Note: Full res-version HERE because your desktop is itching for a new background. Ooooooooooor has porn fleas. This is AN ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPH of Saturn taken from the Cassini spacecraft that’s been orbiting the gas giant for the last seven years. Hard to believe, I know, but I just called NASA and they verified its authenticity. Granted they hung up on me when I started probing(!) about the aliens that live on the dark side of the moon , so it’s hard to say for sure. The robotic Cassini spacecraft now orbiting Saturn drifted in giant planet’s shadow for about 12 hours in 2006 and looked back toward the eclipsed Sun. Cassini saw a view unlike any other. First, the night side of Saturn is seen to be partly lit by light reflected from its own majestic ring system. Next, the rings themselves appear dark when silhouetted against Saturn, but quite bright when viewed away from Saturn, slightly scattering sunlight, in this exaggerated color image. Saturn’s rings light up so much that new rings were discovered, although they are hard to see in the image. Seen in spectacular detail, however, is Saturn’s E ring, the ring created by the newly discovered ice-fountains of the moon Enceladus and the outermost ring visible above. Far in the distance, at the left, just above the bright main rings, is the almost ignorable pale blue dot of Earth. Still hard to believe it’s real, isn’t it? Hey, I’m right here with you. I mean, in spirit. And let me tell you: even in spirit your B.O. is kickin’, son ! It’s called deodorant bro, it comes in sticks and sprays. “What about roll-on?” Okay now roll-on is only for the ladies. Astronomy Picture of the Day, In the Shadow of Saturn [nasa] Thanks to bb, who claims she’s roller-skated around Saturn’s rings like a ladybug around a shirt button. OMG THE IMAGERY!

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Yes, This is An ACTUAL Photograph Of Saturn

Seen here in an artist’s rendition (mine — I’m an artist) of exactly what it’ll look like when while in orbit, the European Space Agency’s Gaia Spacecraft will rock a 106-CCD sensor, 1-billion pixel “camera” that’s over three feet wide (like my ass!) in order to create a 3-D map of the universe. Mass Effect galaxy map or GTFO. Along the way, it’s expected to detect (on average) 250 quasars, 30 brown dwarfs, 10 stars with planets orbiting them, and 10 stars exploding in other galaxies - every day. The resulting imaging system is so powerful that it will be able to precisely measure the width of a hair from over 600 miles away, and from here on Earth, it could spot a dime on the moon. OMG please tell me they didn’t build this thing just to spot a lost dime on the moon. IT’S TEN CENTS BRO, LET IT GO. Just sayin’, I don’t bend over for anything less than a quarter. Or a spanking. I’M KINKY AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS. Spacecraft’s billion-pixel camera to spot 10 new planets per day [dvice] Thanks to Clark, who’s hoping for at least one shot of two aliens doing it in a flying saucer.

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Is There Anybody Out There?: Billion-Pixel Space Camera To Discover 10 Planets A Day

Note: Much larger version HERE in case you’re looking for an out-of-this-world (but not solar system) wallpaper. This is allegedly a real picture (although I have my doubts — NASA ) of a massive storm on Saturn that has wrapped around the entire planet and caught up with its tail (the fainter discoloration below the brighter one). Impressive, but my dog does that shit all the time . Plus hock up unchewed kibble on the carpet. Given Saturn’s diameter of about 120,000 km (72,000 miles) and the latitude of the storm (call it 45), this monster system must be well over 300,000 km (180,000 miles) in length! That’s three-quarters of the way from the Earth to the Moon. Crazy. But equally crazy: how the photo was shot dead-on with Saturn’s rings so they only appear as a line. Now that’s nuts. And not little ones like pistachios either, I’m talking some bigass ones — like coconuts . “You’re so dumb GW, coconuts aren’t even nuts — the Coco de Mer is actually the world’s largest botanical nut and can weigh over 60-pounds.” Hoho — sounds like we’ve got a nut-lover in the audience! *teabag, teabag* BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. A storm wraps around Saturn [badastronomy] Thanks to Julian, who’s particularly fond of space because that’s where cheese comes from. Yeaaaaaaaaah, I’m not sure who told you that, Julian, but they are 100% correct! (It was probably me)

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Storm On Saturn Wraps Around Entire Planet

That’s right folks, I’m calling it. Sometime on or before May 30th. The world may end in 2012, but it all starts in 2011 . BOOM, movie concept. Get that made by fall — I want Shia Laboof attached. If you get up any morning for the next few weeks, you’ll be treated to the sight of all the planets except Saturn arrayed along the ecliptic, the path of the sun through the sky. For the last two months, almost all the planets have been hiding behind the sun, but this week they all emerge and are arrayed in a grand line above the rising sun. Mercury, Venus, Mars, and Jupiter are visible, and you can add Uranus and Neptune to your count if you have binoculars or a small telescope. Now I don’t want to ruin how the world ends, but I will give you a hint: something about gravity fields and planets hitting each other. You ever seen a planet hit another one? They all punch like babies. Except Uranus — it really packs a punch. Get it? I’M ASKING HOW IS YOUR OFFICE CHAIR NOT ON FIRE. Six Planets Now Aligned in the Dawn Sky [yahoo] and Picture [abovetopsecret] Thanks to matt, who’s already building a bunker. Bunker or pillow fort?

