Your trunk and license plate: they’re doing it wrong. This is a video of some guy crashing his kit-car Cobra at 130MPH on a racetrack . He survived with only minor injuries to a knee and some bruised ribs. Pluuuuuus… “Plus what?” Admit it! “Admit what?” Admit you shit your pants too! “I didn’t though!” *BRAAAAAAAAP, squirt* Oh shi-shi. “What the f***?!” See bro? Everybody does it — now just admit it. Hit the jump for the please keep your arms in the vehicle at all times.

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130-MPH Race Car Crash From The Inside

This is a small series of superheroine public service announcements reminding you ladies to regularly check your breasts for breast cancer. And I couldn’t agree more. Boobs are one of nature’s most precious gifts, and it brings a tear to my eye even thinking about losing a single tit to cancer. You gotta check those mammaries, ladies. *waiting* I meant now — DO IT NOW! *air-motorboating* Hit the jump for three others but follow the link for full-res versions.

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Protect Your Breasts: Superhero Breast Check PSAs

These are a bunch of brand slogans that, when presented on condom wrappers (not unlike the ones I find all over the sidewalk when I’m walking the dogs) suddenly become double entendres . Magical, I know. Inevitable follow-ups: Pork. The Other White Meat. — National Pork Board You’re in good hands with Allstate (but why am I wearing a condom?). — Allstate Taking Care of Business. — Office Depot When it absolutely, positively, has to be there overnight (even though you wish you could ask them to leave). — Fed Ex So easy a caveman can do it. (God, and they do too — probably more than anyone else EXCEPT THEY NEVER WRAP IT UP) — GEICO I’m lovin’ it. — McDonald’s M’m! M’m! Good! — Campbell’s Soup It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken. — Perdue Farms It takes a licking and keeps on ticking. — Timex Home of the Whopper. — Burger King Connecting People. — Nokia Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. — Almond Joy/Mounds Give me a break, give me a break; break me off a piece of that penis — Kit Kat I’m just gonna stop there — nothing else I’ll think of is gonna top those last two. Besides, even doing that made me feel kinda dirty — like one of those people that repeatedly posts #Movietitlesthatsoundlikepornos or #terriblenamesforyourpenis for hours on end on Twitter. YOU SOUND LIKE YOU GOT NO DAMN LIFE, BRO — go crash a BBQ or something, shit! New Condoms Tumblr via Safe Sex Done Your Way: Wrap Your Dong in BK, XBOX, or KFC Condom? [obviouswinner] (also, “wrap your dong” FTW)

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Oh, Real Mature!: Branded Condom Slogans

Something’s not right. This is a video of an SUV towing what appears to be a BMW with parking cone orange rims when shit goes south . I’m not sure if something caused the craziness, or if the driver just overcompensated for a little swervature (which is a word now), but things go downhill fast. Think “riding down carpeted stairs on a couch cushion”, but replace the couch cushion with a greased cookie sheet. It’s like that. One time I slammed into the front door so hard I black out until my parents came home. From vacation. They say I might have brain damage. Hit the jump for the ‘I’m sure that’ll buff right out’.

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Dammit, You’re Doing Towing It Wrong!

I’ve never owned a Razor scooter . I tried a friend’s once but I fell off a curb and scraped my knees really bad. There was blood. Also: townspeople laughing. Now I live all alone in a bell tower , ashamed. I did make a zip-line though so that’s pretty coo. Razor scooters with integrated chalk ($60) and spark-bars ($180, electric): Their Graffiti scooter has a patented ‘chalk scribbler’ on the back which lets the rider lay down a set of parallel chalk lines while rolling down the street. But it’s their eSpark scooter that has me really concerned. Instead of pieces of chalk hanging off the back it’s got a ’spark bar’ letting riders leave behind a trail of incendiary sparks…on a single 8-hour charge it can run for about 40 minutes with a top speed of up to 10mph Eh, the chalk one is pretty worthless considering you couldn’t even write ‘PENIS’ if you tried. Or anything really besides lines. Admittedly, I could use the eSpark for my stunt spectacular provided it can ignite gasoline-soaked concrete and the noise doesn’t spook the tigers. Razor Scooters Now All About Vandalism And Starting Forest Fires [ohgizmo] Thanks to Charles, who has a skateboard that shoots flames. *looking* Yeaaaaaah, that’s not a skateboard that’s a jetpack.

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Razor Scooters: Now With Graffiti And Fire

This is a homemade pulse laser gun built by Patrick Priebe. The thing packs a 1-kW burst that can burn through plastic, foam and thin metals. Plus explode eyeballs . Just kidding, I don’t actually know that for a fact, I’m just assuming. Although I do encourage Patrick to make a trip to his local butcher to find out. And I’m not just saying that because I want him to pick up some pork chops for dinner tonight, because I don’t. I told you, I’m vegetarian. Or am I? Yes, I am. The bacon is a lie . Awh shit — Portal 2 spoiler! Hit the jump for a worthwhile video of the pews in action.

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Don’t You Point That Thing At Me!: DIY Pulse Laser Can Burn Through Plastic, Metal

Why so serious, Luke? Geekologie Reader Dave made these paper snowflakes (Boba Fett & clone trooper version after the jump) with his children to use as Christmas decorations . You can make some yourself if you’d like — you don’t even need kids! But you will need scissors , so don’t run with them. Kidding — I say live a little! Hit the jump for the Boba/clone trooper flake.

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Arts & Crafts: DIY Paper Star Wars Snowflakes

Great, now I want a Code Red. F***ing love that stuff . I’ll even finish a bottle that’s been rolling around in the backseat of my burning-hot car for fours days. You think I’m above that? I’m not above anything. This is the NSFW Workplace Safety Advisory System, it works just like the color-coded Homeland Security Advisory System. I don’t know about you, but I could die happily never seeing a threat over yellow. You? I can tell you’re a deviant. “LET’S CRANK THAT SHIT UP TO PURPLISH-BLACK AND DO THIS!” NSFW Workplace Safety Advisory System [buzzfeed]

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CODE RED!: The NSFW Safety Advisory Chart

Readers, I though I’d take a second out of my busy schedule laying in bed to wish you all a happy and safe fourth of July. So get out there and grill something or whatever the hell people do to celebrate. And before you goobers begin the America trolling, remember: some countries don’t even have fireworks. Have a great fourth everybody and I’ll be back tomorrow. Possibly from the hospital! Be safe (you only get 10 fingers), The Geekologie Writer

Originally posted here:
Yay, Independence: Happy Fourth Of July!

Note: Video is after the jump because I don’t want you kids getting any ideas (yes, yes I do too — you should try it with the tailgate down ). This is a video of somebody’s grandpa passed out in a La-Z-Boy in the back of a speeding truck. Actually, he might be dead. But if not, he will be soon! And you know what that means: more Jello for us. Hit the jump for the video.

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What, No Safety Belt?: Grandpa Passed Out In La-Z-Boy In Back Of A Speeding Truck