Baconlube, originally speculated to be an April Fool’s joke , is now a real $12 bacon-flavored product to smear on your wiener or whatever. Just be careful bedding a hungry girl, or you might pull back a stump . Get it? Because you were licking it off each other’s fingers as some sort of foody foreplay, pervert. Hit the jump for two other poster ads and a link to the product site.

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Baconlube: Now A Real (Nasty) Product

What you’re looking at are incredibly thin pieces of lab-grown beef. Pretty appetizing, right? “They look like scabs with little pieces of Band-Aid stuck in them.” Mmmmmmm, scabs . I just had one on my knee that was almost ready for harvest but it came off in the bed and I haven’t been able to find it. Sucks too, it was a thick one. These petri dishes contain thin strips of 100% lab-grown muscle tissue, synthesized from animal stem cells harvested from slaughterhouses. They contain no blood and no fat (hence the weird look), and are “exercised” by being stretched between a couple tabs of Velcro. By piling about 3,000 of these strips together and throwing in some synthesized fat, it’ll be possible (within the year) to create the first ever burger that didn’t come from an animal. Once that has been achieved, we can set about tweaking the meat to look and taste the way we want it to, which shouldn’t be too difficult. So, for all you meat-eaters out there: what do you find more bothersome: knowing that the meat you’re eating came from something that used to have a face… or didn’t? Because I used to know this guy at the Underground Pub in Blacksburg who told me he once infiltrated a top-secret government testing facility where they were growing human organs in human “factories” that didn’t have heads or limbs or anything like that. That shit freaked me out. Plus one time he stood in front of the dart board backwards and made us throw darts at him. $345,000 will buy you a hamburger grown in a petri dish [dvice] Thanks to beebs, who doesn’t eat anything that comes from a lab except cotton balls . Those…aren’t part of the food pyramid.

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First Lab-Grown Burger Coming Soon, $345,000

This is the $250 Blacktop Grill-Fryer. It combines the cooking power of a grill , griddle and deep fryer in a single unit . Did I mention there’s a warming plate? Because there’s one of those too. Now you can keep your hands toasty while you grill and deep-fry in the middle of witch’s tits temperatures! “That’s not what a warming plate’s for.” No, that’s just not what YOU use it for. I swear, why didn’t someone invent this thing earlier? “They did — the government just covered it up because of the whole fat epidemic.” A-HA! Down the rabbit hole. Jk jk, down the hatch . Keep the bacon and onion rings coming. Amazon Product Site (with more pics and specs) via Blacktop 360 Grill-Fryer [uncrate] Thanks to joseph, who keeps a Fry Daddy in the trunk of his car. You’re sick.

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Finally, An Affordable Grill/Griddle/Deepfryer Combo

This is a chunk of pork that’s been pressed into the shape of Babe and sold as a ‘Mini Piglet’. Presumably to remind you you’re eating more than just ground-up assholes. Pork Molded into a Piglet Is Disgusting and/or Awesome [gizmodo] Thanks to Barry, who has a hard time eating things that are staring back at him. Really? *drawing eyes on ice cream sandwich* …You gonna finish that?

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Thanksgivingless: Pork Pressed Into Shape Of Piglets

This is a parody of an Epic Meal Time episode in the World of Warcraft . They did a pretty good job. Plus at the end there’s a chick with cotton candy hair eating something while making faces. That part was confusing. Actually, it was all confusing. Not gonna lie folks, I’m not very smart. SIKE! I got an 84 on my IQ test — that’s a solid B! *raising the roof* “The test goes to 180 — that’s not very high.” Oh man, I was though . I told them my name was Batman and ate two pencil erasers. Hit the jump for the video.

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World Of Warcraft ‘Epic Meal Time’ Parody

Well done. Get it?! Like meat, yo! This is a meat smoker (”just like you, GW!”) designed and built to look like R2-D2 by Philip Wise (you’re smart — how do magnets work?). The droid was constructed out of an old 55-gallon drum and comes with everything you need to smoke a rack of tauntaun, including, but not just limited to: multiple temperature gauges, a beer bottle opener, and, a feature previously only seen on the Death Star — thermal exhaust ports . Just don’t go trying to stick your proton torpedo in one! “Why not?” Oh I don’t know, maybe because he’ll bu…actually — go for it, champ. “AYOWYOWYOWYOWYOWYOWYOW!” Well — what did you learn? “He wasn’t into it. Don’t think he’s gay like C3PO.” R2-D2 Smoker: May the (BBQ) Sauce Be With You [technabob] Thanks to dax, who’s allegedly tried Ewok before. Like eating or sexually?

