Because humanity is determined to have an apocalypse this year one way or another, scientists have moved the nuclear doomsday clock forward a minute to 11:55. Quick — we should probably make out while there’s still time! “No way, you smell like booze.” Yeah but you’re uuuuugly . “It is five minutes to midnight. Two years ago [when the clock was reversed to 6-minutes to midnight], it appeared that world leaders might address the truly global threats that we face. In many cases, that trend has not continued or been reversed. For that reason, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists is moving the clock hand one minute closer to midnight, back to its time in 2007.” So yeah, apparently world leaders aren’t addressing global threats and that’s why they moved it forward. Or — OR — was it because the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell got my order wrong and I threatened “to blow this shithole planet up like Alderaan”? I was honking my horn and yelling, people might’ve heard! Doomsday Clock moves 1 minute closer to catastrophe [cnet] Thanks to sam, Patrick88 and Karen, who don’t care when the world ends as long as they get 24 hours notice. Me? Four hours and a stomach full of boner pills.

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Doomsday Clock Inches A Minute Closer To Midnight

Because what good is science if you can’t use it to kill a whole lot of people, evil doctors have successfully genetically modified the avian flu to be much, much deadlier. *coughing* OH GOD I HAVE IT, DON’T I?! I have been peeing a lot of blood… Inside a Dutch medical facility is a potentially devastating weapon that could kill millions: A genetically modified version of the H5N1 bird flu, engineered to be easily transmitted among ferrets. And the researchers who figured out how to do it would like to share their work with the world. This is a terrifying prospect…Virologists have thought avian flu could not adapt to mammals easily because it would require drastic changes to the virus’ genetic makeup, which might make it unable to reproduce. But Fouchier says his work proves this is untrue. “I can’t think of another pathogenic organism that is as scary as this one,” [National Security Advisory Board on Biosecurity chair Paul] Keim told Science Insider. “I don’t think anthrax is scary at all compared to this.” Wonderful news, really. I mean, why SHOULDN’T scientists be trying to engineer an avian flu that’s easily transmittable to mammals? It just makes good sense. Cure cancer? Maybe later, we’re still trying to figure out how to give humans cat AIDS. Should a New Recipe for Engineered Bird Flu, Potent Enough to Kill Millions, Be Published? [popsci] Thanks to Drew, Tony, krakow and Robina, who agree scientists should be less time creating a deadlier bird flu and more time reverse-engineering dinosaurs from chickens. Amen to that!

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Evil Scientists Engineer Deadlier Version Of Bird Flu

China is considering temporarily capturing an asteroid in earth’s orbit and then mining it for all it’s valuable metals. Me? I say we invent hoverboards first, THEN start mining asteroids. That way, when the asteroid does wind up destroying earth , we can at least all die happy. …seem fairly optimistic that they could tweak the orbit of a near-Earth asteroid by just enough (a change in velocity of only about 1,300 feet-per-second or so) to get it to temporarily enter Earth orbit at about twice the distance as the Moon. The orbit would be unstable, and eventually (after a few years) the asteroid would head back out into space from whence it came, but it would stick there long enough for us to poke around on it. While the Chinese are likely going to start small (the prime candidate right now is a 30-foot-wide rock), they’re thinking bigger. Much bigger. Like, over a mile bigger, since a metallic asteroid that size would be worth an absolutely staggering amount of money. Now, were something to get screwed up and that mile-wide metallic asteroid hit Earth instead, we’d be looking at something like a 24-mile-wide crater and a fireball so large that trees 200 miles away would spontaneously burst into flames… There’s speculation that mining an asteroid a mile-wide could be worth something to the tune of 25-trillion dollars. That’s a 25 followed by like *Wikipedia’s ‘trillion’, gets confused* a LOT of 0’s afterward. And you know what else has a lot of zeros following them? The Kardashians on Twitter. DAMMIT TWEENS. Chinese want to capture an asteroid into Earth’s orbit [dvice] Thanks to Pescada, who’s played Asteroids at the arcade before and can tell you it’s not as easy as it looks.

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China: Let’s Trap An Asteroid In Earth’s Orbit And Mine It. GW: Don’t And Say We Did?

