreate all of those I think it will be a really powerful device.” Damn, that sounds romantic. Oooooor like chewing on a Matchbox car. Call me old fashioned, but I still like to kiss the way nature intended: like I’m trying to suck somebody’s lunch back up their throat. BABY BIRD ME — GO GO GO! Hit the jump for sadness closeups in case you’re into depressing (including one shot of guy staring at his lover’s ass!)

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Future Frenching: Electronic Kiss Simulator

Monopoly: we’ve all cheated at it. Whether it’s stealing a couple extra $100’s from the bank, insisting you’re allowed to put four hotels on a property, or accepting sexual favors for rent, we’ve all been there. Hopefully not on family game night. Enter the new, digital Monopoly. It’s virtually uncheatable. Also: unfun. The new $50 Monopoly Live is the same as the old game, except that it has a prominent 10-inch tower sitting in the middle of the board. This plastic tower rolls non-existent fake dice with fake dice sounds, manages rent calculations, announces player turns and even remembers how much money you have — all done electronically. According to the NYT, the tower “bathes the board in infrared light and a camera can see reflectors placed on each game piece” allowing dice rolls to be initiated by just covering your game piece. What the heck? Leif Askeland, one of Monopoly Live’s designers says that “the tower never makes a mistake” and that disputes are non-existent. Cool, an all-digital Monopoly. That sounds…way less fun than a video game. Hasbro reinvents Monopoly with an all-knowing plastic tower [dvice] Thanks to Mark, who once swallowed a handful of opponent’s houses and flipped the game board after a stint in the clink. I think jail made him crazy.

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DU-DU-DU-DUMB: Digital Monopoly Game

Apparently stupid parents are getting their stupid children pet owls so they can be more like Harry Potter . Dammit Harry, why couldn’t you have had a hamster ?! In the story, owls are messengers and the child wizard has his own snowy owl named Hedwig, who has a fan base all her own and is depicted as a clever, devoted and loving animal. A report by a wildlife group has indicated that there has been a sharp decline in India’s owl population, which may or may not be related to the popularity of the bespectacled adolescent wizard. “There seems to be a strange fascination even among the urban middle classes for presenting their children with owls. There is an increase in people looking to purchase owls from illegal traders. These birds are being trapped and traded….,” says Indian Environment Minister, Jairam Ramesh. Ugh, this is why I hate parents. “Hey kid, here’s that owl you were throwing a fit about. Sure it’ll be dead in a month due to negligence, but hopefully you’ll cease your whining in the meantime.” THAT IS NO WAY TO TEACH YOUR CHILD A LIFE LESSON, OR SHOW ANY RESPECT FOR AVIAN LIFE. No, if your kid asks for an owl, this is the responsible parental reaction: “AN OWL?! ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?! I’M NOT GETTING YOU AN OWL! YOU’LL GET A STICK WITH A FACE PAINTED ON IT AND LIKE IT!” Is Harry Potter Responsible for the Decline of Owls in India? [weirdasianews] Thanks to Melissa, who begged her parents for a Luck Dragon after watching The Never Ending Story but her parents refused BECAUSE THEY’RE GOOD PARENTS.

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You Stupid Wizard Wannabes!: Harry Potter Responsible For Declining Owl Populations?

A southern California police department recently issued a public safety notice warning citizens to be on the lookout for any child-loving bears in the area. NOBODY GETS BETWEEN ME AND FREE CANDY! At one convention of IT enthusiasts the San Luis Obispo County Sheriff’s Department issued a notice warning parents about a man dressed as a bear. The public safety notice said: “The San Luis Obispo County Sheriff’s Department is warning parents about a disturbing new phenomenon made popular by pedophiles and sexual deviants. “The Pedo Bear began as an online Japanese cartoon character, and is known for his “lecherous nature” towards prepubescent children. “Recently, pedophiles have adopted the bear as a mascot. “Although there have been no reported sightings of the image on the Central Coast, individuals dressed in the bear costume and car decals have been seen in Southern California. Wow . I knew California government was in poor shape, but did the San Luis Obispo County Sheriff’s Department really just get internet service? Cause if so they are waaaaay behind on cute animal videos.. Police issue warning about ‘Pedo bear’ [telegraph] and Picture Thanks to Tom D and Kris, who won’t approach a strange van for anything less than an ice cream sandwich.

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LOLWUT?: California Police Issue Public Safety Notice About Pedobear ‘Mascot’

Seen in the top picture going for a four person sign -holding record (and proving there might actually be something to the whole “strength in numbers ” thing after all), the Westboro Baptist Church’s Comic-Con protest was met with some stiff opposition to say the least. Maybe God’s not on your side after all. The superheroes definitely aren’t! They’ve faced down humans time and time again, but Fred Phelps and his minions from the Westboro Baptist Church were not ready for the cosplay action that awaited them today at Comic-Con. After all, who can win against a counter protest that includes robots, magical anime girls, Trekkies, Jedi and…kittens? Unbeknownst to the dastardly fanatics of the Westboro Baptist Church, the good folks of San Diego’s Comic-Con were prepared for their arrival with their own special brand of superhuman counter protesting chanting “WHAT DO WE WANT” “GAY SEX” “WHEN DO WE WANT IT” “NOW!” while brandishing ironic (and some sincere) signs. Simply stated: The eclectic assembly of nerdom’s finest stood and delivered. Oh man, I love a good counter-protest. Reminds me of the time I saw some asshat out front of a McDonald’s picketing to bring the McRib back. I threw an empty bottle at him. MY SILENCE SPOKE VOLUMES. Hit the jump for a couple more shots of counter-protesters and a video interview.

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Westboro Baptist Church’s Comic-Con Protest Counter-Protested By Superhero Opposition

This is a screenshot Geekologie Reader (and all around handsome devil) Beau sent me from his iPod Touch of what is arguably the best written and hardest hitting piece of journalism USA Today has ever produced. Amirite or amirite? jkl;kjl;;lkjjkl;jkl; Flickr Thanks Beau, and remember: when you don’t feel like writing, just mashing keys is the next best thing.

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That’s Quality Journalism: USA Today Fail

I don’t know what it is about this guy, but I really wanna throw a handful of change at him. Except not actual change, just a handful of washers. Then while Luke Panhandler there is scurrying around picking them up I’ll steal his lightsaber . Well, provided he hasn’t already pawned it to support his glitterstim habit. Kidding, kidding — that’s what Jedi blow-j’s are for. Flickr Thanks to Cowbell Fever, who, CRANK THAT BELL UP TO 11 AND BREAK OFF THE CLAPPER! Wait, no — better leave the clapper.

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I’d X-Wing A Quarter At Him: Homeless Jedi

Note: Video of Princess Pissypants is after the jump. Further proving the questionable reality of her initial video , Starcraft II Beta Breakup girl is back at it, this time smashing one of her ex-boyfriend’s windows with a brick and tossing a running hose in the hole. WTF, PSYCHO?! Admittedly, the ol’ running hose in a window is one of my favorite paybacks, but this girl didn’t even wait for guy to go on vacation. YOU DID IT WRONG, STUPID! Now — enough of the attention whoring, back to crying into a pillow and wishing you dated a vampire. Hit it for the video.

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FAKE: Starcraft Breakup Girl Is Back At It