Severed head? Now that’s a VD! In other anatomical news, this is allegedly the skull of Saint Vitalis of Assisi (hoho, your mom was a namby pamby!), the patron saint of venereal diseases . It’s going up for auction soon and I’m going to buy it. Theeeeeeeen wear it around my neck as a talisman to ward off wiener warts. Did I mention in comes in a custom Queen Anne display case? 17th-century craftsmanship, just sayin’! St Vitalis was born in Umbria, Italy, and is said to have lived an immoral and licentious youth. In an attempt to atone for his early sins, he later undertook pilgrimages to shrines throughout Europe, eventually entering the Benedictine monastery at Subiaco. It is said that he wore only rags and shunned all material wealth, with the exception of a basket which he used to fetch water from a nearby stream. He died in 1370, and word of his sanctity soon spread due to reports of numerous miracles performed on those with bladder and genital disorders. Wow, of all the miracles I’d like to perform I can honestly say none involve genital disorders. Sure one might involve turning a tiny-ass wiener into something that drags behind me when I walk, BUT THAT IS IT. Severed head of patron saint of genital disease on sale [bbcnews] Thanks to sean, who allegedly has the head of the patron saint of video games resting on top of his X-Box. Yeaaaaaah, I wouldn’t want that staring at me when I’m trying to play.

Link:
I Will Not Be Outbid!: For Sale, Severed Head Of The Patron Saint Of Venereal Diseases

Picture 1: Should’ve covered your eyes instead, little girl Picture 2: Probably the worst ’sign of the horns’ EVER This is a video of Chewbacca dressed as Axl Rose and an Ewok as Slash performing Guns n Roses’ ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ as part of Disney’s 2011 Star Wars Weekends ‘Hyperspace Hoopla’. WHAT. THE. F***? It 250% can and will shit all over any respect you might have had left for the franchise . Not depressed enough? Oh good, because there’s also a 26-minute video of the entire performance embedded after the jump in case you weren’t sure if you should start drinking from the flask you keep in a desk drawer. But, WARNING: you’re gonna wish it was poison Kool-Aid instead of the urine I replaced your bourbon with after chugging it all. Also, stop buying the cheap stuff — I have a refined palate. No, no I don’t, but I can taste the difference between Coke and Pepsi while blindfolded. Just no trying to stick a wiener in my mouth when I’m in the dark or I’ll tear it off like Macho Man Randy Savage snapping into a Slim Jim. I haven’t stopped thinkin’ about you, bro! Just sayin’, dug my Wrestling Buddy out of storage and been sleeping with him. Hit the jump to have your Star Wars loving world torn apart.

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Chewbacca As Axl Rose Singing ‘Welcome To The Jungle’/Destroying My Entire Childhood

British men, upset that woman get to have all the ’sticker crystals on your privates’ fun, have finally gotten their wish with Pejazzles: peel-off Swarovski crystal stickers for your wiener. LOOK LOOK — mine says ‘RAWR’! ‘Women don’t necessarily want a rough and ready man. Some prefer a man who’s groomed and takes care of himself. It’s each to their own,’ But can a man really be taken seriously while decorated with Swarovski crystals - especially ‘down there’ ‘Men wear diamond watches and bling earrings - this is no different ,’ I’m gonna go ahead and go out on a sturdy limb wiener here and argue that, no, penis crystals ARE actually different. Not sure how many times you failed the analogies portion of standardized tests, but my guess is every single one. I can see it now: Question 37. Diamond watches : bling earrings : : diamond cufflinks : WIENER JEWELLLLS!!!!11 After vajazzling comes pejazzling [dailymail] Thanks to ross and Manda, who agree the last thing any guy needs is a bunch of plastic penis stickers coming off inside their girlfriend.

