Seen here believing he can fly, famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking is seeking a new graduate assistant and, obviously, I’m the man-child for the job. “ZIP ZAP, NOT THE STAIRS GW!” Oh relaaaaaaax Steve, I’ll just tilt your chair back and we’ll bounce right down. The original purpose of this position was ‘to aid Professor Hawking in those areas which he has difficulty due to his disability’. The job has since expanded and now includes: Managing Professor Hawking’s national and international travel. Preparation of lecture graphics and public speaking Dealing with the media and press Development of Professor Hawking’s computer systems Maintenance of computer and medical equipment Answering inquiries from the public and maintaining the website Departmental and administrative roles Not gonna lie, that sounds like a lot more responsibility and a lot less fun that I had anticipated. How much to just carry him around on my back like Yoda? Official Job Posting Thanks to Alex T, who claims he’s already got the job in the bag. Let me see that. HA! These are groceries, Alex.

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Stephen Hawking Seeks New Graduate Assistant

This is a video of a pair of magic computer-viewing glasses made by removing the polarized film from an LCD computer monitor and applying it to a regular pair of spectacles . That way only you can see your monitor. Ooooooor get fired for staring at a blank screen eight hours a day. You don’t understand, boss, the screen isn’t actually blank — I was watching girls booty-dancing on Youtube. “That’s even worse.” What if I told you I was actually writing a blog on the clock? “As long as it’s not Geekologie.” *nervous laughter* Haha, that little-dick? No way man — I write celebrity gossip. Hit the jump for a short video of the glasses in action and a link to the Instructable to make your own.

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Bewbs!: Polarized Glasses For Private Computering

This is a video of a group of ex-laboratory chimpanzees seeing daylight for the first time in their lives (for some, others since the capture from their mothers soon after birth) and most are over 20. Obviously, they’re f***ing ecstatic to no longer be working (Labor Day tie-in!). Did I mention I cried manly tears? I hope I didn’t. And if I did it’s only because I’m chopping onions for chili-cheese dogs. Hit the jump for 2-minutes of blurred vision.

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Labor No More: Ex Lab-Chimps See Daylight For First Time In Lives (And Some Are 30)

According to some numbers made up by some guy, Facebook use costs US employers around $280-billion anally. Hey, I was just as shocked as you were — there are asses involved. Also, only 7-minutes? LOLOLOL! You can visit guy’s website for a more thorough explanation of the breakdown but it’s really anybody’s guess (I guess a fifty zillion!) as to just how badly Facebook affects work productivity . Geekologie? Geekologie costs employers almost $200 a year. “That….sounds high.” Ouch. :’(’ ‘ 0 Facebook Costs US Employers $28,000,000,000 per year [thefitzpatrick] via Facebook Costs US Employers $280,000,000,000 Per Year [buzzfeed] Thanks to Josh, who’s convinced cat videos are the REAL problem here. Geekologie’s Facebook page because damn the man, that’s why

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Facebook Costs US Employers $280B Yearly

Seen here soliciting a wave from a young passenger, a member of a Paris airport’s holographic staff welcomes flyers aboard their flight . GOOD — I hate those real workers. *stuffing little brother in suitcase* In Paris, one major airport is piloting a test program that replaces gate workers with holographic projections that look just like the real thing — and they don’t ever seem frustrated about that extra carry-on you tried to sneak on board. When it’s nearly time to bust out your boarding pass, a living, breathing boarding agent can push a button to fire up the holograms, which then do part of the work, welcoming passengers and providing information about the status of the flight. The projections, which are beamed onto a human-shaped piece of plexiglass, look and sound like the real thing. No word if the holographic workers are permitted to grant free first-class upgrades, but you better believe I’m gonna drunkenly yell at one until it does. Hit the jump for a video demo.

