This is a video of a modern slot car race, and let me tell you — it probably should’ve been shot with a high-speed camera . Me? I probably should’ve been shot with a rifle. You can see two cars going by in the bottom portion of the screencap I took, and they just look like little blurs . Kind of like my face right now. *shaking head* “Why are you doing that?” I’ll look ugly if I stop! “Well you’re vomiting.” Does it look handsome?! “No, it looks like cereal.” Haha, that’s cat food. Hit the jump for the video, but the action doesn’t start till 0:55. Green car flies off the track around 1:08.

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Zoom Zoooooom!: Modern Slot Car Races Are FAST

This is why poor people can’t have nice things. David Derp Dopp won this 2008 Lamborghini Murcielago LP-640 in a convenience store’s “Joe Shmo to Lambo” contest. Theeeeeeen crashed it in a field six hours later. Because that’s what you do with things you win: destroy them . By God I woke up without a Lambo AND I’M GOING TO SLEEP WITHOUT ONE. Dopp was taking family members and friends on joy rides the first evening. He said he took a curve at about 45 mph and “hit some black ice and spun out.” The car jumped a curb and went through a fence before coming to a rest about 75 feet off the road. Neither Dopp nor his passenger was injured. The lime green convertible was being held by his insurance company at a Utah towing yard. It will be sent to an authorized Las Vegas dealer for repairs next week. “I already had offers on it. I’m going to sell it,” David Dopp said Wednesday. “I have bills more important than a Lamborghini. I’ve got a family to support.” Pfft, what bills and family are actually more important than a Lamborghini? Everyone can have bills and a family, but a Lambo? That’s a once in a miserable lifetime opportunity. If there was a contest for a Lambo where you had to alienate your entire family AND pay a fat tax I would enter it. Hello, sis? I HATE YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN ARE TROLLS. See? Piece of cake. *dialing grandpa* Hit the jump for a video news report of the sadness.

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Smooth: Man Wins Lambo, Crashes 6 Hours Later

This is a picture of a $3-million, 328-foot wind turbine in North Ayrshire, Scotland trying to cope with hurricane winds. Obviously, it coped poorly. Like me in high school getting called a dork all the time. Which brings up an important topic: bullying. Listen up kids, I want you to remember this: no matter what mean things kids might say to you in school (and they’ll try to say the worst), just know that in six to ten years they’ll ask to be your friend on Facebook and you’ll look through their pictures and see they’re fat as shit and living in squalor with like three ugly babies. Trust me. You know what I’m talking about, Angela W.! You called me a four-eyed freak sophomore year and now look at you — breathing heavy with two cross-eyed kids from some redneck! Wind turbine can’t keep up; explodes into flames [dvice] Thanks to Bryan, who agrees the only thing better than green energy is black magic . I brought a run-over squirrel back to life!

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Gusty: Hurricane Causes Wind Turbine Explosion

We’ve seen steering wheel desks in the past , but never anything of this quality. I mean, it has cupholders . And — AND — an iPad stand . What is this, 2050? Is that a f***ing hover car?! Now granted the desk is only meant for use when in park, but is that gonna stop me from multitasking on the drive to work? No. Actually paying attention to the road so I don’t get pulled over is. Get it? Because I don’t have a license. Don’t tell the po-po! Hit the jump for a couple more crappy quality shots and a link to the Etsy product page.

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Mulitasking: Homemade Steering Wheel Desks

Motorcycles : you don’t want to fall off one. But if you do you want to be well protected. Also, riding on pillows. Enter UD Replica’s (of Dark Knight and Iron Man 2 leathers fame) Storm Trooper Motorcycle Suits. They’re leather, make you look like a Storm Trooper riding a speeder bike Suzuki, and will cost $1,100 when they come out next year. Also costing $1,100 when they come out next year? The shots I’m gonna sell to the tabloids of my first born child. “And why would they buy those?” Because it’s gonna be Santa’s. Hit the jump for closeups as well as some X-Men and Daredevil leathers that are also available.

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Darth’s Angels: Stormtrooper Motorcycle Leathers

13 exotic sports cars and a Prius were involved in a pileup in Japan over the weekend, with damages to the vehicles estimated as high as $4-million. And that’s not including the Prius. Those things are exorbitant! Also, absorbent (I’ve wiped with one before when they ran out of TP at a music festival). But local authorities say it likely wasn’t a case of “The Fast and the Furious.” Although the investigation is continuing, based on initial interviews, the type of the damage the vehicles suffered and injuries, authorities said they don’t believe the cars were burning rubber as per the highway throwdowns made famous in the street racer movie series. Instead, wet road conditions may have caused the first car, a Ferrari driven by a 60-year-old male, to slip on the two-lane highway and smash into a guard rail. Cars behind then added to the pile-up as they tried to screech on the brakes. Man that sucks. Here I am with ZERO Ferraris and there are people out there crashing eight of them at a time. It ain’t right! I mean, I deserve a sports car. “You don’t even have a license.” Exactly, so I’ll never crash it. “Or drive.” You’re right — flight simulator it is. Hit the jump for several more shots and a news video of the carnage.

