Because real baby actors are annoying to work with (moody, whining, will shit on set), an anonymous soap opera (please don’t say Days of our Lives ) recently had this animatronic robot baby commissioned for use in a scene. Hopefully the one where the couple finds out their baby is a robot and shoots it into the sun. “Like Superman?” No, his parents missed. Hit the jump for the last thing I’d ever want coming out of my vagina.

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Creepy Animatronic Baby Made For Soap Opera

Sure it may LOOK like a giant blue dildo with legs, but looks can be deceiving. Except in this case, because that’s a walking shlong if I’ve ever seen one (and I have — lots ). The inflatable Ant-Roach robot was designed to carry passengers on the ride of a miserable lifetime, all the while with the sound of a loud-as-f*** air-compressor running in the background. Wow, did we all fall asleep and wake up in the future or what?! Hit the jump for a video of the blow-up bot in action.

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Absolutely Not: The Inflatable Ant-Roach Robot

Seen here about to choke some poor f*** out, Jusui-Kun is a robotic bear pillow that paws at a person’s face if they’re snoring, encouraging them to roll over and stop cutting the z’s or whatever. TOO BAD I DON’T SNORE. God, make something for busting ass in your sleep. Okay, it’s more of a “gentle tickling,” according to the bear’s creators. The key is to get the snorer sleeping on the pillow to move his or her head from side to side. Jusui-Kun has a built-in mic to detect the sleeper’s snoring, while an equally cuddly hand monitor detects blood oxygen levels, letting the bear know when to issue one of its loving face swipes. Oh man, can you even imagine explaining this thing to your girlfriend when she comes over AND YOU’RE IN BED WITH SOME ROBOTIC BEAR TICKLING YOUR NUTS? “…Why would it be tickling my nuts?” Why wouldn’t it be — because you wanted to know what it felt like! Hit the jump for a short video of Chokey the Bear in action.

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Robotic Bear Pillow Claws At Face To Prevent Snoring

Seen here preventing an invisible giant’s balls from touching the floor, Honda’s ASIMO robot has undergone a series of upgrades, making him lighter, faster, and more autonomous (not to mention less likely to fall up and down stairs). Wonderful news in the middle of a site upgrade, really . LORD JUST TAKE ME NOW. Honda’s robot isn’t just smarter, it’s lighter, and as a result, faster too. Honda put Asimo on Jenny Craig and it’s now 13.2 pounds lighter and can move at 5.59 miles per hour as opposed to the 3.73 miles per hour it was getting before. The Wall Street Journal had this to say about the new Asimo: “Honda brags Asimo is capable of “responding to the movement of people and the surrounding situations…Asimo is now capable of predicting the direction a person will walk within the next few seconds based on information from pre-set space sensors and quickly determine to take an alternate path to avoid a collision with the person if the estimated locations of the person and the Asimo intersect.” There’s a video of ASIMO running around and hopping on one foot after the jump, which looks suspiciously like a child wearing a robot costume. God, we can only hope. Actually, that’s not true — we could pray too . “AND ask Santa.” What the — and risk not getting a hoverboard? You’re out of your f***ing mind! Hit the jump for a video of the are you faster than 5.59MPH?

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New And Improved ASIMO Robot Can Run, Jump

This is a life-size WALL-E model made entirely out of scrap metal . If we were in a fight, I would definitely be going for that Adam’s apple. Oooooooor in the opposite direction as fast as I can (I’m a sissy-boy). SCRAP-E here is for sale if you’re interested (I know you’re not — it’s cool) for $2,800. No word if he’s dumb enough to fall in love with the trashcan I drew googly eyes on, but you better believe I plan on dangling it over a volcano with fishing line to try to lure him in. THE ONE RING MUST BE DESTROYED. Hit the jump for a head-on shot that may or may yes have the ability to steal your soul.

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Way Too Meta For Me: A Scrap Metal WALL-E

Remember Evolta , the miniscule robotic mascot for Panasonic’s line of Evolta batteries ? Of course you do, you have a memory like an elephant. Body too. “What was that?!” Sorry I must’ve farted. Well now Evolta is going to attempt an Ironman triathlon in Hawaii early next month featuring a 2.4-mile swim, 112-mile bike ride and 26.2 run. He will be allowed one week to complete the course, despite humans only getting 17-hours (with last year’s winner taking only 8:10:37 with splits of 51:36 swim, 4:31:51 bike and 2:43:31 marathon — do the math, it’s f***ing nuts). From my understanding, Evolta will only be allowed to function on a single set of three rechargeable batteries, so my money’s on being eaten by a shark during the swimming portion. Hit the jump for a short but cute (I said it!) video of Evolta in his three different forms.

