They’re not universal? Somebody sent their mom to the store for a PS3 controller and she came back with an X-Box one . So what did they do? Sent her back to exchange it without even giving her a decent lie to cover the mistake. Now it’s here on the internet for everyone to make fun of. God, she was doing you a favor, you know? You DID come out of her vagina. You could have just told her to say ‘wrong color’. You oughta be ashamed of yourself. The Infinite Agony Of Tech Retail Condensed Into One Image [nerdapproved] Thanks to Wilmersama, who doesn’t give reasons for returning things, just a stink-eye.

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Sadness: X-Box Controller Won’t Connect To PS3

McDonald’s restaurants (if you can even call them that) in Australia, having suffered from a recent spat of robberies (who the f*** robs a McDonald’s ? Taco Bell or GTFO), have teamed up with security firm SelectaDNA to install sprayers above its doors that will douse robbers with an invisible mist of DNA . Why? To make them glow under blacklight for police identification. Wait, WHAT? The newly introduced DNA will then seep harmlessly into his or her skin for two weeks (and clothes for six months) allowing the police to reveal the culprit using UV light. The spray is both invisible and odorless, but even if the hapless highwayman notices the deoxyribonucleic acid rain cloud, SelectaDNA assures that its chemical concoction is “virtually impossible to remove.” Making matters worse for the offender is that each DNA sequence is unique to the location to which it was installed, meaning a successful forensic identification is 100% admissible in court. Basically, if you get caught in this stuff, you’re screwed. No word if the DNA will cause you to mutate into a supervillain, but brobro in the picture there does look kinda like a Star Wars character, so that’s something. Not something I’d be willing to rob a McDonald’s to achieve, but I’m also smart enough to only rob Burger Kings. *putting on cardboard crown* NOW LEAD ME TO THE ROYAL TREASURE ROOM. Australian McDonald’s Now Spraying Thieves With DNA [escapistmagazine] Thanks to Sore_Dong, who may or may yes have permanently injured his unit. Smooth move buddy — your DNA spraying days are OVER.

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Rob An Australian McDonald’s, Get Hosed With DNA

This is a video of Hyrulecraft, the entire world from the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time recreated 1:1 in Minecraft . You can download the entire thing now, but its creators are currently working on setting up a server with quests, etc. to make it that much funner. I’m gonna hang out with the Gorons and make bombs! Hyrulecraft is a 1:1 scale replica of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, in Minecraft! With the alpha map already available as a download, the project has now entered stage 2. The HC team hopes to have a completed server ready later this year which will include a unique Minecraft MMO experience including quests, NPCs, dungeons, free build zones, guilds, and more of the classic Minecraft stuff you know and love. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? “You want to live there?” Yes! Now somebody TRON my ass in there pronto. “We don’t have that technology.” Fine — Monkey Island it is, now blast me with that laser thingy. Hit the jump for a video tour and a link to the project page with downloads.

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Hyrulecraft: Ocarina Of Time Recreated In Minecraft

Because men are constantly on the lookout for something that, if found by another human being, will forever brand them the saddest kind of pervert, somebody designed an iPad case with an integrated Fleshlight holder. For you innocent readers out there, a Fleshlight is a fake vagina. For you not so innocent readers , it’s the thing you bought in multiple colors and textures. So yeah, you watch p0rn and pretend you’re with the girl in the video or picture or whatever. Now my imagination is pretty good, but there is NO WAY my brain would ever let me pretend I was doing anything but having shameful, depressing sex with a $600 tablet and fake vagina. “I keep it real.” My brain, ladies and gentlemen. Also, remind me to never borrow my friend Dave’s iPad again. He told me it was a cupholder! NSFW Fleshlipad: The FleshLight Holder iPad Case Concept of Digital Bliss [obviouswinner] NSFW and NSFW Designer’s Site NSFW Thanks to Yoog and Jordan, who agree this is not what Steve Jobs had in mind. Like, AT ALL.

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A New Low: iPad With Integrated Fleshlight Holder

If you didn’t already catch it this weekend, this is the 2-hour director’s cut of Star Wars: Uncut , the 15-seconds-at-a-time fan sourced (each fan was responsible for making a different 15-second scene) Star Wars: A New Hope remake . Now I didn’t have time to watch the whole thing this morning , but from what I gathered a lot more scenes were shot in people’s garages than I remember from the original. Granted I can’t say I’m surprised. Get it? I’ve never seen the original! Hit the jump for two hours of Star Wars on zero budget. Bonus points if you manage to watch the whole thing at work. Suck it, the man!

