No, Jonah, it’s not that big and you and I both know it. NOTE: Video is NSFW on account of mad bad words. This is the 19-minute pilot for my buddy Jonah Ray’s video game-themed comedy show, ‘Jonah’s Ray’s Arcade’. It was pitched to Comedy Central, but, unfortunately, passed on. Which is a shame because there is sooooooooo much shitty shit on TV , but THIS — this I would have at least DVR’d. Hit the jump for the whole show.

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‘Jonah Ray’s Arcade’ Video Game Show Pilot

Seen here giving us his best ‘meet me behind the planetarium’, acclaimed astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson is set to host the sequel to Carl Sagan’s ‘ Cosmos ‘, entitled ‘Cosmos: A Space-Time Odyssey’. It will be a 13-part series airing on Fox during primetime in 2013 and produced by, who else, Seth MacFarlane. Wait, what?! The same guy producing the new ‘Flintstones’ reboot? WTFOX. According to the producers, the new series will tell “the story of how human beings began to comprehend the laws of nature and find our place in space and time. It will take viewers to other worlds and travel across the universe for a vision of the cosmos on the grandest scale. The most profound scientific concepts will be presented with stunning clarity, uniting skepticism and wonder, and weaving rigorous science with the emotional and spiritual into a transcendent experience.” Thankfully, the series is being co-produced by the National Geographic Channel, which will show an encore of each episode the day after they air on Fox and, hopefully, keep cartoon transitions and comedic voicework to a minimum. “But that would be awesome!” Would it be? “Now that I think about it, no.” So you responded before actually thinking about it? “I guess I–” GET THAT FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSE! Fox Orders 13-Episode Sequel To Carl Sagan’s ‘Cosmos’ Docu-Series With Seth MacFarlane Producing For 2013 Launch [deadline] Thanks to Travis, Iron Man and bb, who’re hoping Neil gets a cool spaceship cockpit mockup like Carl did in the original. Shit was dope!

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Updated ‘Cosmos’ Series w/ Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Produced By Seth MacFarlane

This is a video of TRON guy Jay Maynards (as in, *kick* OOOOH MAYNARDS!) “performing” on ‘America’s Got Talent’, a freakshow where three questionably talented judges gauge the talent of a bunch of weirdos. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! Unfortunately for the Matrix or whatever, TRON guy performs about as well as a computer loaded with shifty porn site viruses and doesn’t make the cut. Wow, who would’ve thought telling the story of how you became an internet celebrity (”OMG — have you seen the picture of that fat guy in the TRON leotard?!?!”) wouldn’t be deemed talent-worthy? SPOILER : TRON Guy. :/ Hit the jump for three full minutes of sadness.

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Pure Unadulterated Sadness: TRON Guy Does ‘America’s Got Talent’. IT. GOES. HORRIBLY.

SPOILER ALERT: Last six minutes of Smallville . Ever wanted to hear a guy go completely f***ing nuts watching the series finale of Smallville ? Even if you don’t know it yet, you do. This is the kind of shit I live for (plus nipples and beer). Dude’s like the double rainbow guy on triple the LSD WTF with an unhealthy mix of female hormone injections and boner pills on the side. I’m pretty sure he “completes”. It may be fake, it may be real, but it is definitely a reminder of just how little I feel inside. It’s true folks, I’m like a shell. A SHELL HOUSING ONE BADASS NINJA TURTLE. *karate kick!* Hit the jump for six minutes of damn bro, calm down before you hurt yourself!

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Damn Bro!: ‘Smallville’ Finale Freakout Video

Like this! Granted it’s not a new concept because I remember my freshman year of college (’99) my roommate and I used to play Counter-Strike on opposing clans and we’d each hang a bedsheet over the side of our loft so the other person couldn’t see you. Which, fun fact: also worked great for masturbating . For him anyways, I didn’t care if he watched me or not just as long as he let me have one of the sausage biscuits he kept in the mini-fridge afterward. “Uh, GW? That sounded a little too realistic not to be true.” I told you, I ONLY SPEAK THE TRUTH! But, from now on — only to strangers. Damn yeah I want some free candy, mister! Nice van BTW. Hit the jump for one more shot of a similar but different setup.