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You’re Cookin’ My Meat!: The R2-D2 Smoker

J&D’s, the same company that brought us bacon mayonnaise , bacon lip balm , bacon envelopes and bacon popcorn , is back at it, this time with huffable bacon-flavored oxygen. But, before I go any further, TOMORROW IS APRIL FOOLS’ DAY — don’t let anybody fool you. So on that note, this is probably fake. Oooooooor it could be real. God knows I’ve already seen even crazier shit this week (a stray cat f***ing a dog on a leash). Allegedly the product was inspired by these huffable chocolates and is shipping soon for $9. *reading product site* “95% pure Himalayan oxygen”. FAKE! FAKE AS HALF THE TITS IN HOLLYWOOD. Still, if it turns out not to be you should definitely only use it after igniting the spray. You know, for that authentic smoked bacon flavor. Kidding, I want you to melt your face off. News report and link to iffy product site after the jump. Feel free to fool your friends (they’re all dicks anyways).

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FINALLY — Huffable Meat: J & D’s BaconAir

Jurassic Park better change their lunch menu. In a report that shouldn’t surprise anybody who’s traveled back in time to have sex with them, numerous species of dinosaurs previously thought to be carnivorous may, in fact, have been herbivorous. Pfft, like I haven’t seduced a coelurosaur with a veggie-wrap before. Lindsay Zanno and Peter Makovicky of the Field Museum in Chicago used statistical analysis to conclude that 90 species of theropod dinosaurs ate a plant-based diet, especially among coelurosaurs, the most bird-like dinosaurs. Through their analysis, the researchers found that 44 theropod species distributed across six major lineages ate plants and that the ancestor to most feathered dinosaurs and modern birds had probably already stopped eating meat only during the Cretaceous Period, some 145 million to 65 million years ago. In light of the large number of plant eaters during that period, the carnivorous diet of T Rex, Velociraptor and other meat-eating coelurosaurs should be viewed “more as the exception than the rule,” Dr Zanno said. “It’s time to start seeing these animals in a new evolutionary context,” Dr Zanno said. Not only is it time to start seeing these animals in a new evolutionary context, it’s time to start seeing them naked in my bed. YOU BETTER BRING AT LEAST ONE THIS YEAR, FAT MAN! US paleontologists say most bird-like dinosaurs ate plants [theaustralian] Thanks to Peter, who takes everything these “scientists” say with a grain of salt. Also, the rest of the salt and the margarita it came with.

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TIME TO CHANGE THE HISTORY BOOKS: T-Rex, Raptor Relatives Were Plant Eaters

This is a nativity made entirely out of meat . Okay, and some hash browns and pretzel sticks. I particularly love how all the wise men are wearing tin-foil helmets . Star of Bethlehem: miraculous sign or alien spacecraft . Only baby Jesus knows for sure, and he’s not talking . Not to me anyway. I mean seriously, how much praying to win the lottery is too much praying to win the lottery? “At all”? Woopsie daisy. So awesome [sayuncle] Thanks to Blaqk Panda, who tried to cut corners and use animal crackers for all the nativity beasts and ended up burning his house down.

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Mmmmmmm, Wise Men: The Meat Nativity

Remember ThinkGeek’s fake ‘Canned Unicorn Meat’ April Fools’ product ? Well it turns out they made it into a real product (that consists of a dismembered stuffed-animal unicorn in a can), and German customs isn’t too thrilled people are trying to import it. Per an email received by ThinkGeek: Folks, I just learned that it is not very helpful to describe the “canned unicorn meat” as “canned unicorn meat” on the invoice when trying to import this. Customs get really irritated as it’s supposedly food and meat of a “rare” animal. For the sake of keeping things smooth please label it as “canned unicorn (plush toy)” or something less conspicuous. My delicous unicorn is stuck in customs for almost a week now. Best regards, Ingomar If it’s not wurst, we don’t want it in the country! German sausages aside, who would want to eat a unicorn anyways? Torture them and use their tears in potions, sure, but actually eating them? That’s barbaric. ($2K to the first person to saw off one’s corn, I’m trying to make a love sex potion). ThinkGeek Product Site via ThinkGeek’s “Canned Unicorn Meat” Gag Gift Delayed at German Border as Rare Meat [geekosystem] Thanks to J.D. and Ulri, who both tried griffin burgers but complained they were too gamey for their tastes. Two words: phoenix hot-wings. They’ll blow through their a-holes like fireballs.

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The Other Sparkly Meat: Fake ‘Unicorn Meat’ Product Gets Flagged By German Customs