According to entirely untrustworthy sources , scientists at CERN’s Large Hadron Collider are close to proving the existence of the Higgs Boson, aka ‘God’ particle, the elusive bit of matter responsible for providing objects with mass. Alternatively, they might be even closer to creating a massive black hole and swallowing the entire Milky Way. IMPRESSIVE! (One time I tried downing a Snickers without chewing and nearly choked to death) “ATLAs sees a small excess at a Higgs mass of 126 GeV [Giga electron volts] coming from 3 channels,” CERN scientists wrote on Twitter. Put simply, the scientists have greatly narrowed the area they are studying in the hunt for the Higgs Boson. But Fabiola Gianotti, the scientist in charge of the ATLAS experiment at the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, said the signal they have detected may or may not be the Higgs. “I think it would be extremely kind of the Higgs boson to be here,” she said during the seminar. “But it is too early” for final conclusions, she said. “More studies and more data are needed. The next few months will be very exciting … I don’t know what the conclusions will be.” Okay so I have zero clue what any of that meant, but that’s not what’s important. What IS important is destroying the Large Hadron Collider before they find God’s particle. Have you scientists every considered maybe he doesn’t want it found? Shouldn’t we at least wait until ‘MISSING PARTICLE’ signs start appearing on light poles? “What the — you just want to see if there’s a reward.” ETERNAL LIFE WILL BE MINE! Scientists Close in on ‘God Particle’ [foxnews] Thanks to Regular Josh, tetriz, Mark and Amber, who agree you don’t go looking for a lost dog until you actually know it’s lost, and the same should apply to particles. Amen to that! (Plus bonus God tie-in)

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Scientists Close To Proof Of Higgs Boson ‘God’ Particle

Before a major news outlet misspelled Large Hadron Collider . Thankfully, it was the Telegraph and not a really respectable news source like Geekologie. Because boy would I have been red in the face ! No, no I wouldn’t have been. I would have worn that shit like a badge . A badge of awesome. Now collide those wieners! The Typo We’ve Been Waiting For [gizmodo] Thanks to Liz, who doesn’t even want to know what happens when two giant blimpies collide. Magic, Liz, magic.

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It Was Only A Matter Of Time….

I don’t know, but it doesn’t sound good . I better finish my rocket double-time before this thing goes and swallows up the solar system. WHO’S COMING WITH ME? I have room for three. Plus snacks. Operators of the world’s largest atom smasher on Friday ramped up their massive machine to three times the energy ever previously achieved, in the run-up to experiments probing the secrets of the universe. The European Organization for Nuclear Research, or CERN, said beams of protons circulated at 3.5 trillion electron volts in both directions around the 17-mile tunnel housing the Large Hadron Collider under the Swiss-French border at Geneva. The next major development is expected in a few days when CERN starts colliding the beams in a new round of research to examine the tiniest particles and forces within the atom in hopes of finding out more about how matter is made up. Not to put a damper on your weekend, but we’re all as good as dead. So you know what that means — drink like you’ve never drank before!* *Geekologie accepts no responsibility for alcohol poisoning but will take all the credit if you manage to score some awkward, drunken sex. Atom Smasher Sets 3.5-Trillion Volt Energy Record [foxnews] Thanks to hybridsix, who promises to sabotage the machine with more bread. Smart, hybridsix, way to buy us some time.

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What Does That Even Mean?: Large Hadron Collider "Sets 3.5-Trillion Volt Energy Record"