This is a video of some idiot trying to run over his girlfriend in a truck after she ducks into a gas station for safety. He misses her, but manages to hit the owner after plowing though the entire store . But the excitement doesn’t stop there, oh no! Captain Roadkill then gets out of the truck, leaves the store, steals another woman’s SUV that was left at the pump, and tries to make a quick getaway BEFORE CRASHING HEAD-ON INTO A BREAD TRUCK because he didn’t look both ways. F***, even Michael Bay couldn’t even make an action scene this exciting! Get it? Because he sucks. Hit the jump for the there ought to be a special place for people like this. “Like prison?” Even specialer.

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Failure At Life Drives Truck Through Gas Station Trying To Run Over Girlfriend

In news that can only be described as bad, a group of autonomous quadrocopters at the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology have successfully built a 20-foot tower out of foam blocks. *adding Switzerland to shit list* Neutral my ass! But seriously, I want you to think about this for a second: autonomous robots are building things on their own . Do you know how hard it is to build something? One year I tried to build a birdhouse but the roof caved in and killed a family of cardinals. Kidding, there was no roof because I accidentally glued it to my leg. My point is this: robots are building things and BUILDING things is much harder than DESTROYING things. You do the math . “12 x 12 = 124″ Okaaaaaaay , one more guess but this time time use your phone’s calculator. Hit the jump for some brick-laying in action.

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Autonomous Quadrocopters Build 20-Foot Tower

Sure it may LOOK like a giant blue dildo with legs, but looks can be deceiving. Except in this case, because that’s a walking shlong if I’ve ever seen one (and I have — lots ). The inflatable Ant-Roach robot was designed to carry passengers on the ride of a miserable lifetime, all the while with the sound of a loud-as-f*** air-compressor running in the background. Wow, did we all fall asleep and wake up in the future or what?! Hit the jump for a video of the blow-up bot in action.

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Absolutely Not: The Inflatable Ant-Roach Robot

The day stiletto heel implants become reality is the day I’m slingshoting myself into the sun . And, knowing my luck, missing and winding up orbiting the solar system for all eternity. Remind me to pack cyanide capsules. Also: some really bright LEDs (I want children to be able to find me with a telescope). Hit the jump for one more shot of the you’ll never run again.

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For The Ladies: Conceptual Stiletto Implants

This is an art piece (and I use the term “art” as loose as the lips that sink ships) entitled ‘5 Million Dollars 1 Terabyte’ that consists of, you guessed it! — $5 million worth of illegally downloaded files on a 1-terrabyte hard drive . Wow, if art isn’t dead now, it at least has some bad sectors . HIYO — shitty disk drive humor! Accompanying the $5 million piece of evidence art is a PDF file that lists all the illegally obtained software that’s been stuffed into the hard drive, complete with shortened (TinyURL) links. A sample of what’s on there includes $3 million worth of fiction books from 2003 to 2011, a science textbook collection worth half a million dollars, 124GB of copyrighted music, fonts, Adobe software, various game system ROMs, and more. The hyperlinks mostly reference pages on The Pirate Bay and MegaUploads, with a few other torrent sites littering the list. Pfft — $3 million in fiction novels and another half mill in science textbooks? That is some of the saddest pirating I’ve ever heard of. Right up there with the crew that buried their treasure in a playground sandbox. Even I probably have at least a $1-million piece of “art”, except it’s actually filled with good stuff . Get it?! IT’S CALLED MY OLD LAPTOP. Totally a Picasso. Lots of imagery going on. Hit the jump for a couple more shots if you’re struggling with the idea of an external hard drive on a pedestal.

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‘$5M 1 Terabyte’ Art Piece Just A Hard Drive Packed With $5M Of Illegal Downloads

This is a series of baby dolls customized by eBay seller artfulbabies to look like newborn Harry Potter characters . In case you couldn’t tell because you don’t even know like a single magic spell , the burn-it-with-fire demon spawn here is Lord Voldemort . The rest of them aren’t nearly as terrifying, but still somewhat so because of just how lifelike they look. In my opinion, it should be illegal to manufacture a fake baby that look any more realistic than a Cabbage Patch Doll. And by Cabbage Patch Doll I mean a stick with a face drawn on. Have you ever even been baby doll shopping before? Those things are EXPENSIVE. *ahem* I’m looking at you, American Girl doll company! $36 for one tiny-ass outfit for my niece’s doll . I could get TWO entire Geekologie Writer outfits for that! “Damn GW — what the f*** do you wear?!” Ha, nothing but $18 bourbon, baby. Hit the jump for a bunch more in this order: another Voldemort, Dobby the House Elf, Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks, Severus Snape, Draco Malfoy, Ron Weasley, Hermoine and Harry himself.