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Dammit Jem, I Said I Wanted An Aisle Seat!: Holographic Airline Staff

Foxconn, the electronics manufacturer best known for making Apple’s iPhones and iPads (but who also manufactures electronics for Acer, Amazon, Asus, Intel, Cisco, HP, Dell, Nintendo, Nokia, Microsoft and Sony), plans to “hire” over a million robots in the next three years to replace the humans currently handling the “menial tasks”. MENIAL TASKS?! I’ll show you a menial task! *picking marshmallows out of Lucky Charms one by one* First reported in Chinese newswire Xinhua, Foxconn chairman, founder, and CEO Terry Gou apparently announced at a “workers’ dance party” on Friday that the robots will replace some of the routine tasks currently performed by humans, like spraying, welding, and assembling. Gou also said Foxconn already has 10,000 robots and that the number will increase to 300,000 next year and one million in three years. But according to the Financial Times, Gou’s message didn’t come out right. Although the implication was that robots would soon replace workers at the company, apparently Gou meant to communicate that the robots would relieve workers of menial tasks–in the past, Foxconn employees had complained of being treated like robots. A MILLION robots. Can you even imagine that? I can’t. Or, more specifically, I don’t want to. *begins sketching out sabotage plan on the back of a napkin* Also, WTF is a “workers’ dance party”? Because that sounds like a pretty shitty morale booster sweet political party. Dammit, I want a president who can breakdance! Report: Foxconn to Replace Humans With 1 Million Robots? [pcmag] and Picture Thanks to Bear and david, who [reference something really clever from Vonnegut's 'Player Piano' so everyone thinks you're smart].

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Foxconn (Electronics Manufacturer) To Hire A Million Robots Over The Next Three Years

Note: This is neither full-size nor the whole chart, use the Force your mouse to click HERE and see the whole thing. Ever wonder where you’d fit in in the Star Wars employment universe ? SPOILER: Bantha fodder. Sorry, but we were all thinking it. Me? I’d probably be on the Jedi Council . Well at least until I got kicked off for ‘drinking too much’ and ‘trying to light a bong with a lightsaber’. “ANSWER ME — WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DO THIS STUFF?!” YODA, ALRIGHT?! I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YODA! What Would Your Job Be In The Star Wars Universe? Use This Flow Chart [nerdbastards] Thanks to Christine, who was really hoping to be a cocktail waitress at Mos Eisley.

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Great, I’m A Death Star Thermal Exhaust Port Operator: The Star Wars Jobs Flowchart

Great, now I want a Code Red. F***ing love that stuff . I’ll even finish a bottle that’s been rolling around in the backseat of my burning-hot car for fours days. You think I’m above that? I’m not above anything. This is the NSFW Workplace Safety Advisory System, it works just like the color-coded Homeland Security Advisory System. I don’t know about you, but I could die happily never seeing a threat over yellow. You? I can tell you’re a deviant. “LET’S CRANK THAT SHIT UP TO PURPLISH-BLACK AND DO THIS!” NSFW Workplace Safety Advisory System [buzzfeed]

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CODE RED!: The NSFW Safety Advisory Chart

This is a screenshot of some kid playing ‘Christmas Light Hero’ on the front of his (parents’) house. And I thought I was a crazy Christmas decorator (I am, I wander around the front yard in my bathrobe cackling)! According to the Daily What, Ric Turner, a former Disney ‘imagineer’ and special effects specialist, turned his yard into a game of Guitar Hero, built out of 21,268 lights and LEDs, that plays Eric Johnson’s “Cliffs of Dover.” To program the show a video recording was made of a perfect round of Guitar Hero playing Eric Johnson’s Cliffs of Dover. The timing of all the dots and the light show choreography follow that video. When you play, you watch only the Christmas lights, but the audio you hear is from the Wii, so your flubs are broadcast for all to hear (people in cars can tune 99.1 and crank it up as loud as they want.) Wow, that’s….impressive. Not as impressive as wiring up a homemade ‘Rock Band, Holiday Edition’ using EVERY HOUSE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, but it’s not bad for an amateur effort. It is sooooo on, Ric! (I have all the giant inflatables, just sayin’). Hit the jump for the video of the lights in action.

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Guitar Hero Inspired ‘Christmas Light Hero’ Actually Playable On The Side Of A House

Today marks the 25th birthday of Tetris . In its quarter century of service it has been responsible for thirty googlejillion man hours of gameplay and countless drops in productivity. I know I got fired for playing at work once. You here that, the man? YOU CAN’T HOLD ME DOWN! Happy Birthday, Tetris, this long piece is for you. And by long piece I mean 40. A GLUGLULGLULAGLUG! At 25, `Tetris’ drops into place as gaming icon [yahoonews] Thanks to Pat, Watch-303, catch22 and /Eyeroll, who don’t even bother working at work anymore.

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Screw Productivity: Happy Birthday, Tetris!