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Your Wiener, Now With More Stick-On Crystals

How about we just show each other our privates and call it a Skype? Seen here reaching previously unknown levels of sadness, a user demos Kajimoto Laboratory’s Kiss Transmission Device. The devices were designed to simulate the kiss of a lover (or webcam stripper!) across the internet by connecting two people with a box of rotating electronics in their mouth. Mmmmmmmm . NOW CHOKE ME WITH YOUR TONGUE. “If you take one device in your mouth and turn it with your tongue, the other device turns in the same way. If you turn it back the other way, then your partner’s turns back the same way, so your partner’s device turns whichever way your own device turns.” The position information values can also be recorded, and the kiss information for different individuals can be freely replayed. “For example, if you have a popular entertainer use this device and record it, that could be hugely popular if you offer it to fans.” “The elements of a kiss include the sense of taste, the manner of breathing, and the moistness of the tongue. If we can recreate all of those I think it will be a really powerful device.” Damn, that sounds romantic. Oooooor like chewing on a Matchbox car. Call me old fashioned, but I still like to kiss the way nature intended: like I’m trying to suck somebody’s lunch back up their throat. BABY BIRD ME — GO GO GO! Hit the jump for sadness closeups in case you’re into depressing (including one shot of guy staring at his lover’s ass!)

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Future Frenching: Electronic Kiss Simulator

Picture sadly unrelated: it was a regular-ass controller. A Florida man was arrested after attempting to rob a convenience store by pretending the Playstation controller in his pocket was a gun. *facepalm* You didn’t even have the wherewithal to use A NES Zapper?! He was arrested by a police officer who walked into the store in the middle of the robbery, police said. Pittman was suspected in an earlier robbery at a Subway restaurant. Police received a tip that Pittman might have been at the store, and so when the officer went inside, he caught Pittman in the middle of the act, police said. Police said Pittman dropped the remote and gave up. He is facing charges of strong-arm robbery and violation of probation. First of all, who the f*** robs a Subway? Secondly, who the f*** robs anything with a Playstation controller? There are at least two-hundred other things in my apartment I’d use as a surrogate firearm before grabbing my Playstation controller (Wiimote included). And not just because I’d be shit out of luck at Mass Effect 2 if something happens to it while I was out, but I’m gonna see some alien titties if its the last thing I do. Fine — third to last thing I do (pop boner, have heart attack). Police: Man tried to rob store with game remote [baynews9] Thanks to Bradley B, who once tried robbing a convenience store with telepathy but it worked so poorly he ended up paying for his chips & drink and leaving.

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Man Tries Robbing Convenience Store With Playstation Controller, Unsurprisingly Fails

Seen here getting his what will go down in history books as “ZERO SWERVE” on, a laptop thief records himself on webcam dancing to ‘Make it Rain’ (make it rain? you couldn’t even muster a drizzle — you’ll never be an Indian shaman!) IN HIS MOM’S KITCHEN. My f*** that’s gangsta. Unfortunately for Sir Spazalot here, the laptop’s rightfully owner was able to remotely access the unit, determine who the thief was, and post this video on Youtube. I was going to stage serious lulz but the police apparently cracked down right as I filed the report. EDIT: laptop recovered! EDIT 2: I bought another laptop during the time it got stolen, so I’m going to sell the old one and donate all the proceeds to Japan relief. Thanks for your support, everyone The perp, obviously disappointed some Youtube codec made his fresh moves appear stale onscreen, took the time to write the owner a Facebook message (screencap after jump) asking him to remove the video. Obviously, the owner has not. Hey — you know the Ja Rules: you do the crime, you do the time get humiliated by a half-million people on Youtube. Knock knock. “Who’s there?” A producer from ‘ So You Think You Can Dance? ‘ “REALLY?!” No asshole, it’s the amberlamps — we thought you were having a seizure. ” Damn. ” Cops are here too, something about a laptop. Hit the jump for the Facebook message and video of in action.

Continued here:
Laptop Stolen, Owner Remotely Accesses Computer, Thief Gets Humiliated (That’s Him!)