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GW Casts "Can Unsee", It Isn’t Super Effective: Terrifying Harry Potter Character Baby Dolls

Um, all soda cans are spray cans if you shake them first. Because tilting a can back/not poking your eyes out with a straw takes skill and dexterity that today’s youth are lacking, soda is now available in spray-cans. Think spray-cheese , but then think soda. Then think both of them together day after day and you’ll understand why I look the way I do. *BELCH* It took a team of 40 researchers and developers to come up with this new soda delivery system, which apparently dispenses a product with a texture that’s a cross between a soft drink and Reddi Wip. Yum? To activate Turbo Tango, the packaging instructs users to “Hold upright and squirt in your mouth (and nowhere else).” 40 researchers that should be awfully f***ing ashamed of themselves aside, this shit sounds pretty pukey. Don’t get me wrong — I’m all for having things sprayed in my mouth, I just don’t know how I feel about this. Yes, yes I do: sticky. What?! I have bad aim! Soda follows Cheez Whiz into spray cans [dvice] Thanks to The Cook, who makes a mean cheesy-ramen. Get all hopped up on Sunny-D with me on Faceybooks and Tweeter and then we can run around in the woods behind my house and playing commando or whatever

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Shoot It In My Eyes!: Soda, Now In Spray-Cans

Note: Uncensored pictures after the jump cannot be unseen. I wasn’t going to post this because 1. I eat a lot of sushi and 2. it’s f***ing disgusting and is gonna give me nightmares FO SHO, but I’m getting the tip so much I figured I might as well. Standards: mine are incredibly low. So yeah, a shark with a single eye in the middle of its head. What’s your take, Indy? “It belongs in a freakshow museum!” According to the Pisces Fleet Sportsfishing blog, this one-eyed bull shark fetus was removed from a mother caught in Mexico’s Sea of Cortez. Apparently shark researcher Felipe Galvan Magaa is now examining this monocular specimen. I’m not sure what shark researcher Felipe Galvan Magana is going to find out, but my guess is that the X-Men’s Cyclops has a mermaid fetish and recently chartered a boat. Hit the jump for two uncensored shots that shouldn’t be viewed before, during or after eating.

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Cyclops Shark With Eye In Middle Of Face

You know what the problem with a lot of movies coming out is? THEY BLOW. They were poorly written, grossly over-ma rketed, and suck nards. Not because they aren’t watched in seats that move. But has that stopped D-Box (D-Bag’s cardboard older brother) from developing ‘ kinetic motion theater chairs’ to jiggle your ass when there’s an explosion on screen? Sadly, it did not. Per Roger Ebert, who was clearly paid off or owns a stake in the company: D-BOX Motion Code [technology] uses motion effects specifically programmed for each film, TV series or video game, which are sent to a motion generating system integrated within either a platform or a seat. The resulting motion is perfectly synchronized with all onscreen action, creating an unmatched realistic immersive experience. Great, so not only am I gonna be pissed the movie sucked, but I’m gonna leave with motion sickness. God, whatever happened to making movies that don’t rely on 3-D or some other shticky bullshit to be enjoyable? I miss those days. If I had a time machine I’d go back to then and see Nirvana in concert. Would you go to the movies for a ‘kinetic theater chair’? [dvice] Thanks to Lucius, who likes his movie seats how he likes his fancy paper: stationary . Also, who had a birthday last night so today’s writing is all his fault. GOD, YOU JUST HAD TO GET OLDER.

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The New 3-D: Kinetic Movie Theater Seating

This is an 8-bit version of that girl’s annoying ‘Friday’ song. I say “that girl’s” because I can’t bring myself to say her name without projectile vomiting . Rebecca BLU-BLU-BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! See? Granola bars hurt on the way back up. Admittedly, this 8-bit version is kinda catchy without the words. *getting stoned to death* Hit the jump for the ‘I’ve been listening to it all morning’ video.

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Because It’s Friday (And You Hate Yourself): 8-Bit Version Of That Girl’s ‘Friday’ Song