The day stiletto heel implants become reality is the day I’m slingshoting myself into the sun . And, knowing my luck, missing and winding up orbiting the solar system for all eternity. Remind me to pack cyanide capsules. Also: some really bright LEDs (I want children to be able to find me with a telescope). Hit the jump for one more shot of the you’ll never run again.

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For The Ladies: Conceptual Stiletto Implants

Excuse me if I’m writing this while I puke in my shoes but I mean, c’mon, a guy can only take so much . Chick looks like she’s wearing my shower drain around her neck. The human hair necklace…is made by artist Kerry Howley who wants to “make discarded hair attractive again.” NEWS FLASH, KERRY HOWLEY: I don’t know what 17th century castle dungeon you just crawled out of but discarded hair was never attractive in the first place. “Fingernail clippings?” Go — just go. Hit the jump for three others in case this one wasn’t disgusting enough for you.

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Waaaaaay Too Pubey For Me: Hair Necklaces

Picture 1: Should’ve covered your eyes instead, little girl Picture 2: Probably the worst ’sign of the horns’ EVER This is a video of Chewbacca dressed as Axl Rose and an Ewok as Slash performing Guns n Roses’ ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ as part of Disney’s 2011 Star Wars Weekends ‘Hyperspace Hoopla’. WHAT. THE. F***? It 250% can and will shit all over any respect you might have had left for the franchise . Not depressed enough? Oh good, because there’s also a 26-minute video of the entire performance embedded after the jump in case you weren’t sure if you should start drinking from the flask you keep in a desk drawer. But, WARNING: you’re gonna wish it was poison Kool-Aid instead of the urine I replaced your bourbon with after chugging it all. Also, stop buying the cheap stuff — I have a refined palate. No, no I don’t, but I can taste the difference between Coke and Pepsi while blindfolded. Just no trying to stick a wiener in my mouth when I’m in the dark or I’ll tear it off like Macho Man Randy Savage snapping into a Slim Jim. I haven’t stopped thinkin’ about you, bro! Just sayin’, dug my Wrestling Buddy out of storage and been sleeping with him. Hit the jump to have your Star Wars loving world torn apart.

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Chewbacca As Axl Rose Singing ‘Welcome To The Jungle’/Destroying My Entire Childhood

British men, upset that woman get to have all the ’sticker crystals on your privates’ fun, have finally gotten their wish with Pejazzles: peel-off Swarovski crystal stickers for your wiener. LOOK LOOK — mine says ‘RAWR’! ‘Women don’t necessarily want a rough and ready man. Some prefer a man who’s groomed and takes care of himself. It’s each to their own,’ But can a man really be taken seriously while decorated with Swarovski crystals - especially ‘down there’ ‘Men wear diamond watches and bling earrings - this is no different ,’ I’m gonna go ahead and go out on a sturdy limb wiener here and argue that, no, penis crystals ARE actually different. Not sure how many times you failed the analogies portion of standardized tests, but my guess is every single one. I can see it now: Question 37. Diamond watches : bling earrings : : diamond cufflinks : WIENER JEWELLLLS!!!!11 After vajazzling comes pejazzling [dailymail] Thanks to ross and Manda, who agree the last thing any guy needs is a bunch of plastic penis stickers coming off inside their girlfriend.

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Your Wiener, Now With More Stick-On Crystals

Hacking a toy’s remote-contro l mechanism to open your blinds when you wake up in the morning: cool. Hacking a toy’s remote-control mechanism directly into a cockroach’s nervous system to make it turn whatever direction you want it to: WAIT — WHAT THE F***?! By modifying the HEXBug toy “Inchworm” circuitry to deliver pulses, we stimulated the antenna nerves of the discoid cockroach to “trick” the cockroach into turning upon command. Stay tuned! as we make the preparation easier, more reliable, and lighter! Granted we’ve already seen the same performed on flying beetles , but I felt like there was a lot more that went into that. I didn’t know you could just take a toy apart, poke some wires into a cockroach and be good to go. What if the mad scientists find out about this?! SPOILER : MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Get it? Because that’s how they laugh. Hit the jump for the ‘oh God please squash it, please squash it!’ in action.

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NO: Bionic Cockroach Controlled By Remote

In sad news, a 17-year old died on Christmas after crashing his car into a telephone pole (rest in peace, buddy). Then, at his funeral a few days later, a 37-year old family “friend” decided to steal the Gameboys others had left for the boy in his casket. Who are you to decide if Gameboys go to heaven or not?! The boy’s uncle, Robert McCombs Jr., approached Bennett after Bennett got in his vehicle and was about to drive away. He asked Bennett about a missing Game Boy. “The defendant told the uncle that he did not have the Game Boy,” according to the affidavit of probable cause. “The uncle then told the defendant that he could see the Game Boy inside the vehicle. The defendant then produced the Game Boy and returned it to the uncle.” As that video system was being returned to the casket, family members noticed that a Game Boy Light and three games were missing. Bennet, according to his aunt, is “into alcohol” and is “just messed up.” Oh yeah? Well Bennet, according to the Geekologie Writer, is “gonna burn in hell” and “spend eternity getting flaming game cartridges stuffed up his ass with a pitchfork”. Just sayin’, the devil’s gettin’ pretty excited about it. Man Allegedly Steals Game Boys from Teenager’s Casket [gawker] and Picture Thanks to ape roc and Agent, who don’t steal from the dead for fear of getting molested by ghosts in the their sleep. Smart thinking, guys.

