Want to watch an old-ass video of two speds with zero logic and even less knowledge of their source material trying to explain why the Ninja Turtles and other cartoons lead to the occult ? Well you’re in luck! Mr. Beard and Mr. Mullet are here to help explain how the Ninja Turtles are led by a rat named Splinter who uses white magic (”like in Star Wars”) to battle black magic . Actually sounds like a positive message, right? WRONG. Because the use of ANY sort of magic is offensive to their Christian beliefs. What the — the Ninja Turtles never used f***ing magic! They go on to denounce The Simpsons for a potentially gay character. What would Jesus do? NOT THIS. Also, for two guys who hate the Ninja Turtles so bad you sure bought the shit out of some merchandise. Damn, growing up I would have killed for a birthday party like that. “See?! That’s the occult talking!” God, I was kidding bro. But I did try cutting my little brother and performing a ritual. Hit the jump for four minutes of two dudes with secret anime fetishes.

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Crime-Fighting Vigilantes, OR GATEWAY TO SATANISM?

This is a $165 Solid Grey backpack . It’s made out of single piece of rigid polyprene (plastic) and would look even better painted like a ninja turtle shell . But what wouldn’t? *eying coffee table* Okay, that one I might have f***ed up. These unique bags feature a folding hardshell design, EPDM foam lining and straps for keeping your tablet or laptop safe and secure, two interior compartments for keeping small items handy, a built-in document clip — so your papers don’t end up smashed at the bottom of the bag — and a flexible fit, which means your back will like it just as much as your eyes do. Yeah, I dunno how my spine is gonna feel about that hard back. What do you think, spine? “Scoliosis.” Ha — what about it? “You remember in middle school when you and all the other boys had to take your shirts off in the locker room so the gym teacher could make sure I wasn’t bent?” Yes… “And you remember how all the other boys started laughing?” Yes… “It was because of your tits.” WHAT?!?! You said it was because somebody farted! This…wow — you just set my therapy back like a decade. Hit the jump for several more shots including one with an ass gone horribly, horrible wrong.

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Suck It, Fabric!: A Molded Plastic Backpack

This is a tree knot that looks like a ninja turtle face . Somewhere in the woods right now Shredder is trying to set a pile of pine needles on fire with a magnifying glass and Smokey the Bear is all, “AAAAAAAH, WHAT’RE YOU DOING?!” Me? I’m regretting a lot of the decisions I made last night. Cowabunga! The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Tree [obviouswinner]

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Tree

Nice bib. Listen — I love Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as much as the next kid who used to swing a curtain rod around like a bo-staff (”Ahahahahahhaha — you used to play Donatello? WEAAAAAAK!”) with the hopes of winning April O’Neil’s jumpsuited heart, but WTF bro?! That just looks …like I wish I’d come up with it first. CURSE YOU, EARLY BIRD! I like worms too you know. Thanks to Keith, who was *this close* to having a turtle shell tattooed on his back before opting for dragon wings. You made the right choice.

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Krang Stomach Tattoo: For Constant Cosplay

This is an amazing looking series of digital paintings by artist Dave Rapoza of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle characters (sans the actual four turtles ). They’re amazing . David even has time-lapse videos on his website of him painting some of them, along with a bunch of other Ninja Turtle stuff if you’re interested. It’s definitely worth a look if you’re into turtle power. Me? I’m into ultimate power. *clamping alligator clips to Frodo’s hairy Hobbit tits* WHERE’S THE RING YOU THIEVING LITTLE LEPRECHAUN?! Hit the jump for (in this order): Metalhead, Bebop, Slash, Master Splinter, Casey Jones, Rocksteady, Baxter Stockman, April O’Neil, a Footclan member and Wingnut & Screwloose. Also, hit the link to his website for the in-progress videos and $40 18″x24″ prints available if you’re interested.

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Amazing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Fan Art

This is a video “sneak peek” of the new Nickelodeon TMNT cartoon . I put sneak peek in quotations because 1. it’s pretty shitty and 2. I didn’t want you to think it was a sneak pee , which is what I do in the alleyway between bars . Also, sometimes in my sleep which is actually more of an ultra-stealth pee than a sneaky one because I don”t even notice until I wake up. And then blame my girlfriend. You know I can’t have chocolate milk so late at night! Hit the jump for a twenty-seconds of meh.

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‘Sneak Peek’ Of New Ninja Turtles Cartoon

So apparently ? Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nickelodeon ? is rolling out a new TMNT cartoon next year and this is the first look of the re-imagined turtles. As you can see, they have some of the stupidest-looking anime eyes I’ve ever seen. And that’s saying a lot, because one time in middle school I cut my eye with the cover of a comic (I read dangerous as shit!) and had to wear an eyepatch that a friend convinced me to let him draw an anime eyeball on. Only thing is, I never actually bothered checking his handiwork and he opted for a ballsack instead . Talk about a terrible lookin’ eye! The kids on the playground would yell Captain Teabag and threw rocks at me! First Look: The New ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ on Nickelodeon [slashfilm] Thanks to Sam the Slammer and Dottie, who like to crawl around in the sewers at night and play ninja turtles. ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?! THAT’S DISGUSTING!

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First Peep At Nickelodeon’s New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Homos in a half shell? Alternatively, “get a sewer!” [insert manhole joke here] This is an animated gif of Leonardo and Raphael makin’ out all hot and heavy. Which, for the record, I called from the beginning provided you replace ‘ Raphael ‘ with ‘Donatello’. Lights Out of the Day [thedailywh.at] Thanks to Carly, who swears she saw Shredder grab a Foot Clan member’s ass during a yoga class.

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Oh - I’m Not The Only One That Likes Turtles!

This is a painting by artist Finch depicting Strawberry Shortcake riding a My Little Pony after killing all the Ninja Turtles . Frightening. And why is there a Rubik’s Cube stuck in Leonardo’s shoulder? Is that supposed to be some sort of social commentary? Something about puzzle toys being the Achilles’ Shoulder of modern society? I’M NOT GRASPING AT STRAWS YOU’RE GRASPING AT STRAWS. I want a bendy one. I drink your milkshake! I drink it up! Picture [slightlywarped] Thanks to Neill, who’s only solace is knowing the turtles are all attending that great pizza party in the sky.

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Strawberry Shortcake Riding A My Little Pony After Killing The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Hey, uh, has anybody seen Michelangelo ? … … SHREDDER ! Craigslist (post probably won’t last long) Thanks to cupcake ninja, who always suspected the Foot Clan was into Craigslisting.

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Sounds Legit To Me: Free Pizza On Craigslist