Who wants a body massage? Do you own a ShoulderFlex robotic neck massager ? Awesome, then keep using it BECAUSE IT WILL KILL YOU. The Food and Drug Administration issued an alert Friday saying one death and one near-strangulation have been reported, AP reports. The latter incident occurred after a necklace and piece of clothing became caught in a rotating component of the therapeutic massager. “The FDA is concerned that the ShoulderFlex Massager presents serious health risks,” the warning stated, reports AP. The agency urges people who own the device to “dispose of the device components separately so that the massager cannot be reassembled and used.” AHAHAHAHHAHAHA @ “dispose of the device components separately so that the massager cannot be reassembled and used.” Because people WILL go through your trash and they WILL reassemble a broken neck massager. Remember folks: at least three different trash bags. Massage By ShoulderFlex Massager Could Be Fatal, FDA Warns [thirdage] Thanks to Olivia, the White Queen, who has a diamond massager because she’s fancy and a queen.

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Robotic Neck Massager THAT WILL KILL YOU

Because what could be safer than a base full of autonomous robots doing whatever the f*** they want, whenever the f*** they want, the Army is considering building them one. And me? Well, I’m considering strapping myself to a homemade rocket and blowing up on the launchpad. GW the human firework, everybody! The purpose would be to pile up as many operating hours as possible and resolve the “trust and confidence” issues that have prevented such systems from proliferating on battlefields, Bob Quinn, vice president of unmanned systems at QinetiQ North America said at the Association for Unmanned Vehicle Systems International conference in Washington, D.C. Currently, most battlefield ground robots are tele-operated, meaning they require someone to control the system from a stand-off distance. This method is labor intensive. Researchers have been developing software that would allow the machines to operate more freely, and take the workload off of troops. [Major General Walter R.] Davis said part of the cultural acceptance for robots will be the acknowledgment that accidents are going to happen. There could be injuries, or worse. How many such incidents can decision-makers tolerate? “They will fail to properly function at some point,” Davis said. Did you hear that? It said people will die . Well, it didn’t just come right out and say that, but that’s what it meant. The government’s like that, you know. Saying one thing but actually meaning another. That is like, the number one thing governments do. Trust me, I was a political science major. “Seriously?” No, but I did fail a paleontology course for stealing bones. A Base to Call Their Own? Army Considers Letting Robots Roam Freely [nationaldefensemagazine] Thanks to Ksurfiws, who pointed out if we give them a base it might prevent them from taking one later. That…is bad logic. ” ZIP ZAP, ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US .” See?

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That’s…A Really Terrible Idea: Army Considers Building Autonomous Robots Own Base

This is a Wiimote -controlled fire-breathing robot pony being put through its paces (turning head, breathing fire) at the recent Detroit Maker’s Faire by its two mohawk’d creators. The pink one clearly stealing the other’s thunder aside, there is absolutely no reason why anybody should ever make a Wii-mote controlled fire-breathing robot pony (link is to a unicorn — MY BAD). As a matter of fact, even thinking about making one should be punishable by law. AND brainwashing. *toothpicking eyelids open* Now hold still, this won’t hurt a bit. *blasting with pepper spray* Haha, I’m not really sure how the whole brainwashing thing works so I’m improvising. Now, repeat after me: robots are the enemy. “MY EEEEEEEEEEEYES!!” That is not what I said. *shaking can* Hit the jump for the short video of the ‘would not ride into battle’.

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Every Girl’s Dream: Fire-Breathing Robot Pony

Seen here wondering why a Hermione Granger Weeble-Wobble just stole their souls, a group of South Korean students are exposed to an experimental robot aimed at teaching them English . Or — OR — is it aimed at their eyeballs with a laser blaster? Engkey, a white, egg-shaped robot developed by the Korea Institute of Science of Technology (KIST), began taking classes Monday at 21 elementary schools in the southeastern city of Daegu. The robots, which display an avatar face of a Caucasian woman, are controlled remotely by teachers of English in the Philippines — who can see and hear the children via a remote control system. Cameras detect the Filipino teachers’ facial expressions and instantly reflect them on the avatar’s face, said Sagong Seong-Dae, a senior scientist at KIST. “Well-educated, experienced Filipino teachers are far cheaper than their counterparts elsewhere, including South Korea,” he told AFP. So let me get this straight — Filipino teachers are teaching English to South Korean students via robot. That…sounds complicated. Not unlike the assembly instructions for my new office chair, which is why I’m sitting on a stack of phonebooks. And they said they were obsolete! S.Korea schools get robot English teachers [yahoonews] Thanks to Jessica, asdf, Curtis and SaraDevil, who would rather remain uneducated than listen to a robot. I’m with you guys — my ignorance is bliss!

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I’d Rather Not Learn: Korean Robot Teachers

Seen here practicing its pews , an unmanned robotic death & destruction copter went rogue while flying around Washington DC . I suspect it was coming to my old apartment. Thank God I never forwarded my mail! A software error, combined with an unfortunate user action, led to a US military robot helicopter - developed from a manned version and capable of carrying a fearsome arsenal of weapons - straying into restricted airspace near Washington DC, according to reports. Losses of communications between unmanned aircraft and ground operators are a routine event, but seldom have serious consequences. Robot planes and choppers lacking instructions from their human masters will normally circle where they are when comms go down, and control is almost always restored shortly thereafter… The difference here is that the MQ-8 failed to follow its built-in failure protocol, instead continuing on course. Unmanned aircraft are generally restricted to operations in special military-controlled airspace and are forbidden to enter areas governed by normal civil rules. Did you read that? It failed to follow its built-in failure protocol. Try to explain that, robot-apocalypse naysayers! It’s coming. And when it does, oh boy, when it does . I’m gonna shit bricks! Hopefully gold ones . ROBOT KILL-CHOPPER GOES ROGUE above Washington DC! [theregister] (who may or may not have learned they know about headline writing from yours truly) Thanks to Tracy, spotisfocus, Mikey D., alan, Tareek, Chris, Mesnard, Matt and APOCALYPSE PAUL, who would have shot that beast out of the sky and made a laptop out of its guts. You, uh, sure that’s safe?