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Have Fun Burning In Hell, You Jackass: Man Steals Gameboys From Open Casket Funeral

Apparently stupid parents are getting their stupid children pet owls so they can be more like Harry Potter . Dammit Harry, why couldn’t you have had a hamster ?! In the story, owls are messengers and the child wizard has his own snowy owl named Hedwig, who has a fan base all her own and is depicted as a clever, devoted and loving animal. A report by a wildlife group has indicated that there has been a sharp decline in India’s owl population, which may or may not be related to the popularity of the bespectacled adolescent wizard. “There seems to be a strange fascination even among the urban middle classes for presenting their children with owls. There is an increase in people looking to purchase owls from illegal traders. These birds are being trapped and traded….,” says Indian Environment Minister, Jairam Ramesh. Ugh, this is why I hate parents. “Hey kid, here’s that owl you were throwing a fit about. Sure it’ll be dead in a month due to negligence, but hopefully you’ll cease your whining in the meantime.” THAT IS NO WAY TO TEACH YOUR CHILD A LIFE LESSON, OR SHOW ANY RESPECT FOR AVIAN LIFE. No, if your kid asks for an owl, this is the responsible parental reaction: “AN OWL?! ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?! I’M NOT GETTING YOU AN OWL! YOU’LL GET A STICK WITH A FACE PAINTED ON IT AND LIKE IT!” Is Harry Potter Responsible for the Decline of Owls in India? [weirdasianews] Thanks to Melissa, who begged her parents for a Luck Dragon after watching The Never Ending Story but her parents refused BECAUSE THEY’RE GOOD PARENTS.

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You Stupid Wizard Wannabes!: Harry Potter Responsible For Declining Owl Populations?

Note: Jump probably NSFW due to fake alien-vaj. To coincide with the release of Hustler’s Avatar pr0n parody , Fleshlight is making an “alien” version of their famous male sex-toy . “Honey — I think the blue flashlight in the tool chest next to your Neytiri poster is out of batteries”. Go where no manhood has gone before past the strangely alluring double clitoris of the Alien vagina. This mesmerizing pearlescent blue Alien begs to beam you up for a close encounter of the preferred kind. The exclusive Alien texture combines the feel of three of our most popular textures to create one out-of-this-world experience. Tantalizing sinews swirl together mimicking our famous Vortex canal before breaking through to a Lotus node that finally gives way to our most intense texture, the STU. I’m not gonna lie, I felt dirty just reading that. You can buy the sadness alone for $75, or get it and the movie and — AND — two pairs of crappy 3-D glasses for $90. Which leads me to my next question: why two pairs? Hit the jump for two more NSFW shots and a link to the product page.

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It Was Only A Matter Of Time: Na’vi Fleshlight

Because you can’t be a robot sympathizer without being a giant f***ing racist as well (how do you feel about robots again?), some Italian scientists decided to dress a robot in faux Native American headdress and teach it archery. YOU’RE TERRIBLE PEOPLE! Just kidding (I have to say that because Dr. Kormushev sent the tip). Dr. Petar Kormushev and his colleagues at the Italian Institute of Technology’s (IIT) Advanced Robotics Dept. love to teach human skills to robots…Dr. Kormushev and company have now taught a robot to be a skilled archer in just eight tries. Above is a picture of said archer. The good news is he has the body of a 3 and a half year old baby. The bad news is that he’s iCub, an open source robot, so there’s more of him out there. Kinda like little versions of the ones in I, Robot . Are they planning to make a mediocre movie? They must be stopped. But first we have to get our hands on ARCHER (Augmented Reward Chained Regression), the learning algorithm that enabled the iCub to learn to hit bulls eyes in the first place. After every trial, the iCub sees where his arrow hit and consequently adjusts his aim for the next try. Wow, I’ve always known Italians are awful, shameless people who wear too much gold, but this is ridiculous. Huh? Oh I’m allowed to say that because I’m half Italian. The other half? French . KIDDING! God I felt dirty just saying it. Still love your fries! Hit the jump for the last thing I’d ever want shooting an apple off my head in action.

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NOT COOL BROS: Bow And Arrow Robot

Always wanted a tiger or panda bear but were worried they’d maul the faces off everyone in the neighborhood? That’s because they would. Thankfully, now you can have your dog dyed to look like one. Because why stop at just chopping off their balls? Hit the jump for several more of the poor bastards.

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Eye Of The Tiger Dog: Chinese Pet Dyeing