In case you’ve been living in a cave for the past several months (tell me — on a scale from 1 to 10 how robot-proof is it?), Congress is trying to push some legislation through the system THAT WILL CHANGE THE FACE OF INTERNET AS WE KNOW IT. And not in a good way like to a Brad Pitt or George Clooney face, in a bad way like to Sloth from Goonies . No bueno! Gizmodo has a really nice layman’s terms article explaining the bill and its effects HERE , which is definitely worth a read if you’re not familiar with WTF is going on. Then, after you’re filled with enough rage at the stodgy old gasbags pushing this shit, you can go HERE , HERE or HERE to write your congressperson and tell them you didn’t elect them to side with their ball-tickling cohorts in big business. But don’t say it like that. Try to say it more eloquently. Oooooooor just use one of the form-factor emails. However you do it, please, LET YOUR INTERNET-LOVING VOICE BE HEARD. This is my livelihood we’re talking about!

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We Didn’t Order That!: The Stop Online Piracy Act

Seen here about to choke some poor f*** out, Jusui-Kun is a robotic bear pillow that paws at a person’s face if they’re snoring, encouraging them to roll over and stop cutting the z’s or whatever. TOO BAD I DON’T SNORE. God, make something for busting ass in your sleep. Okay, it’s more of a “gentle tickling,” according to the bear’s creators. The key is to get the snorer sleeping on the pillow to move his or her head from side to side. Jusui-Kun has a built-in mic to detect the sleeper’s snoring, while an equally cuddly hand monitor detects blood oxygen levels, letting the bear know when to issue one of its loving face swipes. Oh man, can you even imagine explaining this thing to your girlfriend when she comes over AND YOU’RE IN BED WITH SOME ROBOTIC BEAR TICKLING YOUR NUTS? “…Why would it be tickling my nuts?” Why wouldn’t it be — because you wanted to know what it felt like! Hit the jump for a short video of Chokey the Bear in action.

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Robotic Bear Pillow Claws At Face To Prevent Snoring

This is a tubful of creepy-ass sea lampreys at Michigan State acting as test subjects for a new lamprey repellent the university is developing made of the rotting carcasses of other sea lampreys . Because smelling your own dead — that shit’ll get to you. Also: Cupid’s arrow. *twang* Well that was just a regular arrow , but you obviously got the point because you’re bleeding pretty bad. Point , LOLOL. Lampreys are parasites that look like slimy eels with mouths that are ringed with several layers of jagged teeth [designed to attach to and feed from a host]. In some areas, like the Great Lakes of the United States, they’ve become an invasive pest that kills local trout and other valuable fish. Damn them things is nasty. You think Indiana Jones would hate them more or less than snakes? My guess is more — what’s your guess? “I dunno, but rumor has it Ursula from ‘The Little Mermaid’ has a crush on Lord Lamprey!” Really? I heard she was banging King Crab. Dude likes his sea-witches thick. Hit the jump for two videos (one above water, one below) and a picture of a lamprey mouth because terrified is a good look on you.

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Tubful Of Lampreys Go Buck Wild After Being Exposed To Smell Of Their Own Rotting Dead

OMG — the eighth plague. Because God has wisely (the dude’s smart) decided humanity’s reign of terror on earth has just about run its course, here’s a video featuring a bunch of recent bugnadoes (bugs + tornadoes , despite the absence of any actual tornadoes ) in Missouri. Allegedly they’re some sort of multi-thousand bug sex party, but that’s just what a nonbeliever would have you think. And me, well, I believe. ? I believe I can fly I believe I can touch the sky Think about it every night and day spread my wings and fl– ? Oh — oh shit, I think just swallowed a bug. *hocking* “GW, stay focused — you’re falling!” Oh no — I’ve lost my happy thought! *plummeting back to earth* Boning dinosaurs, BONING DINOSAURS! *soars like an eagle into power lines* Hit the jump for the video of the end is nigh.

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Bug Tornadoes Herald Coming Apocalypse

This is a video of a bunch of Russian dipshits on a precarious looking roof sledding off with a homemade bungee cord (which may or may not be a bunch of soiled bedsheets tied together) attached. I was convinced the stunt would prove to be certain death, but somehow the girl (note: ALWAYS make the girl go first) survived to scream her f***ing face off and smack into a wall . Just kidding, she doesn’t actually hit a wall, but damn if I wasn’t praying she would. “Uh — GW? You shouldn’t really waste prayers on hoping somebody gets hurt.” YEAH? WELL YOU SHOULDN’T REALLY WASTE YOUR BREATH TRYING TO CHANGE THINGS THAT NEVER WILL. Learn to pick your battles, Napoleon! Hit the jump for the WTFery in action.