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DEFCON 1! — We Have A Situation!: Robotic Death-Chopper Goes Rogue Over DC

This is Monster Chess, a 12′ x 12′ (that’s feet, not inches) robotic LEGO chess game made with over 100,000 blocks for a total build cost of ~$30K (that’s thousands, not kelvin). The pieces are all controlled via laptop and I wouldn’t hesitate to body-slam a rook if it got out of line. Same goes for the knights . But not the king — he reminds me of Stephen Hawking. Hit the jump for a long-ass video of the game being played.

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Wow: $30,000 Robotic LEGO Chess Game

How would you like to wake up to this guy staring at you? You wouldn’t, would you? Okay, how about the guy with the phone? I give him a maybe. Anyway, some scientists (the smart ones) fear that robot intelligence is going too far and we must do something to stop them before they stop (read: kill ) us. Impressed and alarmed by advances in artificial intelligence, a group of computer scientists is debating whether there should be limits on research that might lead to loss of human control over computer-based systems that carry a growing share of society’s workload, from waging war to chatting with customers on the phone. [They] generally discounted the possibility of highly centralized superintelligences and the idea that intelligence might spring spontaneously from the Internet. But they agreed that robots that can kill autonomously are either already here or will be soon . That’s right, AUTONOMOUS KILLER ROBOTS. You remember Twiki from Buck Rogers? He was one. Bidi-bidi-bidi! Thanks to joe, Red, Daniel, Carmen, jabberw0ck, Rogue Cheddar, Retroprofile, Sarah, Princess Padme’s Masturbation Fantasy and Patrick, who all help me fight the good fight. Fight first, pizza party second.

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Scientists Fear Robots Are Getting Too Smart

Well folks, it looks like we’re starting Friday off entirely wrong with only stories from the robot front . I recommend running out for beer now so you can stay safely tucked away in your robot-shelter all weekend building a powerful burning laser blaster. I’m not even kidding. Anyway, this is the Dustbot from Italy — it comes to haul your refuse away. AND YOUR CHILDREN. MWUAHAHAHHAHAHA! What the hell’s wrong with me? The Dustbot can be summoned to your address through a mobile phone any time of the day. The robot works with a combination of GPS navigation and with a gyroscope to keep it upright. There are also a number of sensors on the machine so it does not bump into anything. Dustbot’s inventors say they hope it will put an end to fixed times for rubbish collection and they say it is designed to work in tightly packed urban areas where large refuse trucks find it difficult to operate. Anybody here live in Italy? Great, now I know this might sound crazy, but I want you to hear me out. I want you to call the Dustbot to your house. Still with me? Take a deep breath, you can change your drawls later. Now listen: when the Dustbot arrives I want you to pack that bitch full of explosives and kick it off a cliff into the ocean after chumming the water real good to attract sharks. TA-DA! — two birds stoned at once. Dustbot the street cleaning robot [bbcnews] Thanks to Dave Fancypants, who has Bedazzled the hell out of every pair of jeans he owns.

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On Call: Dustbot Comes To Collect Garbage

Wow, they’re not even trying to make them look cute anymore. The Japanese born ROBOTOPS is a construction robot whose name is spelled in all caps because IT MEANS BUSINESS. The killing business. The four-legged, two-armed robot is actually a kind of automated mobile crane with 29 functioning joints for picking off humans, and of course the occasional piece of construction material. Using a high quality three-chip CCD camera, the robot can be operated remotely for particularly dangerous jobs. And no, I didn’t alter that quote at all. Finally, people are starting to get the picture. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one that sees a problem here. Seriously, Japan — you know I love you (manga, sushi, worn panty vending machines), but this shit has got to stop. Because if not, well, Godzilla . Just sayin’, we share a special bond (read: intercourse). Japanese construction firm unleashes insectoid robot crane on humanity [dvice] Thanks to cougar78, Aaron and John, who know the only good robots are the little guys from Batteries Not Included . Am I right? No, that was a test and you all failed.

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No, No, No: Japanese Killer Construction Bot

The army is testing out a new robotic-helicopter mounted sniper rifle for urban warfare because, well, CONSPIRACY! Are you ready for this? Our government is….are you sitting down? Our government is….ROBOTS! AAAAAHH! Did you hear that? I thought I heard something. It’s called the Autonomous Rotorcraft Sniper System. It mounts a powerful rifle onto highly stabilized turret, and fixes the package on board a Vigilante unmanned helicopter. The system is intended for the urban battlefield — an eye in the sky that can stare down concrete canyons, and blink out targets with extreme precision. Attempting to return fire against the ARSS is liable to be a near-suicidal act: ARSS is described as being able to fire seven to 10 aimed shots per minute, and it’s unlikely to miss. Thankfully, the system is not autonomous (yet) and relies on a ground-based pilot with AN XBOX 360-LIKE CONTROLLER to maneuver and fire. Haha, and everyone said all those hours headshotting prepubscent boys in Halo wouldn’t get you anywhere! *sniff* I’m just so proud, you little army of one, you! Army Tests Flying Robo-Sniper [wired] Thanks to Bo, Lethak, WunderKraut, jk and Todd, who, BOOM, headshot!

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Robotic Heli-Sniper Is Sadly No ROFLCopter