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Homemade: Fan-Sourced Star Wars Reboot Finished

Want to watch an old-ass video of two speds with zero logic and even less knowledge of their source material trying to explain why the Ninja Turtles and other cartoons lead to the occult ? Well you’re in luck! Mr. Beard and Mr. Mullet are here to help explain how the Ninja Turtles are led by a rat named Splinter who uses white magic (”like in Star Wars”) to battle black magic . Actually sounds like a positive message, right? WRONG. Because the use of ANY sort of magic is offensive to their Christian beliefs. What the — the Ninja Turtles never used f***ing magic! They go on to denounce The Simpsons for a potentially gay character. What would Jesus do? NOT THIS. Also, for two guys who hate the Ninja Turtles so bad you sure bought the shit out of some merchandise. Damn, growing up I would have killed for a birthday party like that. “See?! That’s the occult talking!” God, I was kidding bro. But I did try cutting my little brother and performing a ritual. Hit the jump for four minutes of two dudes with secret anime fetishes.

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Crime-Fighting Vigilantes, OR GATEWAY TO SATANISM?

A face not even a great-grandmother could love. Seen here looking like something out of a survival horror video game , a group of recently discovered and near extinct snub-nosed monkeys are captured on film for the first time (previously: a Photoshop rendition ). Clearly they’re not endangered because of the pet trade. Heavy snows in January and constant rain in April made expeditions to set the camera traps difficult. “We were dealing with very tough conditions in a remote and rugged area that contained perhaps fewer than 200 monkeys,” said Jeremy Holden, who led the camera trapping team. “We didn’t know exactly where they lived, and I didn’t hold out much hope of short term success with this work.” But in May a small group of snub-nosed monkeys walked past one of the cameras and into history. “We were very surprised to get these pictures,” said Saw Soe Aung, a field biologist who set the cameras. “It was exciting to see that some of the females were carrying babies - a new generation of our rarest primate.” The monkeys, who are limited to a small range in Myanmar near China, are endangered due to habitat loss and hunting. Hunting — or shooting because you thought it was a demon coming to steal your soul? Because one time I spent a whole night posted up in my bedroom window shooting zombies with a BB gun and calling 911 until the cops showed up and told me it was Halloween. My bad! Hit the jump for the faceless Michael Jackson tribute monkey.

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First Photos Of The Near-Extinct Snub-Nosed Monkey

Seen here catching some rays, Stephen Hawking stated in a recent interview he thinks about women more than anything else and considers them “a complete mystery”. Except the girls in the picture. A couple cocktails in those two and they are OPEN PHYSICS BOOKS. The biggest mystery in the universe perplexing one of the world’s best known scientists is — women. When New Scientist magazine asked “Brief History of Time” author Stephen Hawking what he thinks about most, the Cambridge University professor renowned for unravelling some of the most complex questions in modern physics answered: “Women. They are a complete mystery.” Damn Stephen, maybe I should apply for that graduate assistantship after all. Sounds like we could teach each other a lot. You teach me about outer space, and I’ll teach you about the ladies. “GW, what the hell do you even know about ladies?” I know they don’t go to the bathroom! “That’s not true, everybody poops.” You shut up — their bathrooms don’t even have toilets! Right? RIGHT?! “Ladyturds bro.” I think I need to lie down. Women are a mystery to British physicist Hawking [yahoonews] Thanks to daniel, who’s selling a 4 DVD guide to understanding women for only 3 easy payments of $39.95. OMG, please tell me rush delivery is available!

Link:
Stephen Hawking: "I Think About Women The Most"

Because using your real-life hand is just far too simple and inexpensive, Taylor Veltrop managed to hack together an XBox Kinect , Wii, head-mounted video goggles, a little treadmill and a $16,000 robot to remotely groom a cat . Wow, the cat looks thrilled about it too. In Veltrop’s setup, the HMD provides him with the robot’s viewpoint and also controls the Nao’s head and neck–whichever way the operator turns his head, the robot moves in kind. Wiimotes are used to control each hand, while the rest of the robot’s bodily movements are generated by cues picked up by the Kinect. So when Veltrop walks forward on a treadmill, the robot begins walking forward. If he turns sideways the robot rotates itself in place. Cat grooming aside, the implications of this tele-presence avatar technology actually sound pretty promising. Namely in the realm of adult entertainment . That’s right, folks — virtual avatar sex. *puts on virtual reality goggles, slams peener in desk drawer* “…Why’d you do that?” I don’t know but I’m regretting it. Hit the jump for the robotic avatar tele-presence cat grooming or whatever the f*** it is in action.

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Man Hacks Together Kinect, Wii, Video Goggles, Treadmill And Little Robot To Virtually Groom Cat

This is the confusing video of a guy proposing to his girlfriend by holding up a series of highly questionable posters in the window of a restaurant containing memes . Things like the ‘oh crap/OMG rage face’ guy with “marriage scares the f*** outta me!!!” and the ‘f*** that’ guy (Yao Ming) saying “BITCH PLEASE, MARRIAGE IS NOT 4 ME.” What I’m getting at is this 1. romance is dead (brobro killed it) 2. the music they used for the video was the wrong choice and completely took me out of the proposal 3. what the — did you two meet on 4chan? and 5. it is literally BLOWING MY MINE (mine is the new mind FYI) she said yes. Jesus, her biological clock must be ticking like MacGyver cut the wrong wire on a bomb. Hit the jump for the maybe she just said yes for the video.

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Guy Proposes With A Series Of Iffy Meme Posters