According to entirely untrustworthy sources , scientists at CERN’s Large Hadron Collider are close to proving the existence of the Higgs Boson, aka ‘God’ particle, the elusive bit of matter responsible for providing objects with mass. Alternatively, they might be even closer to creating a massive black hole and swallowing the entire Milky Way. IMPRESSIVE! (One time I tried downing a Snickers without chewing and nearly choked to death) “ATLAs sees a small excess at a Higgs mass of 126 GeV [Giga electron volts] coming from 3 channels,” CERN scientists wrote on Twitter. Put simply, the scientists have greatly narrowed the area they are studying in the hunt for the Higgs Boson. But Fabiola Gianotti, the scientist in charge of the ATLAS experiment at the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, said the signal they have detected may or may not be the Higgs. “I think it would be extremely kind of the Higgs boson to be here,” she said during the seminar. “But it is too early” for final conclusions, she said. “More studies and more data are needed. The next few months will be very exciting … I don’t know what the conclusions will be.” Okay so I have zero clue what any of that meant, but that’s not what’s important. What IS important is destroying the Large Hadron Collider before they find God’s particle. Have you scientists every considered maybe he doesn’t want it found? Shouldn’t we at least wait until ‘MISSING PARTICLE’ signs start appearing on light poles? “What the — you just want to see if there’s a reward.” ETERNAL LIFE WILL BE MINE! Scientists Close in on ‘God Particle’ [foxnews] Thanks to Regular Josh, tetriz, Mark and Amber, who agree you don’t go looking for a lost dog until you actually know it’s lost, and the same should apply to particles. Amen to that! (Plus bonus God tie-in)

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Scientists Close To Proof Of Higgs Boson ‘God’ Particle

China is considering temporarily capturing an asteroid in earth’s orbit and then mining it for all it’s valuable metals. Me? I say we invent hoverboards first, THEN start mining asteroids. That way, when the asteroid does wind up destroying earth , we can at least all die happy. …seem fairly optimistic that they could tweak the orbit of a near-Earth asteroid by just enough (a change in velocity of only about 1,300 feet-per-second or so) to get it to temporarily enter Earth orbit at about twice the distance as the Moon. The orbit would be unstable, and eventually (after a few years) the asteroid would head back out into space from whence it came, but it would stick there long enough for us to poke around on it. While the Chinese are likely going to start small (the prime candidate right now is a 30-foot-wide rock), they’re thinking bigger. Much bigger. Like, over a mile bigger, since a metallic asteroid that size would be worth an absolutely staggering amount of money. Now, were something to get screwed up and that mile-wide metallic asteroid hit Earth instead, we’d be looking at something like a 24-mile-wide crater and a fireball so large that trees 200 miles away would spontaneously burst into flames… There’s speculation that mining an asteroid a mile-wide could be worth something to the tune of 25-trillion dollars. That’s a 25 followed by like *Wikipedia’s ‘trillion’, gets confused* a LOT of 0’s afterward. And you know what else has a lot of zeros following them? The Kardashians on Twitter. DAMMIT TWEENS. Chinese want to capture an asteroid into Earth’s orbit [dvice] Thanks to Pescada, who’s played Asteroids at the arcade before and can tell you it’s not as easy as it looks.

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China: Let’s Trap An Asteroid In Earth’s Orbit And Mine It. GW: Don’t And Say We Did?

That’s right folks, I’m calling it. Sometime on or before May 30th. The world may end in 2012, but it all starts in 2011 . BOOM, movie concept. Get that made by fall — I want Shia Laboof attached. If you get up any morning for the next few weeks, you’ll be treated to the sight of all the planets except Saturn arrayed along the ecliptic, the path of the sun through the sky. For the last two months, almost all the planets have been hiding behind the sun, but this week they all emerge and are arrayed in a grand line above the rising sun. Mercury, Venus, Mars, and Jupiter are visible, and you can add Uranus and Neptune to your count if you have binoculars or a small telescope. Now I don’t want to ruin how the world ends, but I will give you a hint: something about gravity fields and planets hitting each other. You ever seen a planet hit another one? They all punch like babies. Except Uranus — it really packs a punch. Get it? I’M ASKING HOW IS YOUR OFFICE CHAIR NOT ON FIRE. Six Planets Now Aligned in the Dawn Sky [yahoo] and Picture [abovetopsecret] Thanks to matt, who’s already building a bunker. Bunker or pillow fort?

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Rare Six Planet Alignment Heralds Doomsday

The Conversacube is a make-believe product that prevents stagnant conversation on a date by providing constant suggestions of things to say to the troll your mom set you up with. “Your eyes, they’re just so….far apart.” Lauren McCarthy’s idea seems harmless enough - a gadget that helps people be more sociable. Hell, if this thing was real it’s definitely something you and your date can talk about. It would also have family and kids versions, both of which are equally ridiculous. I’m pretty sure this is a commentary on how reliant people can be on technology and how some people are becoming more used to digital means of socializing than with physical or face-to-face interaction. Because as a serious concept this thing is just sad. Listen: I 100% agree with the commentary that technology is making it more difficult for some people to function in social situations. And that is EXACTLY why I’m opening a school that teaches folks how to be social. It’s gonna be called the ‘Geekologie Writer’s Non-nonprofit Institute for a Personable Society’. Sign up today, space in GW’s NIPS is extremely limited (they’re like the size of dried apricots). Hit the jump for the cube in action on a date.

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Conversacube: Never An Awkward Moment

There are good ideas and there are great ideas . This is a f***ing terrible one. Nuking the oil leak to cover that shit in rubble and seal it off. Plus birth Godzilla! (which, admittedly, I am for) A plan proposed to detonate a nuke to seal off that troublesome oil well is gaining support with each of BP’s failures. The Russians apparently used the tactic five times between 1966 and 1981. They went four for five. Will it ever happen? According to an anonymous source at the Los Alamos National Laboratory in New Mexico — y’know, the guys and gals who created the Bomb in the first place — no. “It’s not going to happen,” continuing on with “Technically, it would be exploring new ground in the midst of a disaster — and you might make it worse.” Listen: I know James Cameron may be some kind of expert on submersibles and underwater filming, but if you’re considering atomic warheads you’re gonna need me on the team . Because I’m an atomic expert. Just sayin’, one time I nuked a hotdog for three minutes before it exploded. Nuking the oil spill, a ‘crazy’ plan that’s gathering steam [dvice]

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Smart Thinking: Okay Forget James Cameron, Let’s Just Nuke That Oil Spill! (Yes, Seriously)