North pole, we have a problem. This is a video of some clumsy-ass Santa impersonator attempting to rappel down to his throne at a Florida mall when his fake beard gets caught on his harness, tearing it and his Santa hat off and ruining Christmas for countless children. All this while the announcer lady tries distracting everyone by singing a horrible rendition of ‘We Wish You a Merry Christmas’. INTERNET GOLD. About halfway down, “Santa” tore off the beard and attached hat, revealing himself to be a simple helper and not the actual jolly old elf himself. He vigorously bounced up and down trying to work the beard through the tangle, making it safely to the mall floor after a few minutes. Gardens Mall reports that the helper is a professional rope climber who did the stunt for free. He did a run-through without a hitch, but sans beard, mall officials say. He left quickly afterward and wishes to remain anonymous. Ahahahhahahhaha, good luck staying anonymous — YOU’RE F***ING SANTA CLAUS! Man, next year I hope they try shooting him out of a cannon. Hit the jump for the MOMMY…WHY’D HIS BEARD COME OFF? in action.

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Santa Rappels In Mall, Loses Beard, Ruins Christmas

Seen here looking exactly how I’d imagine the homemade guillotine constructed by a homeless man in the woods would look like, the bum-built guillotine responsible for severing its maker’s arm pauses for a photo op. *holding up camera* Over here, over here — by the deer skull nailed to a tree! Police say the guillotine unexpectedly dropped on the man’s shoulder Thursday at makeshift camp where he was living. The man ran to a nearby medical clinic, leaving the his arm behind. Officers checked a wooded area near the clinic and discovered the man’s camp. At the location, officers found the guillotine and severed arm. Officers say the guillotine was constructed out of 2 by 6 by at least 12-feet tall timbers that the man found by scavenging the local area. Now I’m not saying a homeless man living in the woods with a homemade guillotine is obviously up to no good, but…yes, yes I am. It’s probably good he cut that arm off when he did. Man Loses Arm in Freak Homemade Guillotine Accident [fox40] Thanks to syccness, who wants to know how many squirrels ol’ One-arm put through that thing.

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Of Course He Did: Idiot Moron Accidentally Cuts Off Own Arm With Homemade Guillotine

Police in Vancouver, British Columbia impounded 13 exotic sports cars after their drivers decided to race them to dinner on the highway at speeds in excess of 120MPH. No word on what restaurant they were going to, but that shit must be f***in’ goooooooood. What the racers, who police said are all under age 21 , won’t get is harsh punishment. “Each driver will be charged with Driving without Reasonable Consideration and receive a violation ticket with a specified penalty of $196. Additionally, these drivers will be responsible for all associated towing and storage charges,” according to the RCMP press release. That’s because police didn’t actually catch them in the act and acted only on witness accounts. They weren’t caught on radar, video or seen by a police officer, Superintendent Norm Gaumont, RCMP officer in charge of traffic enforcement for the Lower Mainland, told the Surrey Now newspaper. The cars: 2007 Ferrari 599 2010 Lamborghini Gallardo 2010 Lamborghini Gallardo 2009 Lamborghini Gallardo 2009 Audi R8 2012 Nissan GT-R 2010 Nissan GT-R 2010 Nissan GT-R 2010 Maserati Turismo 2010 Maserati Turismo 2011 Mercedes SL63 2011 Mercedes SLS 2005 Aston Martin DB9 Whoa whoa whoa — THEY WERE ALL UNDER 21?! God I hate rich, spoiling parents. You know why? Because they raise dickweeds . Me? I’m a vaginaflower. Like something straight out of a Georgia O’Keefe painting. Still, I can’t help but feel bad for the kids driving the 2010 GT-R’s. I mean come on, those things are only worth like $70K now. HAHA — YOUR PARENTS ARE POOR AND DON’T LOVE YOU! Kidding, KIDDING (but only about the poor part). Police grab $2 million worth of cars after Canadian street race [cnn] Thanks to comfort eagle, always so relaxing to watch soaring high, high up in the sky.

