I can barely sit in traffic for five minutes without screaming and threatening to kill everyone else around me, but nine days ? I’d nuke the entire damn planet . Shit, the moon too . What?! I’m not crapping in the backseat again! Thousands of vehicles were bogged down Monday in a more than 100-kilometre (62-mile) traffic jam leading to Beijing that has lasted nine days and highlights China’s growing road congestion woes. The Beijing-Tibet expressway slowed to a crawl on August 14 due to a spike in traffic by cargo-bearing heavy trucks heading to the capital, and compounded by road maintenance work that began five days later, the Global Times said. The state-run newspaper said the jam between Beijing and Jining city had given birth to a mini-economy with local merchants capitalising on the stranded drivers’ predicament by selling them water and food at inflated prices. No lie: I’d rather do anything than sit in traffic. Including dying . “But GW, it’s just traffic — is it really worth losing your life over?” Yes, it 100% is. “Then, uh, why the hell did you move to LA?” Listen — enough with the questions, smart-ass! China’s nine-day traffic jam stretches 100km [yahoonews] Thanks to Jane, pomeberry and Mikel, who have all rolled out of moving cars before to avoid traffic jams. Impressive!

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OMG — I’d Be Road Raging My Face Off!: Beijing’s Nine-Day, 62-Mile Traffic Jam

This is a print ad for the new Volkswagen Fox touting an all new, redesigned interior (then why is there still a steering wheel ?!). Unfortunately, it looks like they put it on the wrong side. You gonna be sittin’ on a tire with a windshield wiper for a seatbelt! Inside Out Car [gizmodo] Thanks to Jose, who doesn’t drive a car, he drives women wild . Yeah you do!

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Let Me Guess — You Swung Over The Bar: Inside-Out Car Looks Hard To Keep Clean

How bout some Street Fighter II inspired sneakers? No? I’m with ya, I only wear flip-flops too. Besides, you’ve gotta admit the Street Fighter resemblance is subtle at best. They could have at least thrown a hadouken on the side of the Ryus. And, I dunno, maybe some bigass thunder-thighs on the Chun Li’s . Shit, the more I look at them the more I’m convinced they aren’t even Street Fighter. Just wait — I give it three months before they’re selling them as Yo Gabba Gabba . Nike SB Dunk Street Fighter Pack [albotas]

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Kickin’ Ass: Street Fighter Inspired Nikes

Free booze : want. Bullet earphones : do not want. These Teknines Nine Millimeter Earphones from MUNITO look like bullets but they are in fact earphones. The copper alloy cases are gold plated and the cords are covered in Kevlar, and yes you will look like a pathetic wannabe gangster if you go out and spend the $250 it costs to get a pair. $250?! Are you out of your gotdamn mind?! I’ll tell you what — you bring me twos shotgun shells and I’ll make you some real earbuds . Plus every pair comes with a free story! One about you and I getting a little farm together and livin’ off the fat of the land. Plus raising rabbits! (That’s when I blow your brains out) Teknines: 9mm Earphones Let You Pay Lots of Money to Look Like a Fool [uberreview]

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You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me: Bullet Earbuds

This is a mic stand that looks like a robotic hand . I want to smash it with my guitar and set it on fire , just like Jimi Hendrix would’ve. It was designed and built by artist Chris Conte ( THIS JERK ) for Adam Gontier, the front man of Three Days Grace.” Now I’ve never even heard of Three Days Grace, and you better believe I’m not gonna start listening now. As a matter of fact, I bet you $4 if you play their album backwards it’s all about robot worship and cyborg orgies. Not cool, guys, not cool. The greatest mic stand ever made [dvice]

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No Thank You: Terminator Hand Mic Stand

Send a ball , that’s how. Or nothing. Honestly, I’d prefer nothing. At least you won’t piss my mailman off (he already f***s up all my packages). Send a Ball, the online store that lets you create personalized inflatable balls for any occasion, made its ABC Shark Tank debut tonight. Here’s how the business started: “One day I [co-founder Michele) was in Osco, saw a BIN of bouncy balls, grabbed one and thought “I can mail this”. Took a sharpie, addressed it to my BFF Sharon, wrote “Have BALL with your new baby”, went to the post office and mailed it.” Balls start at $20 and include shipment to anywhere in the US. Which, for a $1 ball and $1 worth of postage, is a 1,000% markup. Which I think we can all agree, is the American way. Also: fat with a false sense of entitlement. News video with two annoying chicks after the jump.

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How To: Disappoint A Friend On Their Birthday

I don’t know about you, but I shoot to kill. Especially when it comes to protecting my castle (rent-controlled apartment). So I’m gonna have to pass on the Koosh bullets . AND seconds. Really, I’m stuffed. Lightfield has been selling these projectiles to law enforcement agencies and wildlife officials for years. Each round is filled with a soft projectile that resembles a koosh ball. They look like toys, because they’re made by a Chinese toy factory. The best thing about them is that they aren’t likely to kill someone even if they are fired at point blank range. They’re so soft that they’re almost incapable of penetrating the body. Eh. I’m a little hesitant to shoot toys at an intruder only to have them return fire with adult bullets. No, I think I’ll be sticking to my laser blaster, thank you very much. And I’m not just saying that because I accidentally glued it to my arm training for the robot wars, but that’s exactly what happened. A closeup of the projectiles after the jump.

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Home Protection: Kooshball Shotgun Shells

Wiiwaa is a new Wii game that comes with a stuffed animal peripheral . Basically you put a Wiimote (NOT YOUR PENIS) in its mouth and then dry hump it from behind like there’s no tomorrow. Because there might not be. Don’t believe me? Hit the jump for a video of Weewoo in action.

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Wii Game With Stuffed Animal Peripheral

There’s nothing I can’t stand more than a screaming child . If I ever have children they’re never gonna scream. Or cry. Or, God willing, know who their father is. I’m a role model! Goodbye N64 Kid, Hello Xbox 360 Kid [gizmodo]

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I Hope It’s Red Ringed Already: Kid Gets XBox For Christmas, Screaming Like A Girl Ensues

The $200,000 WaterCar is the lovechild of a Corvette that fell in love with a cigarette boat. But, like having sex with a mermaid , everyone will tell you it was just a manatee. Get a Corvette engine, rig it up with a Dominator Jet drive, and then strap it into a floating car, and you get the WaterCar Python, the fastest and highest-performing amphibious vehicle in the world. If zipping over the water at a top speed of 60mph doesn’t float your boat, it’ll accelerate on land at a neck-snapping 0-to-60 speed of a mere 4.5 seconds. Call me old fashioned, but I like all my vehicles single-purpose. If it drives on the road, I don’t want it in the ocean or sky. I mean, that’s just more stuff to go wrong. And wrong, my friends, is the opposite of right. And two Wrights made an airplane. ZING! Thanks for that one, dad. Hit the jump for several more shots and a video of the thing in action (worthwhile stuff starts at 0:50).

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Yeah, But Can It Fly?: Amphibious WaterCar Does 60MPH On Both Land And Sea