Because what good is science if you can’t use it to kill a whole lot of people, evil doctors have successfully genetically modified the avian flu to be much, much deadlier. *coughing* OH GOD I HAVE IT, DON’T I?! I have been peeing a lot of blood… Inside a Dutch medical facility is a potentially devastating weapon that could kill millions: A genetically modified version of the H5N1 bird flu, engineered to be easily transmitted among ferrets. And the researchers who figured out how to do it would like to share their work with the world. This is a terrifying prospect…Virologists have thought avian flu could not adapt to mammals easily because it would require drastic changes to the virus’ genetic makeup, which might make it unable to reproduce. But Fouchier says his work proves this is untrue. “I can’t think of another pathogenic organism that is as scary as this one,” [National Security Advisory Board on Biosecurity chair Paul] Keim told Science Insider. “I don’t think anthrax is scary at all compared to this.” Wonderful news, really. I mean, why SHOULDN’T scientists be trying to engineer an avian flu that’s easily transmittable to mammals? It just makes good sense. Cure cancer? Maybe later, we’re still trying to figure out how to give humans cat AIDS. Should a New Recipe for Engineered Bird Flu, Potent Enough to Kill Millions, Be Published? [popsci] Thanks to Drew, Tony, krakow and Robina, who agree scientists should be less time creating a deadlier bird flu and more time reverse-engineering dinosaurs from chickens. Amen to that!

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Evil Scientists Engineer Deadlier Version Of Bird Flu

Because you can’t be a robot sympathizer without being a giant f***ing racist as well (how do you feel about robots again?), some Italian scientists decided to dress a robot in faux Native American headdress and teach it archery. YOU’RE TERRIBLE PEOPLE! Just kidding (I have to say that because Dr. Kormushev sent the tip). Dr. Petar Kormushev and his colleagues at the Italian Institute of Technology’s (IIT) Advanced Robotics Dept. love to teach human skills to robots…Dr. Kormushev and company have now taught a robot to be a skilled archer in just eight tries. Above is a picture of said archer. The good news is he has the body of a 3 and a half year old baby. The bad news is that he’s iCub, an open source robot, so there’s more of him out there. Kinda like little versions of the ones in I, Robot . Are they planning to make a mediocre movie? They must be stopped. But first we have to get our hands on ARCHER (Augmented Reward Chained Regression), the learning algorithm that enabled the iCub to learn to hit bulls eyes in the first place. After every trial, the iCub sees where his arrow hit and consequently adjusts his aim for the next try. Wow, I’ve always known Italians are awful, shameless people who wear too much gold, but this is ridiculous. Huh? Oh I’m allowed to say that because I’m half Italian. The other half? French . KIDDING! God I felt dirty just saying it. Still love your fries! Hit the jump for the last thing I’d ever want shooting an apple off my head in action.

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NOT COOL BROS: Bow And Arrow Robot

Wonderful news: apparently my only remaining love in life might be slowly killing me. That’s right — box-springs may act as giant radiation-spewing antennas, filling our bodies with the nasty while we sleep . And all this from trying to figure out why breast cancer is 10% more likely to appear in the left boobie than the right. GOD, JUST TAKE ME NOW! *eying margarita on nightstand* Whoa whoa whoa, not so fast big guy — I’ve been saved. The research, carried out by Hallberg Independent Research and the Karolinska Institute, both in Sweden, attempts to correlate the fact that most people tend to sleep on their right side and that the length of a box spring mattress in America is exactly the right length to make it act as an amplifier for FM and TV waves. “Thus, as we sleep on our coil-spring mattresses, we are in effect sleeping on an antenna that amplifies the intensity of the broadcast FM/TV radiation,” writes Scientific American. “Asleep on these antennas, our bodies are exposed to the amplified electromagnetic radiation for a third of our life spans.” The radiation would be the strongest almost a meter above the surface of the box spring, which would mean that the side of your body that you’re not sleeping on would get hit the hardest. In most cases, that’d be your left. Sounds pretty convincing, doesn’t it? Too bad it’s all fake research. I’ve got two words for you: Tempur-Pedic conspiracy . Kidding, I’m not really one of those crazy conspiracy theorists (It’s those asshats over at Sleep Number and I know it!). Great, even our beds could be causing cancer [dvice] and Your Boxspring Could Be Acting as a Gigantic, Cancer-Causing Radiation Antenna [gizmodo]

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Of Course, The One Thing I Love Is Killing Me: Beds May Emit Raditation, Cause Cancer

I don’t know, but it doesn’t sound good . I better finish my rocket double-time before this thing goes and swallows up the solar system. WHO’S COMING WITH ME? I have room for three. Plus snacks. Operators of the world’s largest atom smasher on Friday ramped up their massive machine to three times the energy ever previously achieved, in the run-up to experiments probing the secrets of the universe. The European Organization for Nuclear Research, or CERN, said beams of protons circulated at 3.5 trillion electron volts in both directions around the 17-mile tunnel housing the Large Hadron Collider under the Swiss-French border at Geneva. The next major development is expected in a few days when CERN starts colliding the beams in a new round of research to examine the tiniest particles and forces within the atom in hopes of finding out more about how matter is made up. Not to put a damper on your weekend, but we’re all as good as dead. So you know what that means — drink like you’ve never drank before!* *Geekologie accepts no responsibility for alcohol poisoning but will take all the credit if you manage to score some awkward, drunken sex. Atom Smasher Sets 3.5-Trillion Volt Energy Record [foxnews] Thanks to hybridsix, who promises to sabotage the machine with more bread. Smart, hybridsix, way to buy us some time.

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What Does That Even Mean?: Large Hadron Collider "Sets 3.5-Trillion Volt Energy Record"