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Rare Six Planet Alignment Heralds Doomsday

Space: I’ve lived there. It was pretty cool. Never been to Saturn though, although I did regretfully visit Uranus once. Fine, TWICE. Just kidding — your butt’s mad nasty! This is a video fly-by of Saturn created from photos taken by the Cassini space probe. I watched it high. No, no I didn’t. I watched it holding my head between my hands praying I don’t puke again. Cassini has been snapping away photos ever since it was launched and recently, as part of an IMAX movie project called Outside In , some of these hi res images have been tweaked and cropped, and compiled into the short video above… For extra geek points, look out for the inspiration for the Death Star, Saturn’s moon Mimas and its Herschel Crater, clearly visible as Cassini flies over. Wait a minute — what the hell are geek points and why haven’t I heard of them? Can you trade them in for prizes? Can they be mined like Warcraft gold? Is there a website I can go to that tracks my total? I WANT ANSWERS. Ooooooor a handful of aspirin and a nap. Hit the jump and get ready to play outerspace (skip to the 1:00 mark for the good stuff).

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High-Res Cassini Space Probe Photos Used To Make Realistic Video Fly-By Of Saturn

Two nutjob astrophysicists are claiming a planet 4x the size of Jupiter (the current largest planet in the solar system) might be hiding in the Oort Cloud, a massive (1-light year in circumference) cloud of comets and fart particulate outside Pluto’s orbit. Its orbit would be thousands of times further from the Sun than the Earth’s - which could explain why it has so far remained undiscovered. Data which could prove the existence of Tyche, a gas giant in the outer Oort Cloud, is set to be released later this year - although some believe proof has already been garnered by Nasa with its [s]pace telescope, Wise, and is waiting to be pored over. Prof Daniel Whitmire from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette believes the data may prove Tyche’s existence within two years. He told the Independent: ‘If it does, [fellow astrophysicist Prof John Matese] and I will be doing cartwheels. And that’s not easy at our age.’He added he believes it will mainly be made of hydrogen and helium, with an atmosphere like Jupiter’s, with spots and rings and clouds, adding: ‘You’d also expect it to have moons. All the outer planets have them.’ First of all, I’m sure there are a bunch more planets in our solar system, AND PROBABLY MORE THAN A COUPLE ALIEN WIENERS. Secondly, I’m tired of all these giant gas-balls getting planetary status. A planet should require solid ground, dammit! AT LEAST YOU CAN STAND ON PLUTO, F***! How you gonna get Scotty to beam you down to a “planet” like Jupiter? SPOILER : You’re not, I’m here to inform you you’ve failed the Starfleet Academy Entrance Exam. Sorry! Largest planet in the solar system could be about to be discovered - and it’s up to four times the size of Jupiter [dailymail] Thanks to Mike, who doesn’t believe in planets until we’ve planted a flag on them AND NOT THROUGH THE USE OF HOLLYWOOD TRICKERY. *ahem* THE MOON.

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Is The Largest Planet In Our Solar System Hiding In A Comet Cloud (Spoiler: I Dunno)

Astrology, arguably the most credible of all the sciences (it can predict your future!), has apparently needed a facelift for some time, but, like gravity and plastics taking so long to invent, had managed to fly under the radar . That is, until now . Also, there’s a bonus, previously unused Zodiac sign that’s now in alignment! *cue ‘National Treasure 3′ theme* Astronomer Parke Kunkle tells NBC news that due to the Earth’s changing alignment in the last 3000 years, the sign you are born into now are different than they were long ago. Plus, some astronomers believe there is a 13th Zodiac sign called Ophiuchus, which falls between Scorpio and Sagittarius. “This is not something that happened today. This has gone on for thousands of years,” says Kunkle. “Because of this change of tilt, the Earth is really over here in effect and Sun is in a different constellation than it was 3,000 years ago.” So astrology enthusiasts should be using these dates, which reflect the current alignment of the Sun, Earth and stars. Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16 Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11 Pisces: March 11- April 18 Aries: April 18- May 13 Taurus: May 13- June 21 Gemini: June 21- July 20 Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10 Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16 Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30 Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23 Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29 Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17 Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20 Whew, still a Leo. What about you, did you change signs? Because you certainly didn’t change clothes — that’s the same shit you wore yesterday! Haha, what do you mean, how could I tell? Gee I dunno — the ‘KICK ME’ sign, maybe? *punt* *squeak* OMG TELL ME YOU DID NOT JUST FART ON MY SHOE. Ophiuchus, new Zodiac sign dates and your real astrological sign [zap2it] Thanks to smessica, koolaidzeus and Staticwolf, who are all Cobras. Commanders?! PLEEAAAASE LET ME SEE YOUR FACES!

