This is a series of oldschool video game favorites re-imagined with Criterion Collection box art and make-believe details. I posted all the box art after the jump, but you can follow the link to read what “extras” would be included with each game in the fake collection because somebody fleshed this shit out waaaaaaaaay too f***ing far. Hit the jump for eleven others, including some Chrono Trigger, Super Mario Kart, Sim City, Super Metroid and Starfox.

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I Approve Of This: Classic Video Games Reimagined With Criterion Collection Box Art

Suck it, Flowbee! Get it? Cause that shit requires a vacuum! This is an automatic head- shaving helmet invented by some guy named Boris, who doesn’t run around with Nastasha but will swerve to hit a squirrel when driving (you’re sick!). Somehow, this helmet uses four razors and a shaving cream irrigation system of sorts to shave a head bald in just 20 seconds — without nightmarish results. As the thoroughly bald man explains and later demonstrates on a slightly less bald man, this seemingly lethal device is actually pretty efficient. Right, but what happens when you strap it on, hit ‘GO’, and then your roommate starts beating you in the head with a broomstick? YOU GET F***ING SCALPED, THAT’S WHAT! And not like nosebleed football tickets either, I’m talking like your skull showing. Just sayin’, Ghost Rider don’t take kindly to peeps coppin’ his style. Hit the jump for a video of the (admittedly impressive) system in action.

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My Dome!: Automatic Head-Shaving Helmet

I hate needles . Needles and robots can both go jump into a volcano as far as I’m concerned. Preferably one that leads straight to hell. But NOT a beach, because I stepped on a needle at the beach once and — joking, that was a jellyfish . Still hurt though. Not as bad as the time I had to pry my arm out of the jaws of a shark , but I did run into a burning house to save like eight-hundred kittens once. F***ing animal hoarders . Want to know how to make a LEGO syringe? You’re in luck, because LEGO-builder Sean Michael Ragan has already done all the heavy lifting. But not leg-lifting, because he isn’t territorial. Me? Already marked every wall in the new apartment. Hit the jump for blue and radioactive versions, along with the build diagram and a link to Sean’s website (with piece list) and Etsy store (where he sells kits for $20).

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NEEDLE TO THE VEIN!: A LEGO Syringe

This is a sessy video of a pole dancing ninja that, for at least part of her routine, performs with her sword out. An actual sword FYI, that wasn’t a euphemism for a man-hammer. Or was it? It wasn’t so just go watch the video. Pole dancing ninjas : they’re not as uncommon as you’d expect. Just sayin’, strippers have stolen my wallet more times than I’d like to admit. FINE, ELEVEN TIMES, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! I need one of those wallet chains but I don’t want people to think I’m a Juggalo. Hit the jump for the *slash* OH GOD PLEASE TELL ME THAT PART OF THE ACT.

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Pole Dancing Ninja Performs With A Sword

Want a wedding band created using the same ‘mokume gane’ technique as authentic samurai swords ? You’re in luck! But also out of luck because you’re getting married . There’s only one way out of this: I’m gonna have to cut your ring finger off. Ready? HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YA! *you bleeding* Perfect, looks like I got it right above the knuckle. Now let’s do the left hand. Mokume gane is…a metal working technique developed in Japan approximately three to four hundred years ago, in which two or more layers of metal are permanently joined together in alternating layers to form a stack (or billet). In the traditional Japanese technique the bond was achieved by diffusion welding of the layers in a charcoal forge. On this laminated billet patterns of the different colored alloys were created by a combination of cutting, twisting, and forging of the laminate in ways to expose the various layers. The patterned billet was then formed into finished work by applying standard forging and fabrication techniques. No word on price, but you know what they say, “If you have to ask, you’re obviously poor and security’s watching on CCTV to make sure you don’t steal anything.” Quick, pocket some throwing stars and run! James Binnion Metal Works Product Site via I’d Like My Ring Samurai Style [gizmodo] Thanks to Jake, who agrees the ring is definitely less mighty than the sword (the One Ring excluded of course).

