NOTE: SERIOUSLY TURN YOUR SPEAKERS DOWN TO BETWEEN 0 AND 1. I know I said no more Christmas posts , but I’m also a notorious liar. Just ask any my friends. “One time I used my only phone call from jail to call him and he said he’d be right there to bail me out. He never came.” Haha! Yeah, I went right back to sleep. This is a video of a kid getting an iPod Touch for Christmas and then raging his screamy little face off . It…reminds me why I don’t want to have kids. So much so I just nuked my balls in the microwave for like two minutes. “I thought it smelled like burnt pube and Hot Pocket in here!” Bite? Hit the jump for the video and remember to WRAP THAT DANGLE UP. UPDATE: So I just watched the video again because I hate myself that bad and please, don’t even bother — you’ll seriously regret it.

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Turn The Volume Down: Kid Gets iPod Touch, Rages

This is an art piece (and I use the term “art” as loose as the lips that sink ships) entitled ‘5 Million Dollars 1 Terabyte’ that consists of, you guessed it! — $5 million worth of illegally downloaded files on a 1-terrabyte hard drive . Wow, if art isn’t dead now, it at least has some bad sectors . HIYO — shitty disk drive humor! Accompanying the $5 million piece of evidence art is a PDF file that lists all the illegally obtained software that’s been stuffed into the hard drive, complete with shortened (TinyURL) links. A sample of what’s on there includes $3 million worth of fiction books from 2003 to 2011, a science textbook collection worth half a million dollars, 124GB of copyrighted music, fonts, Adobe software, various game system ROMs, and more. The hyperlinks mostly reference pages on The Pirate Bay and MegaUploads, with a few other torrent sites littering the list. Pfft — $3 million in fiction novels and another half mill in science textbooks? That is some of the saddest pirating I’ve ever heard of. Right up there with the crew that buried their treasure in a playground sandbox. Even I probably have at least a $1-million piece of “art”, except it’s actually filled with good stuff . Get it?! IT’S CALLED MY OLD LAPTOP. Totally a Picasso. Lots of imagery going on. Hit the jump for a couple more shots if you’re struggling with the idea of an external hard drive on a pedestal.

See the rest here:
‘$5M 1 Terabyte’ Art Piece Just A Hard Drive Packed With $5M Of Illegal Downloads

This is a video of several mosquitoes going to town (sucking blood, NOT boning) on some dude’s arm. Why you’d allow that sort of behavior is beyond me, but I suspect it has something to do with dude hoping one of them is radioactive so he can be become Mosquito Man and supervillain his ass into a bank vault. If you’re squeamish, I don’t really recommend watching it. I can honestly say I’ve never needed to watch mosquitoes sucking in high definition until their abdomens are all bloated and red with freshly-sucked blood. Now that I think about, I don’t need to see that in low definition. Shit, or scrambled like a porn channel you don’t pay for! The point is, I regret watching it. You can’t get malaria just from watching mosquitoes, right? “Can you get pregnant just from watching porn?” Good point, I should get tested. Hit the jump and start feeling like phantom bugs are crawling around all over you.

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GAAAAAAH!: Mosquitoes Sucking Blood In HD

British men, upset that woman get to have all the ’sticker crystals on your privates’ fun, have finally gotten their wish with Pejazzles: peel-off Swarovski crystal stickers for your wiener. LOOK LOOK — mine says ‘RAWR’! ‘Women don’t necessarily want a rough and ready man. Some prefer a man who’s groomed and takes care of himself. It’s each to their own,’ But can a man really be taken seriously while decorated with Swarovski crystals - especially ‘down there’ ‘Men wear diamond watches and bling earrings - this is no different ,’ I’m gonna go ahead and go out on a sturdy limb wiener here and argue that, no, penis crystals ARE actually different. Not sure how many times you failed the analogies portion of standardized tests, but my guess is every single one. I can see it now: Question 37. Diamond watches : bling earrings : : diamond cufflinks : WIENER JEWELLLLS!!!!11 After vajazzling comes pejazzling [dailymail] Thanks to ross and Manda, who agree the last thing any guy needs is a bunch of plastic penis stickers coming off inside their girlfriend.