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Idiot Morons Sled Bungeeing Off Snowy Roof

I hate myself for even using the term bling bling but I assure you I’ll take it out on my liver in just a little bit. But before the ritualistic alcohol abuse begins, here’s a $60K iPhone case made out of t-rex teeth and meteors . Ironic, don’t you think? Making a phone case out of sexiest beasts that ever lived and the very thing that killed them. Stuart Hughes is back at it again, tricking out iPhones in ridiculously outrageous jewels. His iPhone 4 “HISTORY Edition” is a customization unlike any other we’ve ever seen. The back of the HISTORY Edition iPhone 4 isn’t cut from glass — it’s made from the tooth of a Tyrannosaurus Rex and meteoric stone that’s dated back some 65 million years ago. Hughes is only going to make 10 of these hideous iPhones, with each going for about $62,700. The reason for such a design? Hughes wanted to make something “fierce.” Hey Stewart — mind if I call you Stewie? No? Too bad. Listen Stewie, if you wanted to make something “fierce”, an iPhone IS NOT THE PLATFORM TO BEGIN WITH. I don’t care if you wrap the thing in knives and razor wire, IT WILL NEVER BE FIERCE, only painful to answer. Your iPhone 4 made of glass? Nice, mine is made from a T-Rex’s tooth [dvice] Thanks to Kevin G, blueAlien, tkuper05, Mih0 and frankie, who all have phone cases made with real space technology stripped from alien spaceships that crash-landed here on earth. GTFO!

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Move Over, Platinum And Gold!: Dinosaur Teeth And Meteors — The New Bling Bling

Man, scientists be all kinds of pissin’ me off lately. I may have to start siding with the Juggalos on this one. Thing is, I really don’t know how magnets work. I always thought there were tiny wizards in there. Anyway, a group of Slovenian “scientists” are ignorning Asimov’s first rule of robotics and having a robot punch the shit out of humans. Possibly literally! (I know I would) There [Slovenia], a powerful robot has been hitting people over and over again in a bid to induce anything from mild to unbearable pain …. But the robo-battering is all in a good cause, insists Borut Pove, who has ethical approval for the work from the University of Ljubljana, where he conducted the research. He has persuaded six male colleagues to let a powerful industrial robot repeatedly strike them on the arm, to assess human-robot pain thresholds. It’s not because he thinks the first law of robotics is too constraining to be of any practical use, but rather to help future robots adhere to the rule. “Even robots designed to Asimov’s laws can collide with people. We are trying to make sure that when they do, the collision is not too powerful,” Pove says. “We are taking the first steps to defining the limits of the speed and acceleration of robots, and the ideal size and shape of the tools they use, so they can safely interact with humans.” Really? The University of Lubjubjama? Because based on the name alone I’m not sure they have the authority to be passing out ethical approvals. OR diplomas. Flyers for a furniture liquidations sale maybe . Robot arm punches human to obey Asimov’s rules [newscientist] and Robots learning our pain threshold by punching humans and seeing if they cry [engadget] Thanks to Jon, Dj Azer, EroticHamster, Kevin, Juan, Oli4, Kara and Schmitty, who would knock a robot’s block off before ever getting punched by one.

Link:
You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me!: Scientists Experiment With A Human-Punching Robot

The Snazzy Napper is a real-ass product that, despite the name, isn’t really very snazzy (Bedazzle that shit, God!). What it is is a piece of cheap fabric you velcro around your head so you can rest in peace (I’ll kill you!) while you travel. Did I mention it has a hole for your nose so you don’t suffocate in how stupid you look? Because it does. Interested but don’t want to spend your hard earned $15? No problem! Here’s what you do: close your f***ing eyes. Hit the jump for a commercial and get ready to count some Z’s!

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Nap AND Look Cool With The Snazzy Napper

Luxury water shouldn’t exist . As far as I’m concerned, there should only be two grades of water: frugal (that’s brown and might make you sick), and plain. We don’t need anything higher than that besides beer . The luxury bottled water comes in five colors which represent different themes: Red (friendship), Pink (cute), yellow (heartful), green (wish) and lavender (sweet). You can buy all five for $500 or individually at $100 a pop $100/bottle?! You could drink nothing but Magical brand unicorn milk for cheaper! I should know, I’m an authorized dealer. Just sayin’ folks, $79/gallon . Note: GW not responsible for those who claim his unicorn milk is actually spoiled 2%. Those chunks contain the magic! Hello Kitty Luxury Water [kittyhell] Thanks to mud, who, fun fact: is just water and dirt mixed together.

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It’s All I Drink: $100/Bottle Hello Kitty Water