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Just As Deadly: Samurai Sword Wedding Ring

I’m gonna stab a Bear ! Get it? Cause dude’s nickname is Bear. From now on I’m going by Dragonlord aside, this is the official Bear Grylls Survival Series Ultimate Knife by Gerber ($60). I want one. Because, let’s face it, there are two kinds of guys in this world: Sissy-boys, and the manly-ass kind that’ll drink the shit-juice they just squeezed out of an elephant turd . I strive to be the latter, which is why I’ve started sifting the cat’s litterbox for moist ones. Oh — think I found a winner! *crunch* False alarm. Amazon Product Site (shipping November 1st) via Bear Grylls Survival Knife [gizmdoo] Thanks to Ashley, who puked when she saw the hairball in my mouth.

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Do Want: Official Bear Grylls Survival Knife

This is an artist’s rendition (INVENT A TIME MACHINE ALREADY, GOD! ) of Leviathan melvillei , a 12-million year old sperm whale that used to snack on other whales thanks to it’s powerful jaws and foot-long teeth . ZOMG — imagine the damage you could do at In-N-Out with those things! “This is a pretty exciting discovery,” says Erich Fitzgerald, a vertebrate paleontologist at Museum Victoria in Melbourne, Australia. Leviathan represents “one thing we don’t have in the oceans today — a macropredator, a hypercarnivorous whale.” Modern sperm whales feed largely on invertebrates such as giant squid, but have been known to feed on fish and other creatures as well. The extremely robust, deeply-rooted structure of Leviathan’s teeth strongly suggests that the creature fed on large, presumably struggling bony prey like sharks do. The whale was named in honor of Herman Melville, the author of Moby-Dick , which, no lie, was actually based on ancient tales (I’m like thousands of years old) of my white whale. So technically it should be called Leviathan gwmegapeen , but I’ll let it slide. JUST THIS ONCE. Ancient Whale + Killer Shark = Hypercarnivorous Whale [wired] Thanks to Mr Geek, Christian, Matty, Grace, Jennaiii, Divo, and Sam K, who would have trained the whales to be ridden and looted Atlantis.

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Suck It, Kraken!: Giant Whale Eating Whale

This is somebody’s false fingernails that photobucket user nailchick27 painted with a Super Mario Bros. 3 theme. As you can see, they’re good looking . I can’t say for certain I’d date a girl with nails like that (because I wouldn’t), but I would let her give me a back scratch. Harder. Go on, harder. HARDER. DO IT TILL YOU SEE RIBS! Now smoke a rack, I’m getting hungry. Hit the jump for one more shot of the whole set.

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Scratch Meeeeee!: Super Mario Fingernails

I’m not sure if you enjoyed the last episode of Isao Machii: Modern Samurai as much as I did, but if you didn’t, you should watch it again until you do. Then we can start a book club . But instead of books we’ll discuss Youtube videos and drink beer . Plus, if you’re a chick, we could make out. Hell, even if you’re not but willing to wear a Dilophosaurus costume. Anyway, I’m sure you’ve just been chilling till the next episode, but chill no longer, because here she blows. The highlights: 0:45 : Isao cuts the wick off a burning candle. The GW begins practicing for his next birthday party. 2:30 : Isao cuts the skin off a piece of asparagus. My pee smells funny after I eat asparagus. 4:40 : Isao slices the tail off an arrow that’s been shot at him. I reconsider bringing a bow and arrow to a samurai sword fight. 8:30 : Isao cuts a steel plate in half without bending or warping the piece at all. I consider hiring Isao for future construction jobs. Well folks, there you have it, the latest from a modern Samurai. And now, the latest from a modern Don Juan: Last night : Woman at the bar rejected all my advances, despite my insistence I could make her internet famous. Went home alone and treated myself to a stranger in the bathtub. Too romantic? Youtube Thanks to Tom and Jason, who can cut through steel with just a glance and have to wear those special shades Cyclops wears. Just kidding, they’re fake Oakleys.

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Modern Samurai Returns With More HI-YA