The rest is here:
Your Wiener, Now With More Stick-On Crystals

This is a fully functional Terminator hand . It can operate with both the gentle caress of a feather OR CHOKE YOU OUT UNTIL YOUR EYES ROLL BACK IN YOUR HEAD with equal dexterity. Which — $10 if you let it give you an HJ without flinching. Developed by the Institute of Robotics and Mechatronics, part of the German Aerospace Center (DLR), the fully functional anthropomorphic robot hand can withstand major collisions and even direct pounding with a hammer, baseball bat or metal pipe, making it an essential part of future indestructible humanoid robots . UGH. Really, guys? What’s the purpose of a robotic hand that’s impenetrable to hammers, baseball bats and pipes? I seriously doubt a robot is gonna run into those things on the job UNLESS THEIR JOB IS KILLING HUMANS. I’m on to you, German Aerospace Center. Or should I say “Skynet”? DUM-DUM-DUM! Hit the jump for a brief video demonstration of somebody beating the thing with a hammer and bat.

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Terminator Hands Are Real, Indestructable

A bottle of absinthe, a $500 phone app and a removed wristwatch? Somebody’s trying to kill themself. Remember the $1,000 ‘I Am Rich’ iPhone app that doesn’t do anything except let other people know you’re actually stupid enough to pay $1,000 for an app that doesn’t do anything? Well now there’s a version available for Windows 7 phones at the low, low cost of $500. Jesus, now every peon and peasant in the countryside is gonna own the thing! Still, I recommend you buy it. That way everybody you’re trying to impress actually knows you’re rich. Also, about to get hit over the head with a sockful of Skittles and your wallet stolen. I Am Rich App Hits Windows Phone 7 [ohgizmo] Thanks to Sharon, who’s so rich she actually signs up for 2-year cell phone contracts and then breaks them just to spend money. LOLWTF LADY?!

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Well It’s About Freakin’ Time!: ‘I Am Rich’ App Now Available For Windows Phones

When it comes to proposing marriage to that special someone , I can think of at least ten better ways to do it than Facebook status update . At least eight of which involve wearing a clown mask and jumping out of a linen closet. Still, with society living more and more of their lives online, I can’t say I’m surprised. But I can say I’m disappointed. WoW raid proposal or GTFO! Facebook Marriage Proposal [buzzfeed] and Geekologie’s Facebook Fanpage Thanks to Caroline, who wants to be proposed to the old fashioned way: through a marriage arranged by her parents. Wait, what?!?!

Visit link:
So Romantic: Facebook Marriage Proposal

Really? I thought it was for idiot-morons. I unfriended and blocked everyone on my Facebook buddy-list that plays that shit a long time ago. It was like 200 people. What?! I know a lot of moms ! Amazon Product Site via Things That Are Real of the Day [thedailywh.at] Thanks to Nick, who left Mafia Wars for Farmville and made a New Year’s resolution to leave Farmville for living a real f***ing life. I’m holding you to it, Nick.

Original post:
Sadly A Real Book: ‘Farmville For Dummies’

Listen: I love puking in my mouth, having it spill out into the hand covering my mouth, then into the other hand at my chin, and ultimately onto the bedroom carpet and bathroom floor as much as the next normal person. That is to say, a lot. But I don’t need any bacon-flavored effervescent tablets to do the trick. Do I, booze ? That’s right — only you. God I love ya. So agreeable. If you drop one of these magic tablets into a glass of water it will instantly begin to dissolve, creating a cascade of bubbles that will infuse the water with a delicious bacon flavor. But don’t limit yourself to water. These Effervescent Drink Tablets work just as well in milk, juice or soda. Great for making bizarre beverages or slipping into a friend’s drink when they’re not looking. Each 2-1/4″ (5.7 cm) round tin contains about fifteen tablets. $3.50 scores a tin, which might actually be worth it considering you could secretly replace one of your wife’s Alka-Seltzers as a joke. Yes, now that I think about it, I want you to do that and report back to let me know how it went. Well? Whoa whoa whoa — hospital?! WTF’S THE MATTER WITH YOU, YOU DIDN’T TELL ME SHE WAS PREGNANT!! Which — weird she didn’t like it. Product Site Thanks to Matt and Joe B, who both put entire tins in a gallon of whole milk and chugged it. You, sirs, are gods among disgusting eating contest contestants.

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Diiiiiiiiiiisgusting: Bacon-Flavored Fizzy Tablets

You ever seen a robot-child pulling a kid around in a rickshaw? Now you have. And I think I speak for all of us when I say, “I want to cut its legs off and steal those glasses”. A creepy kid’s ride where they ride other (robot) kids, in the SM City Marikina mall in the Philippines. This is wrong on so many levels, we don’t know where to begin. Damnit, the Philippines. I’ve already got both hands full(!) keeping Japan’s collective robo-boner in check and you go and pull some shit like this. Believe me, you don’t want to follow in the footsteps of Japan (except for the worn-panty vending machines — those things draw hella-tourism). Youtube Thanks to Dj Azer, who would have tripped that kid and stole his wagon.

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Okaaaay: Child Riding In Robot Slave Buggy