Astrology, arguably the most credible of all the sciences (it can predict your future!), has apparently needed a facelift for some time, but, like gravity and plastics taking so long to invent, had managed to fly under the radar . That is, until now . Also, there’s a bonus, previously unused Zodiac sign that’s now in alignment! *cue ‘National Treasure 3′ theme* Astronomer Parke Kunkle tells NBC news that due to the Earth’s changing alignment in the last 3000 years, the sign you are born into now are different than they were long ago. Plus, some astronomers believe there is a 13th Zodiac sign called Ophiuchus, which falls between Scorpio and Sagittarius. “This is not something that happened today. This has gone on for thousands of years,” says Kunkle. “Because of this change of tilt, the Earth is really over here in effect and Sun is in a different constellation than it was 3,000 years ago.” So astrology enthusiasts should be using these dates, which reflect the current alignment of the Sun, Earth and stars. Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16 Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11 Pisces: March 11- April 18 Aries: April 18- May 13 Taurus: May 13- June 21 Gemini: June 21- July 20 Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10 Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16 Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30 Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23 Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29 Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17 Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20 Whew, still a Leo. What about you, did you change signs? Because you certainly didn’t change clothes — that’s the same shit you wore yesterday! Haha, what do you mean, how could I tell? Gee I dunno — the ‘KICK ME’ sign, maybe? *punt* *squeak* OMG TELL ME YOU DID NOT JUST FART ON MY SHOE. Ophiuchus, new Zodiac sign dates and your real astrological sign [zap2it] Thanks to smessica, koolaidzeus and Staticwolf, who are all Cobras. Commanders?! PLEEAAAASE LET ME SEE YOUR FACES!

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The Signs Of The Zodiac Have Changed, You’re Now A Cancer (To Society Anyway)

Earthquakes : they’re scary. Almost as scary as tornadoes . Did you know in the event of an earthquake you’re supposed to stand in a doorway? I didn’t. I thought you were supposed to stop drop and roll. OMG — I think my teacher was trying to kill me. Eff you Miss Gardner! Hag-bag! In anticipation of a 7.6 magnitude earthquake possibly hitting the city of Istanbul by 2030, an MA design student named Younghwa Lee from Kingston’s University has designed a special kind of door that protects residents from falling quake debris. Designed to ensure safety and reduce injury or death, the door folds horizontally in the middle, while the bottom part remains braced against the floor for support. The door frame has a built-in cabinet that contains a wind-up flashlight, containers of drinking water and medical supplies to ensure immediate medical aid before medics arrive in case of injury. Smart thinking, Younghwa. Granted nobody is gonna be thinking clear enough to actually use one in the event of an earthquake (”EARTHQUAKE — Fold the doors, fold the doors!”) but smart thinking nonetheless. Also smart thinking: hang-gliding out the nearest window. “But my office is underground.” Ouch . Knock knock. Who’s there? An earthquake. An earthqua– GAAAAHH! Specially designed door shelters people against falling earthquake debris [thedesignblog] Thanks to Matt, who just cries in the bathtub like a normal person. With or without bubbles?

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New Door Helps Prevent Injury During Quakes

Seen here practicing its pews , an unmanned robotic death & destruction copter went rogue while flying around Washington DC . I suspect it was coming to my old apartment. Thank God I never forwarded my mail! A software error, combined with an unfortunate user action, led to a US military robot helicopter - developed from a manned version and capable of carrying a fearsome arsenal of weapons - straying into restricted airspace near Washington DC, according to reports. Losses of communications between unmanned aircraft and ground operators are a routine event, but seldom have serious consequences. Robot planes and choppers lacking instructions from their human masters will normally circle where they are when comms go down, and control is almost always restored shortly thereafter… The difference here is that the MQ-8 failed to follow its built-in failure protocol, instead continuing on course. Unmanned aircraft are generally restricted to operations in special military-controlled airspace and are forbidden to enter areas governed by normal civil rules. Did you read that? It failed to follow its built-in failure protocol. Try to explain that, robot-apocalypse naysayers! It’s coming. And when it does, oh boy, when it does . I’m gonna shit bricks! Hopefully gold ones . ROBOT KILL-CHOPPER GOES ROGUE above Washington DC! [theregister] (who may or may not have learned they know about headline writing from yours truly) Thanks to Tracy, spotisfocus, Mikey D., alan, Tareek, Chris, Mesnard, Matt and APOCALYPSE PAUL, who would have shot that beast out of the sky and made a laptop out of its guts. You, uh, sure that’s safe?