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How To: Prevent Cheating When Playing Multiplayer Games With Your Roommate

Listen: I used to call myself Captain Awesome (back when I had self esteem ) long before some character on Chuck did, and I have the Gmail account registered in 2004 to prove it. And I’m sure I wasn’t the first . But is that gonna stop me from suing everybody’s asses off? Yes. Plus I’m lazy. Anyway, Oregonian (that’s a person from Oregon FYI) Douglas Allen Smith, Jr. decided to legally change his name to Captain Awesome in honor of his favorite television character. Me? Lieutenant Columbo. The unemployed Eugene cabinet installer says he found it funny [Dr. Devon "Captain Awesome"] Woodcomb’s father gave him that nickname because a “poor nickname builds good character.” The former Mr. Smith says he faced a Lane County judge who questioned his seriousness. The judge that granted the request made him swear he wasn’t changing his name for fraudulent reasons. Awesome says that judge also allowed him to sign his name as a right arrow, a smiley face and a left arrow. He says his bank, however, has refused to accept the signature because it could be forged too easily. How is two arrows and a smiley face an appropriate signature for “Captain Awesome?” You’d think it would be a little doodle of a superhero or something. Admit it — ADMIT YOU DON’T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT BEING CAPTAIN AWESOME! *shaking head* Major Mediocre is more like it. UPDATE : Picture of Captain Awesome, who looks suspiciously like a skinny Kevin Federline wearing a Braves hat over a do-rag, and 100% the opposite of awesome, added after the jump (thanks to atheistgirl, who doesn’t even believe in awesome).

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Man Changes Name To Captain Awesome, Uses Arrows And Smiley Face As Signature

Note: Video is after the jump because something about Oprah sucking. For those of you who haven’t already seen, this is Zach. Zach has cerebral palsy and is bound to a wheelchair but is funnier and better attitude’d than every single person I know with fully-functional legs (plus those with peg-legs). He’s competing in Oprah’s ‘Your Own Show’ contest which grants the winner their own television show. Zach wants to do a travel one. Oh God please win. I’d push you to the end of the earth and back! Wheelchair-bound lady magnet Zach, discusses his many talents and idea for a TV show designed to inspire people who never thought they could travel. Join Zach as he globe-trots to some of the most notoriously inaccessible locations and embraces the spontaneous nature of world travel! No matter what the obstacle, he’ll face every bump in the road with a smile. Great job, Zach. I don’t really watch TV ( The Hills excluded), but I’d definitely tune in to check it out. The last travel show I watched was all about some chubby asshat traveling the globe eating the grossest things he could find. I’m talking bird brains and snake dicks. Yeah, so don’t do that. Hit it for Zach’s worthwhile 3-minute audition, and a link to the vote page.

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This Is Zach, He Better Win That Oprah Show

This is a series of LOST themed tarot cards designed by Alex Griendling . Now I’ve never had a tarot card reading before because I’m against black magic, but I did go to get my palm read once. You know what the lady had the nerve to tell me? Come back when you’ve shaved your palm. DON’T JUDGE ME, WITCH! Hit the jump for two close-ups and a link to Alex’s Flickr with all the individual cards.

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You’re All Gonna Die!: LOST Tarot Cards

Because the world would cease turning if everybody didn’t find a way to cash in on the Iron Man franchise , RTC23 (that’s a brand?!) is now selling Iron Man branded televisions . Tempting, but I’m holding out for a Batman model. Billed as the “Ultimate Comic Fan’s TV” each set features the super hero branded into the lower corners of the screen’s frame, and an image of the character will appear on screen for 8 seconds every time you turn it on. Yeah, apparently that’s a ‘feature.’ The TVs are available in 22?, 32?, 42? and 55? sizes while LED backlit versions are limited to 40? and 46?. As for pricing, the standard sets start at $338.88 for the 22? model, while the 55? model is $1,988.88. And the 40? LED model is $1,698.88, or $1,988.00 for the 46?. Alternatively, spraypaint your existing television red and slap some Iron Man stickers on that bitch. Or don’t, I don’t care about your stupid television. But I do care about your smart-ass Blu-ray player. You know that that little hole in the disc tray? We’ve had relations. RTC23 Marvel Branded LCD HDTVs [ohgizmo]

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Yes, Of Course: Iron Man Branded Televisions

That Sheldon, so funny with his science-y jibber jabber and social awkwardness . Except in this clip, since you don’t know when to chuckle because there isn’t a laugh track. You can compare the clip to the laugh tracked version (after the jump) and appreciate just what having every joke punctuated with laughter does for a comedy show *AHHAHAHAHAHAHA!* but not a blog. Hit the jump for the laughier version.

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Big Bang Theory Without The Laugh Track