“Dammit, GW, spiders have eight legs.” YOU SHUT UP. This is SAMSA II, a hexapod robot built by Uruguayan Geekologie Reader pabloxid. Why he decided to send me a video of the thing I have no idea, but I assume it has something to do with luring me to Uruguay to rough him up a bit only to fall into some sort of robotic trap and get my nuts tampered with for awhile. NO THANKS. That said, I was too afraid to watch this thing alone so I made my ladyfriend watch it with me (who hates robots almost as much as I do and spiders even more) and she started beating laptop’s monitor with a rolled up magazine . WTF? GIRL CALM DOWN AND USE YOUR FLIP-FLOP! Hit the jump for the arachnaboticphobia in action.

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What Are You, Taunting Me?: Geekologie Reader Builds Homemade Robotic Spider

Seen here with an XBox Kinect for a head and about to grope a patient, ‘Cody’ the robot was used in a study conducted by Georgia Tech to learn about how people respond to a robot’s touch . NOT WELL. Boom — study’s a wrap, let’s go drink. “What we found was that how people perceived the intent of the robot was really important to how they responded. So, even though the robot touched people in the same way, if people thought the robot was doing that to clean them, versus doing that to comfort them, it made a significant difference in the way they responded and whether they found that contact favorable or not,” Although Cody touched the subjects in exactly the same way, they reacted more positively when they believed Cody intended to clean their arm versus when they believed Cody intended to comfort them. In addition, Kemp and his research team tested whether people responded more favorably when the robot verbally indicated that it was about to touch them versus touching them without saying anything. “The results suggest that people preferred when the robot did not actually give them the warning,” said Tiffany Chen, doctoral student at Georgia Tech. “We think this might be because they were startled when the robot started speaking, but the results are generally inconclusive.” Regardless of “intent,” I can guarantee I’d respond the same way no matter what: grab whatever touched me (yes, even a peener), break it off, and beat its owner to death with it. Which, fun fact: is my same MO for alien contact. TOUCH MY BUTT, YOU BIG GREEN PERVERT, I DARE YOU! *poke* Ooh la la. Okay that I could get used to. Hit the jump for a brief video explanation.

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STUDY: How Do Humans Respond To A Robot’s Touch? SPOILER: I’d Scream

Hacking a toy’s remote-contro l mechanism to open your blinds when you wake up in the morning: cool. Hacking a toy’s remote-control mechanism directly into a cockroach’s nervous system to make it turn whatever direction you want it to: WAIT — WHAT THE F***?! By modifying the HEXBug toy “Inchworm” circuitry to deliver pulses, we stimulated the antenna nerves of the discoid cockroach to “trick” the cockroach into turning upon command. Stay tuned! as we make the preparation easier, more reliable, and lighter! Granted we’ve already seen the same performed on flying beetles , but I felt like there was a lot more that went into that. I didn’t know you could just take a toy apart, poke some wires into a cockroach and be good to go. What if the mad scientists find out about this?! SPOILER : MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Get it? Because that’s how they laugh. Hit the jump for the ‘oh God please squash it, please squash it!’ in action.

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NO: Bionic Cockroach Controlled By Remote

This is a robotic tattoo machine designed by Chris Eckert (WTF, BROSKI?!) that does all the work for you. INCLUDING PICKING A DESIGN . But not just any design — oh no . Auto Ink is a three axis numerically controlled sculpture. Once the main switch is triggered, the operator is assigned a religion and it’s corresponding symbol is tattooed onto the person’s arm. The operator does not have control over the assigned symbol. OMG you’re mom is gonna to be piiiiiiiiiiiissed. “What are you, some kind of devil-worshiper now?! This is NOT how we raised you!” Raised me?! Video games raised me, you just grounded me for drinking and smoking weed! You should know if my Warcraft guild didn’t require 40-hours a week I’d have a job and be out of this f***ing basement! Bring another bag of chips when you come down to rotate the laundry? Automatic Tattoo Machine Inks Random Tats [make] via Automatic tattoo machine chooses your ink for you [dvice] Thanks to wes g, carlos and Erin, who prefer to get their random tattoos the old fashioned way: blackout drunk . Hoho, another penis!

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Robotic Tattoo Machine Even Picks Design