Some moron decided it would be a good idea to attempt stealing holy gas from a church van. Only problem is, Jesus wasn’t having it . BURN HEATHEN, BUUUUURN! Blake King, 24, was reported in stable condition Wednesday in Vanderbilt University Hospital’s Burn Center. Evansville police report King was burned as he was using a cordless drill to drill into the gas tank of a 2001 Chevrolet van on the lot of Abundant Faith Church, 1228 Lodge Ave. Something sparked, according to the police report, catching the van on fire and burning King . The fire leaves the church without one of its two vans, which was supposed to help transport youth members to St. Louis this weekend. Officers arrived and found King, who told them he was burned when he stopped at 1228 Lodge Ave. to help another man who was on fire. Firefighters and fire investigators found a cordless drill next to the van. LOLWUT — cordless drilling a gas tank?!?! Let’s say you somehow managed to not set your dumbass on fire, what were you gonna do when the gas started flowing? Catch it in your mouth and spit it into a bucket? Okay that’s actually pretty good. Police: Man caught self on fire trying to steal gas from church van [courierpress] Thanks to Dakota, who tried electric drilling a dairy truck once and ended up with nothing but a milk mustache. I’m not gonna lie, you look handsome.

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Man Attempts Gas Theft From Church Van, Sets Himself, Van Ablaze

The Snazzy Napper is a real-ass product that, despite the name, isn’t really very snazzy (Bedazzle that shit, God!). What it is is a piece of cheap fabric you velcro around your head so you can rest in peace (I’ll kill you!) while you travel. Did I mention it has a hole for your nose so you don’t suffocate in how stupid you look? Because it does. Interested but don’t want to spend your hard earned $15? No problem! Here’s what you do: close your f***ing eyes. Hit the jump for a commercial and get ready to count some Z’s!

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Nap AND Look Cool With The Snazzy Napper

Apparently this Hot Wheels Invisible Jet toy began life as an April Fools’ joke but I don’t remember hearing about it because I don’t even know if I remembered to take my vitamins this morning. At any rate, it became a Comic-Con exclusive and suckers lined up to pay $5 for the empty box (it just looks like there’s a plane inside because of the molded plastic packaging), and now the things are selling like hotcakes on eBay. I swear, people will collect anything . Which reminds me. Hello, Japan? I’m in the market for some — how should I put this — orn-way anties-pay . Huh? Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. WORN PANTIES DAMMIT! YOU’VE GOT EM AND I WANT EM! eBay Listings via Hot Wheels Wonder Woman Invisible Jet Now on eBay [uberreview]

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Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet Toy: All The Rage At Comic-Con, Now On eBay

Seen in the top picture going for a four person sign -holding record (and proving there might actually be something to the whole “strength in numbers ” thing after all), the Westboro Baptist Church’s Comic-Con protest was met with some stiff opposition to say the least. Maybe God’s not on your side after all. The superheroes definitely aren’t! They’ve faced down humans time and time again, but Fred Phelps and his minions from the Westboro Baptist Church were not ready for the cosplay action that awaited them today at Comic-Con. After all, who can win against a counter protest that includes robots, magical anime girls, Trekkies, Jedi and…kittens? Unbeknownst to the dastardly fanatics of the Westboro Baptist Church, the good folks of San Diego’s Comic-Con were prepared for their arrival with their own special brand of superhuman counter protesting chanting “WHAT DO WE WANT” “GAY SEX” “WHEN DO WE WANT IT” “NOW!” while brandishing ironic (and some sincere) signs. Simply stated: The eclectic assembly of nerdom’s finest stood and delivered. Oh man, I love a good counter-protest. Reminds me of the time I saw some asshat out front of a McDonald’s picketing to bring the McRib back. I threw an empty bottle at him. MY SILENCE SPOKE VOLUMES. Hit the jump for a couple more shots of counter-protesters and a video interview.