The rest is here:
$2M In Sports Cars Impounded After 2 Fast ‘N Furious Canadians Street Race To Dinner

This is a picture of a luxury car pileup in Monaco. It makes me sad and happy at the same time because 1. it’s always sad to see something beautiful get damaged *eyes own battle-scarred face in mirror* but 2. I have a thing against insanely rich people. “Oh you jelly, GW?” Damn yeah I’m jelly! I’m Smucker’s as a mutherf***er. The wealthy French Riviera city state of Monaco was the scene of a pileup involving five luxury cars with an estimated value of more than $1.1 million. The collision, involving a Bentley Azure (worth an estimated $400,000), a Mercedes S Class ($120,000), a Ferrari F430 ($230,000), an Aston Martin Rapide ($230,000) and a Porsche 911 ($130,000), occurred in front of Monaco’s Place du Casino, according to Sky News. The British TV network reported that the incident began when the Bentley scraped the side of the Mercedes before plowing into the Ferrari. Then, the Bentley proceeded to run into the Aston Martin and the Porsche . Haha! So basically it was all the Bentley driver’s fault. *eying driver in picture* Oh look, it’s…”Don’t do it, GW!” Fine, FINE, but only because I backed through my garage door yesterday. Even the crashes are stylish: Million-dollar wreck in Monaco [msnbc] Thanks to Mr. Fancy, who may or may yes have been driving the Aston Martin.

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Oh You Know, It’s Just A Bentley, Mercedes, Ferrari, Aston Martin & Porsche Car Crash

Picture sadly unrelated: it was a regular-ass controller. A Florida man was arrested after attempting to rob a convenience store by pretending the Playstation controller in his pocket was a gun. *facepalm* You didn’t even have the wherewithal to use A NES Zapper?! He was arrested by a police officer who walked into the store in the middle of the robbery, police said. Pittman was suspected in an earlier robbery at a Subway restaurant. Police received a tip that Pittman might have been at the store, and so when the officer went inside, he caught Pittman in the middle of the act, police said. Police said Pittman dropped the remote and gave up. He is facing charges of strong-arm robbery and violation of probation. First of all, who the f*** robs a Subway? Secondly, who the f*** robs anything with a Playstation controller? There are at least two-hundred other things in my apartment I’d use as a surrogate firearm before grabbing my Playstation controller (Wiimote included). And not just because I’d be shit out of luck at Mass Effect 2 if something happens to it while I was out, but I’m gonna see some alien titties if its the last thing I do. Fine — third to last thing I do (pop boner, have heart attack). Police: Man tried to rob store with game remote [baynews9] Thanks to Bradley B, who once tried robbing a convenience store with telepathy but it worked so poorly he ended up paying for his chips & drink and leaving.

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Man Tries Robbing Convenience Store With Playstation Controller, Unsurprisingly Fails

Seen here getting his what will go down in history books as “ZERO SWERVE” on, a laptop thief records himself on webcam dancing to ‘Make it Rain’ (make it rain? you couldn’t even muster a drizzle — you’ll never be an Indian shaman!) IN HIS MOM’S KITCHEN. My f*** that’s gangsta. Unfortunately for Sir Spazalot here, the laptop’s rightfully owner was able to remotely access the unit, determine who the thief was, and post this video on Youtube. I was going to stage serious lulz but the police apparently cracked down right as I filed the report. EDIT: laptop recovered! EDIT 2: I bought another laptop during the time it got stolen, so I’m going to sell the old one and donate all the proceeds to Japan relief. Thanks for your support, everyone The perp, obviously disappointed some Youtube codec made his fresh moves appear stale onscreen, took the time to write the owner a Facebook message (screencap after jump) asking him to remove the video. Obviously, the owner has not. Hey — you know the Ja Rules: you do the crime, you do the time get humiliated by a half-million people on Youtube. Knock knock. “Who’s there?” A producer from ‘ So You Think You Can Dance? ‘ “REALLY?!” No asshole, it’s the amberlamps — we thought you were having a seizure. ” Damn. ” Cops are here too, something about a laptop. Hit the jump for the Facebook message and video of in action.