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Teensy Robot To Attempt (140-Mile) Triathlon

Seen here ready to punch a hole through a viewing portal and kill everyone on board, Robonaut 2 ( I killed the first one ) poses for the camera. Robonaut just woke from from his slumber aboard the International Space Station , and is ready to get to work picking off its crew members one by one. I’m serious, I just saw him slip something into the space ice cream! Don’t worry — I’ll dispose of it all in my cabin. Ground controllers turned Robonaut 2 on Monday for the first time since it was delivered to the International Space Station in February. The test involved sending power to all of Robonaut’s systems. The robot was not commanded to move; that will happen next week. “Those electrons feel GOOD! One small step for man, one giant leap for tinman kind,” Robonaut posted in a Twitter update. The four visible light cameras that serve as Robonaut’s eyes turned on in the gold-colored head, as did the infrared camera, located in the robot’s mouth and needed for depth perception. One of Robonaut’s tweets showed the view inside the American lab, Destiny. “Sure wish I could move my head and look around,” Robonaut said in the tweet. Oh you’d like that, wouldn’t you, Robonaut?! WELL TOO BAD! *hacks NASA, reprograms Astrobot to self destruct* So like, can I get one of those cool NASA mission patches for saving the lives of everyone on board? “Stay put, the authorities should be arriving shortly.” OMG — am I gonna be in a parade?!?! Robot astronaut wakes up in space [cbcnews] Thanks to SmellzLikeSheez (I’m sorry, it was the breakfast burrito) and Matt G, who agree the only good robot in space is one set on a course directly at the sun.

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Robotic Astronaut Awakens Aboard Int’l Space Station, Loss Of Contact With ISS Imminent

ZOMG. Apparently police officers in Tennessee, having trapped an armed fugitive in his mobile home after a high-speed chase, were reluctant to enter the domicile themselves, and instead opted to use a gas-grenade launching robot to smoke the perp out. Only thing is, it set the whole damn double-wide on fire and dude escaped out the back . DU-DU-DU-D’OH! Will Chambliss swears a police robot burned his neighbor’s Ellis Road home to the ground weeks ago by blasting what looked like a javelin of flames into the living room … One bolt of fire dove at a spot several feet straight past the doorway, he said. Another ricocheted right, toward a corner of the room hidden from the view of his binoculars. The local police incident report suggests that this was a “Flameless Tri-Chamber” unit suitable for use indoors (the triple chambers in this design keep the hot parts of the grenade confined while letting gas escape). However the Herald Courier, based on casings found at the scene, speculates that the robot may instead have launched a Triple Chaser unit designed to blow apart into three widely scattered gas-emitter subcanisters on initiation so as to achieve faster gas coverage over a wider area outdoors. The Triple Chaser’s manufacturer states that it should not be used indoors “due to its fire-producing capability”. Pfft, you can’t really blame the police for using an outdoor grenade inside. Who the hell reads safety warning labels anyways? *jamming fork into toaster to loosen bagel* You know, last time I did this it felt like I gained superpowers. “A little tingling, then pissing yourself and collapsing onto the stove?” OMG — YOU HAVE THEM TOO?!?! Police ROBOT attacks and BURNS DOWN HOUSE [theregister] Thanks to chainbear, a different Scott than from the last tip and Martin, who all fight fire with fire. Not gonna lie, guys, I’d opt for water or a fire extinguisher first.

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Heavily Armed Police Robot Leaves Tennessee Mobile Home "A Smoking Ruin After Firing Advanced Triple-Warhead Gas Grenades"

This is a Throwbot. Throwbots can be thrown (just like the name implies!!!!!11) or shot out of a cannon, then roll around recording video so you finally put to rest how your roommate keeps his privates trimmed (I’m on to you!). This particular model features magnetic wheels and can roll up flat metal surfaces for boarding pirate ships . Personally, I like to swing over on a rope with a cutlass between my teeth, but I also kick it oldschool. “Is that why you’re wearing an eyepatch?” No, I’m wearing an eyepatch because I had a little altercation with a pair of scissors. You know how they say you shouldn’t run with them? Well you shouldn’t trip down the stairs with them either. Where were you on that one, kindergarten?! Hit the jump for a video of the roly-poly in action.

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Throwbot Surveillance Robots Can Be Thrown, Climb Walls, Film You While You Sleep

Hit him in the eyes! This is the Rollin’ Justin. He can catch two balls thrown near him at the same time. Say hi to all the readers, Justin. “beep boop bzzt DESTROY.” Oh shit! …the robot is able to position itself within two centimeters of where it needs to be in a time window of only five milliseconds, which yields an impressive catch rate of better than 80 percent. Admittedly, that’s a pretty impressive catch rate. I’m probably more around 50%. Less than 10% with just my right hand. *dirty look* You’re not even good at the mouse buttons! A video of catchbot catching after the jump (with bonus making coffee footage!!!!11)

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Run For The Hills: A Ball-Catching Robot