This is why poor people can’t have nice things. David Derp Dopp won this 2008 Lamborghini Murcielago LP-640 in a convenience store’s “Joe Shmo to Lambo” contest. Theeeeeeen crashed it in a field six hours later. Because that’s what you do with things you win: destroy them . By God I woke up without a Lambo AND I’M GOING TO SLEEP WITHOUT ONE. Dopp was taking family members and friends on joy rides the first evening. He said he took a curve at about 45 mph and “hit some black ice and spun out.” The car jumped a curb and went through a fence before coming to a rest about 75 feet off the road. Neither Dopp nor his passenger was injured. The lime green convertible was being held by his insurance company at a Utah towing yard. It will be sent to an authorized Las Vegas dealer for repairs next week. “I already had offers on it. I’m going to sell it,” David Dopp said Wednesday. “I have bills more important than a Lamborghini. I’ve got a family to support.” Pfft, what bills and family are actually more important than a Lamborghini? Everyone can have bills and a family, but a Lambo? That’s a once in a miserable lifetime opportunity. If there was a contest for a Lambo where you had to alienate your entire family AND pay a fat tax I would enter it. Hello, sis? I HATE YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN ARE TROLLS. See? Piece of cake. *dialing grandpa* Hit the jump for a video news report of the sadness.

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Smooth: Man Wins Lambo, Crashes 6 Hours Later

I’m not gonna lie bro, you wouldn’t stand a chance at ‘The Most Dangerous Game’ . Some dipshit moron shot a fox and, having not killed it because he sucks at aiming , decided to try beating it to death with the butt of his rifle . Only thing was, the sly fox wasn’t having it. The unnamed hunter, who had approached the fox after wounding it from a distance, was in hospital with a leg wound, while the fox made its escape, media said, citing prosecutors from the Grodno region. “The animal fiercely resisted and in the struggle accidentally pulled the trigger with its paw,” one prosecutor was quoted as saying. Whoa whoa whoa — prosecutors?! Please tell me they’re not trying to put the poor fox in prison. THAT SHIT WAS CLEARLY SELF-DEFENSE!! Outfoxed! Prey shoots hunter [msnbc] and Picture Thanks to Max and Bella Meow, who don’t hunt for anything but treasure. OMG — PIRATES!! ( Pleaaaaase let me join your crew)

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Worst Hunter EVER: Man Injures Fox, Fox Shoots Man (Without Human-Hunting Permit!)

First of all, whoever started calling this thing a unicorn obviously failed Mythical Creatures 101 because, and I’m sure you know this, UNICORNS HAVE A UNI-CORN. This, if anything, is a duocorn , which are far less rare (I’ve even seen them dead on the side of the road ). One of the rarest creatures on the planet has been sighted in Laos. The saola, which has been dubbed the ‘Asian unicorn’ despite being double horned, hasn’t been photographed since 1999. The individual pictured above was captured and taken back to a small village, where it unfortunately died in captivity several days later. “Died in captivity” — HA! I mean, come on. Now I’m not saying somebody obviously killed it and ate its steak with the hopes of gaining magical powers, but I did just catch the redeye back from Laos and let me tell you, boy are my arms tired! Get it? Because I masturbate on long flights! Rare ‘Asian Unicorn’ Caught in Laos [wired] Thanks to Divo, TobyRaider, Romeo and Jesslyn, who agree its tears probably aren’t even strong enough to make potions.

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Weird, It Doesn’t Look Magical: Rare Asian ‘Unicorn’ Spotted For First Time In Decade

This is a video documenting the location and country responsible for all 2,053 known nuclear explosions between 1945-1998. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? If you answered, “Jesus, how are we all not dead ?” you are! You know the Ruskies were experimenting with blowing up the earth’s core and destroying the planet, right? Because I didn’t just make that up. It came to me in a dream. The same one where I had sex with a lava monster! Although the map and graphics are almost comically low-res, the minimalist presentation is so effective you can’t look away. Every explosion produces a musical chime, and every time a new nation goes nuclear, it gets a different note. We were particularly struck by the Cold War musical duel between the U.S. and U.S.S.R., as each responds to the other’s nuclear testing, resulting in a darkly impressive light show on the map. Neat idea. So neat I’ve been inspired to make a world map with the chronology of my sexual experiences from 1995-2010. Hold on to your hats, folks, you’re about to see some real fireworks! Idaho, 2004: looked at another man’s wiener while peeing. Hit it for the long-ass video (and a sped-up Youtube version), but feel free to skip around.

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Video Shows Location/Country Responsible For All Nuclear Explosions From 1948-1998