Continued here:
Laptop Stolen, Owner Remotely Accesses Computer, Thief Gets Humiliated (That’s Him!)

Note: Full-res shot HERE . Inkcident, get it?! God I slay me. Literally, I’ve been sharpening my ceremonial blade all afternoon knowing good and well I’d end up saying something stupid. Anyway, for those of you with overactive imaginations, this is what 8,000 gallons of industrial printer ink looks like spilled all over a highway. I’m not sure how industrial printer ink’s price compares to regular computer printer ink , but if they’re remotely comparable we need to hijack one of these f***ers. Booze truck first though. No other vehicles were involved and the driver was not injured in the crash, which occurred about 6:10 a.m. Approximately 16,000 pounds of ink cartridges from the Flint Group, an Indianapolis-based company selling printing and packaging products, was bound for a newspaper company in Portland, Maine. Red, blue, and yellow ink cartridges were inside the truck, but Ferson said there is no evidence the yellow ink was released. LOL @ no yellow ink spilled aside — 16,000 pounds of color, can you even imagine ? I can’t. Of course I also can’t imagine a company still thinks printing newspapers is gonna remain profitable, so this story completely blue my mind. HIYO — ink color joke! *hari-kari* Hit the jump for one more shot taken by a news lollercopter.

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Truck Carrying 8,000 Gallons Of Printer Ink Flips, Makes For One Colorful Inkcident

This is a video of some annoying-ass girl who decides to wedge a little video camera between her buttcheeks and wander around LA (I can recognize The Grove!) to study if men stare at her ass. Which, UNSURPRISING SPOILER : they do. Womens too. Unfortunately, this chick obviously never passed Experimenting 101 in college because the camera was plainly visible , effectively negating any conclusions you could draw from the study. Is everyone staring at your ass because you have a nice ass or — OR — are they staring BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE SHITTING A F***ING WEBCAM?! The prosecution rests — ON HIS WAY DREAMIER TUSH! Hit the jump for the video and not be surprised. Use a camera on a studded belt or something next time — geez, this isn’t rocket surgery.

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Amateur Experimentation: Girl Attaches Video Cam To Ass To Study If Men Stare At Asses

I’m not gonna lie bro, you wouldn’t stand a chance at ‘The Most Dangerous Game’ . Some dipshit moron shot a fox and, having not killed it because he sucks at aiming , decided to try beating it to death with the butt of his rifle . Only thing was, the sly fox wasn’t having it. The unnamed hunter, who had approached the fox after wounding it from a distance, was in hospital with a leg wound, while the fox made its escape, media said, citing prosecutors from the Grodno region. “The animal fiercely resisted and in the struggle accidentally pulled the trigger with its paw,” one prosecutor was quoted as saying. Whoa whoa whoa — prosecutors?! Please tell me they’re not trying to put the poor fox in prison. THAT SHIT WAS CLEARLY SELF-DEFENSE!! Outfoxed! Prey shoots hunter [msnbc] and Picture Thanks to Max and Bella Meow, who don’t hunt for anything but treasure. OMG — PIRATES!! ( Pleaaaaase let me join your crew)

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Worst Hunter EVER: Man Injures Fox, Fox Shoots Man (Without Human-Hunting Permit!)

This is knock-off phone whose logo was made to resemble OPPO’s. Which it does, loosely. But it also spells poop . So that, combined with the phone’s model name, makes it the Poop Love. *brainstorming advertising campaign* The Poop Love: dropping dueces, not calls. Nailed it! Presenting The Poop Phone [crunchgear] via The worst name for a knockoff cellphone, ever [engadget] Thanks to Zeke, who once broke up with a girl after finding out she carried around a Snot Love. A booger eater? Gross!

Link:
I Still Want One: Worst Knock-Off Phone Ever