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The Signs Of The Zodiac Have Changed, You’re Now A Cancer (To Society Anyway)

Woopsie daisy. The Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency ( JAXA , despite the E in Exploration) attempted to insert a probe into Uranus’s core Venus’s orbit Tuesday but failed due to bad “orbit estimation”. No biggie, the probe can try again in six years provided the country’s not decimated by Godzilla in the meantime, which is a real possibility. Launched in May, Akatsuki was designed to orbit Venus for two years and study the sweltering planet’s weather using a suite of five cameras. Although Akatsuki [the probe] does not have enough fuel left to turn around, it has settled into orbit around the sun. That means JAXA can try again for orbital insertion around Venus when Akatsuki returns to the planet in six years. JAXA officials said in a press conference today that the likelihood of a successful insertion then is “high.” Uh, why was the likelihood of success not “high” this time, hmmmmm? Did you ever stop to think maybe Venus doesn’t want an alien probe all up in her privates taking video. And can you blame her? After all, she is the goddess of love and beauty. Which — DAMMIT JAPAN, WAS THIS GONNA BE A FETISH FILM?! Japan Probe Missed Venus–Will Try Again in Six Years [nationalgeographic] Thanks to Samuel & Daniel, who once peeked up Mars’ skirt and were surprised to see a giant cannon of a dong. You, uh, didn’t know he was the god of war, right?

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Tokyo, We Have A Problem: Japanese Space Probe Misses Venus Orbit, Retry In 6 Years

Because even God shines his starlight favorably on me for my birthday, the Perseid meteor shower will reach its peak tonight, possibly signaling the apocalypse . Did I mention Mars, Venus, Saturn and the crescent moon will all be clustered together as well? We’re as good as dead. Suck it 2012, you don’t have shit on my 2010 birthday! Across the Northern Hemisphere, the best time to watch the Perseid meteor shower will be tonight through the pre-dawn hours local time Friday, regardless of where you live. Weather permitting, patient skywatchers could see a shooting star every minute or so. Meanwhile, Venus, Mars and Saturn are clustered in the evening sky and will be joined tonight and Friday by the graceful crescent moon. Anyone with clear skies can easily spot the foursome looming above the western horizon as soon as darkness falls. While the planets and our moon are all very far apart in space, they appear lined up this week thanks to a special circumstance of orbital mechanics. The outer planets, Mars and Saturn, take much longer to go around the sun than the inner planet Venus. Venus “laps” the outer planets frequently, and it never strays far from the sun from our vantage point. Now I’m not suggesting you all walk out of work right now and start birthday partying with me until the Meteor Shower of the Apocalypse arrives, but you and I both know it’s the right thing to do. Seriously — how do you want to spend your final hours: working for the man OR GETTING BELLIGERENT WITH THE GW AND SKIPPING OUT ON OUR TAB? Balls are gross in your court. Spectacular Meteor Shower and Rare Planet Alignment Coincide [yahoonews]

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Star Gazing!: Meteor Shower Peaks Tonight

That’s right, would-be astronauts , you can forget about NASA ever sending you to the moon strapped to a giant rocket, cause that shit ain’t happening. Your only chance now is lassoing a moonicorn and barebacking that bitch to outerspace. Obama wants to end NASA’s moon program, turn over space transportation to commercial companies and jump-start technologies needed for future human exploration of Mars and other destinations, officials said on Monday. Obama’s budget ends work on the shuttle follow-on vehicle, known as Orion, as well as a pair of rockets developed to fly astronauts to the space station, the moon and other destinations in the solar system. Funds previously earmarked for the Constellation program, initially intended to return U.S. astronauts to the moon by 2020, instead would be used for research projects that include robotics and other technologies needed to prepare for an eventual human mission to Mars Privatizing space transportation? I don’t know how I feel about that besides GW’s ROCKET TOURS NOW TAKING RESERVATIONS!! Week long space trips start at $1million. Now I know what you’re thinking, “I bet the GW’s just gonna get me high and drop me off at Space Camp”. And that, my friend, is a safe bet. Obama axes NASA moon plan in new budget [msnbc] Thanks to FDSY, who will kick your ass into outerspace for a cool grand.

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NASA Not To Revisit Moon After All, Orion, Constellation Programs Getting Scrapped