$9 Soylent Green crackers : not made with people , but with a made with people pricetag. That’s a little questionable. But they are packed with spinach and “high energy plankton”, so you can at least get your Popeye on knowing you’re doing The Krusty Krab a service. Soylent Green Crackers are the food stuff the world has been waiting for. A pleasing green cracker is low in fat and full of spinach, high energy plankton, and a special blend of herbs and people. Wait, what? Did we say people? DID WE SAY PEOPLE? OH SNAP - SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!! Ok, it’s not really people. But Soylent Green Crackers are delicious and a great conversation piece . Listen: if you’re down to buying novelty crackers as a conversation piece, your ass needs to find some shit to talk about pronto BECAUSE THAT IS JUST F***ING SAD. Hey guys — did you see my Soylent Green crackers on the table? They’re people! LOLOL. What else, what else? So, how about that weather tod– leaving so soon? ThinkGeek Product Site Thanks to David, who’ll eat anything with BBQ or Polynesian sauce on it. Pfft, who wouldn’t?!

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Soylent Green: Real Product, Not Real People

Japanese cooling foam : it may look like dried shaving cream, but it’s not. It’s cooling foam. It makes you feel cold . Also: telling someone you don’t love them. *shivers* Mmmm — plus it’s cheaper. * admiring new dime-sized nips* Products such as these are not new, but we have seen a boom in demand for them this summer with the idea of “setsuden” (energy saving) becoming more imminent in Japanese people’s everyday lives. Products such as “Hokkyoku Monogatari” (directly translated: Tales of the North Pole) offer a whole new method of cooling down in an interesting way. Not only are they convenient, they can be transformed into anything, ranging from a icy wristwatch to graffiti sprayed onto one’s body. The blue foam feels like a giant ball of confetti and as they squeeze it, the air bubbles expand and then “pop,” releasing a refreshing breeze of cool air. Now, I already know the question on everybody’s mind: but is it edible? Thankfully they sent me a can, so here goes nothing! *PSSSHHHHHHH* Not bad. I’m kidding, I’m kidding! *peels off label* Look — I just took the label off a cooling foam and stuck it on a can of spray cheese! “Yeaaaaah, that says ant and roach killer.” Oh shishi. Hit the jump for a video demo if you’re into that (I am sooooooo into that).

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Beating The Heat (Oooooor Shaking A Can): Japanese Aerosol Cooling Foam

Note: Video possibly NSFW on account of gratuitous melon mashing (no, NOT like Gallagher). Although it is just a commercial so it can’t be that bad. This is a 5:00 commercial for a Chinese corset that cinches a woman’s bloobies together with a comical WOOOOOP (but way more laser-y) sound effect. Literally, it’s five-straight minutes of that. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either awesome, or you’re a woman. Allegedly it can smash titties up two whole cup sizes. Impressive! At least until you can’t breathe and pass out. Ooooor poke somebody’s eye out with a nipple. WHICH I’VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF! Hit the jump for five-straight minutes of boob-binding WTFery.

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Chinese Knocker Clamp Corset Commercial

Note: Jump is NSFW on account of fake-ass wieners. Seen here looking suspiciously like they Photoshopped some uglier a-hole’s face on my body, a model models a pair of wiener-enhancin’ underwear (which are far more advanced than THESE ones) from designer Andrew Christian. Way to call yourself out, Andrew! GEE, I WONDER WHO HAS A SMALL PENIS?! Haha, yeah it’s me. The Shock Jock Flirt Boxer and Brief. These revolutionary new skivvies feature a soft hidden cup, sculpted into a penis shape (available in black or white models!), that adds around 2 inches to guy’s frontal measurement. “Guys want underwear that looks natural, feels great and makes them feel confident,” says Christian. No Andrew, guys don’t want underwear that “looks natural, feels great and makes them feel confident”, guys want underwear that makes it look like they have a giant submarine sandwich for a penis that women find twice as mouth-watering as a $5 footlong from Subway. Which reminds me: one time I stuffed a sweatshirt down my pants before a date and the girl was so impressed she couldn’t wait to get back home. Literally — she excused herself to the restroom and then dove out a restaurant window and ran. DAMMIT YOU SAID WE WERE GOING DUTCH! Hit the jump for some NSFW shots of the wienerwear, along with a shot of the designer, who, despite his looks, is actually straight. … … BWAHAHAHAHAHA — did I fool anybody?!