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Westboro Baptist Church’s Comic-Con Protest Counter-Protested By Superhero Opposition

What cost $6 billion to build and has a 55-story high infinity pool? Give up? Me too. I guess I suck at guessing! Except peoples’ weights at the fair, I made a killing doing that during the summers in high school . “How old and tall are you? Kidding, it doesn’t matter — you’re obese. Congrats, pick a small prize. NEEEXT!” 55 storeys up, this infinity pool could glide you straight over the edge of Singapore, if not the world. It’s part of the $6 billion Marina Bay Sands Skypark hotel, which just opened this week. The pool itself is three times the length of an Olympic-sized pool, and is the largest pool in the world at that height reportedly. Ah yes, the Marina Bay Sands Skypark Hotel. Sounds fancy. Granted not as fancy as the hotels I usually stay at, but one time I did stay at a Motel 6 with a pool in the middle. There was a turd in the deep end and a guy masturbating in the hot tub. I know, I couldn’t believe there was a hot tub either. Such luxury! Hit the jump for several more shots of the ridiculous hotel.

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The World, It’s Flat!: 55-Story High Infinity Pool

Note: Video is after the jump because I don’t want you kids getting any ideas (yes, yes I do too — you should try it with the tailgate down ). This is a video of somebody’s grandpa passed out in a La-Z-Boy in the back of a speeding truck. Actually, he might be dead. But if not, he will be soon! And you know what that means: more Jello for us. Hit the jump for the video.

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What, No Safety Belt?: Grandpa Passed Out In La-Z-Boy In Back Of A Speeding Truck

Note: This picture is small and I had to crop it click HERE to see the sadness in depressing high-resolution. This is a shot of a wave crashing in Orange Beach, Alabama . As you can see, it looks like absolute crap, which really got me thinking: there’s probably a lot of whale shit in the ocean , and I should stop drinking beach water. But it’s so salty! Eyewitness: BP oil spill [guardian] Thanks to Uncle Fester, who may or may not have touched Pugsley inappropriately (geez, just look at the guy).

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So Much For Bodysurfing: Alabama Oil Waves

Remember Avatar tattoo guy ? I know, how could you forget such a glorious piece of flesh ? Well dude is pleased to announce tattoo #4 has been completed and looks just as amazing as the others. Which isn’t very. Or at all actually. That shit looks f***ing terrible. Hit the jump for two more shots of the you have a problem, bro.

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The Saga Continues: Avatar Tattoo Guy

Note: Video (actually just audio) is after the jump because we respect our elders here on the front page. This is an audio recording of somebody’s grandma calling tech support asking how to remove the playable Pac-Man demo that Google put on its homepage for a day celebrating the game’s 25th anniversary (which you can still play HERE ). I love old people, but the call’s actually pretty funny. And by funny I mean sad. Really f***ing sad. Hit it for six minutes of feeling bad for an old lady (plus tech rep).

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Grandma?: Woman Calls Tech Support Over Google’s Pac-Man Game On The Homepage

Remember artist Andrew Zubko’s rendition of ‘ Batman Stabbing A Shark With A Lightsaber ‘? I know, it belongs in a museum! Well Andrew was asked to create a cover for The Portland Mercury using reader submitted elements , and this is the result: ‘An Arguably Pregnant Betty White In Slave Leia Costume And Cape With A Flaming Chainsaw Riding a John Ritter Centaur Through The Apocalypse ‘. I don’t know about you, but this thing’s got me so worked up I’m considering a cold shower. Don’t get me wrong, I’d prefer a warm one, but I broke the hot knob off playing with it like a nipple . F***ing Hulk-tweaked it right off in my hand. What You Hath Wrought: This Week’s Mercury Cover, Featuring Betty White, John Ritter, and a Flaming Chainsaw. [portlandmercury] and Epic Nerd Art: Betty White, Weilding Flaming Chainsaw, Riding Centaur John Ritter…In A Cape [nerdbastards] Thanks to Misty and Zach, who both agree the picture could use a little more dino-erotica.

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This: From The Same Man Who Brought Us Batman Stabbing A Shark With A Lightsaber