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Car Crash In Japan Claims 8 Ferraris, 3 Mercedes, A Lamborghini Diablo, Nissan GT-R And A Prius

This is Traxxas’ new 1/7-scale electric XO-1, the first ready-to-run (no assembly required) R/C car capable of doing a real (not scale) 100MPH fresh out of the box . But you’re gonna need an actual raceway to drive the thing, because a Wal-Mart parking lot isn’t gonna cut it at 100MPH. The speed demon goes 0-60 in 2.3 seconds and 100 in 4.92. That’s…pretty fast . So fast you probably won’t even see it hit the wall. It costs $1,100 and requires an iPhone or iPod Touch to plug into the controller to unlock its 100MPH potential and provide a real-time tuning/data-tracking utility. Oh man, all this R/C car talk is really taking me back. My brother Frank and I used to build them from kits growing up. His were always turned out badass, but mine…mine never seemed to work. “Because you’re an idiot.” My brother Frank, ladies and gentlemen! Hit the jump for a video of the thing being demoed on an actual racetrack.

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R/C Car Does 100MPH Right Out Of The Box

Nintendo teamed up with West Coast Customs to make two real-life Mario Karts for display at the Los Angeles Auto Show. This is Mario’s classic kart here but there’s a Luigi bee-mobile or whatever after the jump. Both are impressive and I’d pay upwards of $12 for the opportunity to drive one. “Why $12?” Because that’s how much admission to the show costs . I’m gonna steal one and drive it home on the freeway! *peels out going wrong way, gets red-shelled by the po-po* Hit the jump for a couple closeups and the other car, as well as a link to Autoblog’s coverage with even more shots.

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Nintendo x West Coast Customs Make IRL Mario Karts

Inb4 “that looks like a [name some animal]’s penis”. This is a video demonstration of Norway’s new Naval Strike (Magic) Missile. The shakiness made me kinda woozy, but it’s worth checking out if you’ve got the stomach . Me? I’ve got that B-U-T-T-Z. *booty poppin’* The video follows a missile from launch as it flies just over the tops of waves, over an island, and finally through a ship. I’m not sure if civilians are going to be allowed to buy them. The testing for this next-generation anti-ship missile took place off Point Mugu, California in June of this year. According to Konsgberg, the NSM had only 1.5 seconds to acquire and positively ID the ship as its target before striking. The state-of-the-art missile weighs about 400 kg (880 lb) and has a range of 100 nautical miles, both along the coast and in the open ocean. It uses GPS, inertial and terrain reference systems to maintain its bearings. Being a cruise missile, and the only fifth-generation long range precision strike missile in existence, the NSM is capable of flying over land while avoiding obstacles and skimming just above the surface of the ocean to avoid radar detection. The NSM will also make a random high-G-force maneuver in order to confound enemy countermeasures just before it strikes with a 125 kg multi-purpose blast/fragmentation warhead. Hello — Norwegian Navy? This is General Gee Kologie from the US Army’s Antirobotics Division. Huh? What do you mean you’ve never heard of us?! *high-five, hipsters! Jk, jk — don’t touch me* Listen, I need some of these missiles you’ve got. No? Not buying it? What if I told you I’m in middle school and I need one for a science fair project? Hello? HELLO? They hung up on me! “You were talking into a skillet.” I thought it smelled like bacon. Hit the jump for the video. Hit your cubicle-mate for a fight.

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Norway’s New Stealthy Magic Missiles

This is a picture of a luxury car pileup in Monaco. It makes me sad and happy at the same time because 1. it’s always sad to see something beautiful get damaged *eyes own battle-scarred face in mirror* but 2. I have a thing against insanely rich people. “Oh you jelly, GW?” Damn yeah I’m jelly! I’m Smucker’s as a mutherf***er. The wealthy French Riviera city state of Monaco was the scene of a pileup involving five luxury cars with an estimated value of more than $1.1 million. The collision, involving a Bentley Azure (worth an estimated $400,000), a Mercedes S Class ($120,000), a Ferrari F430 ($230,000), an Aston Martin Rapide ($230,000) and a Porsche 911 ($130,000), occurred in front of Monaco’s Place du Casino, according to Sky News. The British TV network reported that the incident began when the Bentley scraped the side of the Mercedes before plowing into the Ferrari. Then, the Bentley proceeded to run into the Aston Martin and the Porsche . Haha! So basically it was all the Bentley driver’s fault. *eying driver in picture* Oh look, it’s…”Don’t do it, GW!” Fine, FINE, but only because I backed through my garage door yesterday. Even the crashes are stylish: Million-dollar wreck in Monaco [msnbc] Thanks to Mr. Fancy, who may or may yes have been driving the Aston Martin.

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Oh You Know, It’s Just A Bentley, Mercedes, Ferrari, Aston Martin & Porsche Car Crash