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Sock No More!: Underwear w/ Built-In Wiener

The Top Charming titty jiggler is supposed to grow breasts by vibrating them to stimulate the blood flow or something. I honestly don’t know. What I do know is there’s a 5:00 video after the jump that’s half titty-twitchin’ and half somebody pretending to be a scientist making up a bunch of bullshit about how it actually works. Which, SPOILER: it doesn’t. As a man who tries to play with breasts as much as possible, no amount of shaking will make them grow. Two words: get her pregnant. Kidding, totally not worth it. Hit the jump for 5:12 of boobie-bouncin’ WTFery.

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From B’s To D’s: The Chinese Breast Shaker

Really? I thought it was for idiot-morons. I unfriended and blocked everyone on my Facebook buddy-list that plays that shit a long time ago. It was like 200 people. What?! I know a lot of moms ! Amazon Product Site via Things That Are Real of the Day [thedailywh.at] Thanks to Nick, who left Mafia Wars for Farmville and made a New Year’s resolution to leave Farmville for living a real f***ing life. I’m holding you to it, Nick.

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Sadly A Real Book: ‘Farmville For Dummies’

You know what the problem with sandwiches is? They’re too hard to transport. What they need to do is invent specially-sized bags to tote them around in. Oh they’ve got those? WHERE THE F*** HAVE I BEEN?! Anyway, if you’re too lazy to make a sandwich or worry your canned Coke will flatten it in your Alf lunchbox, there’s Candwiches. Canwiches are canned sandwiches (NOT CHEESEBURGERS ) and come in PB&Strawberry J, PB&Grape J, and Barbecued Chicken flavors. I’m gonna get one of each and mush them all together! Then vomit! In related news, a major financier is being sued for fraud after collecting moneys to invest in commercial real-estate loans, only to turn around and invest in Canwiches instead. Can you blame him? These things are gonna explode on the market! Possibly from botulism. In all, Travis L. Wright raised $145 million from 175 investors between 2001 and 2009, according to the suit. He only invested $6 million in the kinds of things he said he would be investing in, the SEC says. Wright also spent $15 million of investors’ money for his own expenses, according to the lawsuit. Among other things, he bought a house formerly owned by an unnamed pro basketball player. And he paved his driveway using cobblestones imported from France. Oh man, wait till those investors get their hands on him. They’re gonna open a Candwich of whoop-ass on that bastard. Possibly even a six-pack. You hear me, Travis? You gonna be eating Candwiches through a straw! Product Site and Sandwich-In-A-Can Financier Sued For Fraud [npr] Thanks to Mike, who’s trying to convince me to invest in his canned mashed potato business. Hmmm, I dunno.

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OM NOM NOM!: Candwich Canned Sanwiches

Remember the Terrafugia Transition ? The $194K street-legal car that can turn into a plane ? Well it just got Federal Aviation Administration approval for use in the US. Whee! People will be flying into shit before you know it. The Transition was designed as a “light sport” aircraft, the smallest kind of private aeroplane under FAA classification, with a maximum weight of 1,320lb. But the manufacturers found it impossible to fit the safety features - airbags, crumple zones and roll cage, for instance - that are required for road vehicles into that weight. Uniquely, however, the FAA has granted the Transition an exemption - allowing it to be classified as a light sport aircraft despite being 120lb over the limit. Light sport aircraft licences require just 20 hours’ flying time, making them much easier to obtain than full private licences. No airbags, crumple zone or roll cage and it only takes 20 flying hours to get your license — what would possibly go wrong? A : You buzz my house and I shoot you down with a rocket launcher. Hit the jump for several more shots of the Transformer, including one with a t-rex (seriously).

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I Believe I Can Fly, I Believe I Can Touch The Sky: Terrafugia Flying Car Gets FAA Approval