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DEFCON 1! — We Have A Situation!: Robotic Death-Chopper Goes Rogue Over DC

Because even God shines his starlight favorably on me for my birthday, the Perseid meteor shower will reach its peak tonight, possibly signaling the apocalypse . Did I mention Mars, Venus, Saturn and the crescent moon will all be clustered together as well? We’re as good as dead. Suck it 2012, you don’t have shit on my 2010 birthday! Across the Northern Hemisphere, the best time to watch the Perseid meteor shower will be tonight through the pre-dawn hours local time Friday, regardless of where you live. Weather permitting, patient skywatchers could see a shooting star every minute or so. Meanwhile, Venus, Mars and Saturn are clustered in the evening sky and will be joined tonight and Friday by the graceful crescent moon. Anyone with clear skies can easily spot the foursome looming above the western horizon as soon as darkness falls. While the planets and our moon are all very far apart in space, they appear lined up this week thanks to a special circumstance of orbital mechanics. The outer planets, Mars and Saturn, take much longer to go around the sun than the inner planet Venus. Venus “laps” the outer planets frequently, and it never strays far from the sun from our vantage point. Now I’m not suggesting you all walk out of work right now and start birthday partying with me until the Meteor Shower of the Apocalypse arrives, but you and I both know it’s the right thing to do. Seriously — how do you want to spend your final hours: working for the man OR GETTING BELLIGERENT WITH THE GW AND SKIPPING OUT ON OUR TAB? Balls are gross in your court. Spectacular Meteor Shower and Rare Planet Alignment Coincide [yahoonews]

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Star Gazing!: Meteor Shower Peaks Tonight

Wonderful news: apparently my only remaining love in life might be slowly killing me. That’s right — box-springs may act as giant radiation-spewing antennas, filling our bodies with the nasty while we sleep . And all this from trying to figure out why breast cancer is 10% more likely to appear in the left boobie than the right. GOD, JUST TAKE ME NOW! *eying margarita on nightstand* Whoa whoa whoa, not so fast big guy — I’ve been saved. The research, carried out by Hallberg Independent Research and the Karolinska Institute, both in Sweden, attempts to correlate the fact that most people tend to sleep on their right side and that the length of a box spring mattress in America is exactly the right length to make it act as an amplifier for FM and TV waves. “Thus, as we sleep on our coil-spring mattresses, we are in effect sleeping on an antenna that amplifies the intensity of the broadcast FM/TV radiation,” writes Scientific American. “Asleep on these antennas, our bodies are exposed to the amplified electromagnetic radiation for a third of our life spans.” The radiation would be the strongest almost a meter above the surface of the box spring, which would mean that the side of your body that you’re not sleeping on would get hit the hardest. In most cases, that’d be your left. Sounds pretty convincing, doesn’t it? Too bad it’s all fake research. I’ve got two words for you: Tempur-Pedic conspiracy . Kidding, I’m not really one of those crazy conspiracy theorists (It’s those asshats over at Sleep Number and I know it!). Great, even our beds could be causing cancer [dvice] and Your Boxspring Could Be Acting as a Gigantic, Cancer-Causing Radiation Antenna [gizmodo]

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Of Course, The One Thing I Love Is Killing Me: Beds May Emit Raditation, Cause Cancer

This is a video documenting the location and country responsible for all 2,053 known nuclear explosions between 1945-1998. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? If you answered, “Jesus, how are we all not dead ?” you are! You know the Ruskies were experimenting with blowing up the earth’s core and destroying the planet, right? Because I didn’t just make that up. It came to me in a dream. The same one where I had sex with a lava monster! Although the map and graphics are almost comically low-res, the minimalist presentation is so effective you can’t look away. Every explosion produces a musical chime, and every time a new nation goes nuclear, it gets a different note. We were particularly struck by the Cold War musical duel between the U.S. and U.S.S.R., as each responds to the other’s nuclear testing, resulting in a darkly impressive light show on the map. Neat idea. So neat I’ve been inspired to make a world map with the chronology of my sexual experiences from 1995-2010. Hold on to your hats, folks, you’re about to see some real fireworks! Idaho, 2004: looked at another man’s wiener while peeing. Hit it for the long-ass video (and a sped-up Youtube version), but feel free to skip around.

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Video Shows Location/Country Responsible For All Nuclear Explosions From 1948-1998

Note: Video is after the jump because I’d prefer all the shitted-pants on the second page for easier cleanup. Q : What’s cooler than an autonomous quadrocopter that can fly through windows and perch on vertical surfaces? A : Everything, including drowning. We don’t know whether we should be terrified or overjoyed. We’ve just come across a video demo from the University of Pennsylvania’s GRASP Lab that shows an autonomous quadrotor helicopter performing “precise aggressive maneuvers.” You’ve got to watch the video to see just how amazingly this thing moves, it’s 100% terrifying. And speaking of terrifying: my face in the mirror when I woke up this morning. Joking — I’M THE FAIREST BITCH THIS SIDE OF FAIRYTALE LAND. Suck it, Snow White! … … Haha, what do you mean, “after all the dwarfs”? Hit it for the aerial acrobatics.

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Autonomous Quadrocopter Can Fly Through Windows, Perch, Murder You In Your Sleep