Note to self: no more borrowing flash drives. Designer Ti Chang (of Knife Coathook fame) just sent me her latest coming-to-market concept: the Duet, a USB flash drive vibrator . Well she didn’t actually SEND me one, just the info. Otherwise I’d have a USB vibrator in my butt right now. Made of body-safe silicone and metal, the Duet is designed for the female body. With dual motors, it can deliver powerful and precise vibration exactly where you want it. The tip, inside edges, and outside edges provide slightly different intensities so that you can customize your pleasure! The Duet contains 4 vibration modes and 5 power levels so that you can customize the experience with the perfect intensity. When we say that this toy is completely waterproof, we mean it. Not only is it fully submersible in a bathtub, the Duet is waterproof to more than 3 meters. The finger-drive will come in three models — no storage, 8GB and 16GB. There’s a Kickstarter-esque page to fund the project, which surpassed its $15,000 goal in two days. But you can still donate $75 (retail $139) to receive one when they’re made. Me? I make my own vibrators. *taping wind-up car to greased Sharpie* Funding Page (where you can order one) Thanks Ti, and keep those great designs coming . *retires*

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The Sexist USB Drive (Is Actually A Vibrator)

But can I get one with a lobster print on the front? The SlobStopper is an adult bib designed for in-car use so you don’t scald your balls off with hot coffee or stain your dress with milk while eating a bowl of cereal and driving WHICH I’VE SEEN WITH MY OWN EYES. Slobstopper is an adult bib meant to fix those messy spills and stains, especially for the busy, commuter lifestyle. Made of the highest quality materials, the SlobStopper is constructed with two layers of PUL (polyurethane laminate), a thin absorbent fabric permanently laminated to a thin, waterproof barrier. Made in the USA, you will not find a more durable, higher quality bib anywhere. SlobStoppers are available in green, blue and black for $15 plus $6 shipping and make the perfect gift for absolutely nobody. God, cut a hole at the end of an old beach towel like a normal person. Doubles as a superhero cape, just sayin’! Hit the jump for two incredibly terrible commercials.

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SlobStopper: An Adult Bib For In-Car Use

The Ab-hancer is an (fl)ab-enhancing product from the same a-holes who brought us the Ass-istant and Tricep-tional fat-shapers (I’m grasping at straws here folks. Literally — I’m drunk and there’s like five of them in this giant green cocktail). I’m not even sure this is a real product . I should rephrase that. I’m hoping it’s not even a real product. And not just because if you’re really fat you’re gonna wind up with a sideways 12-pack, but that’s just poor design. Just like the Ass-istant. What good is a product that’s supposed to lift and separate my butt-cheeks if if every time I fart it sounds like an air-raid siren going off? Exaaaaactly — one that’s only fun at parties. HAPPY SAINT PATRICK’S DAY, I’M OUT! The AB Hancer [buzzfeed]

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For That ‘Chiseled From Granite Play-Doh’ Look: The Ab-Hancer Abdominal Enhancer

The Snazzy Napper is a real-ass product that, despite the name, isn’t really very snazzy (Bedazzle that shit, God!). What it is is a piece of cheap fabric you velcro around your head so you can rest in peace (I’ll kill you!) while you travel. Did I mention it has a hole for your nose so you don’t suffocate in how stupid you look? Because it does. Interested but don’t want to spend your hard earned $15? No problem! Here’s what you do: close your f***ing eyes. Hit the jump for a commercial and get ready to count some Z’s!

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Nap AND Look Cool With The Snazzy Napper

NOTE: Commercial for the WTF You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me Blanket is after the jump. The Better Marriage Blanket is an actual damn product , officially signaling the end of mankind. Or maybe just flatulence -related divorces! It’s basically a comforter with a layer of activated carbon sewn in so when you rip a squirty one your partner doesn’t have to smell it. Unless they’re into that sort of thing, in which case I have a blanket beyond their wildest dreams. Hit it for the I know I shouldn’t be surprised this exists but I’m still disappointed with humanity.

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It’s Anti-Toot!: The Better Marriage Blanket