Because men are constantly on the lookout for something that, if found by another human being, will forever brand them the saddest kind of pervert, somebody designed an iPad case with an integrated Fleshlight holder. For you innocent readers out there, a Fleshlight is a fake vagina. For you not so innocent readers , it’s the thing you bought in multiple colors and textures. So yeah, you watch p0rn and pretend you’re with the girl in the video or picture or whatever. Now my imagination is pretty good, but there is NO WAY my brain would ever let me pretend I was doing anything but having shameful, depressing sex with a $600 tablet and fake vagina. “I keep it real.” My brain, ladies and gentlemen. Also, remind me to never borrow my friend Dave’s iPad again. He told me it was a cupholder! NSFW Fleshlipad: The FleshLight Holder iPad Case Concept of Digital Bliss [obviouswinner] NSFW and NSFW Designer’s Site NSFW Thanks to Yoog and Jordan, who agree this is not what Steve Jobs had in mind. Like, AT ALL.

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A New Low: iPad With Integrated Fleshlight Holder

This is the confusing video of a guy proposing to his girlfriend by holding up a series of highly questionable posters in the window of a restaurant containing memes . Things like the ‘oh crap/OMG rage face’ guy with “marriage scares the f*** outta me!!!” and the ‘f*** that’ guy (Yao Ming) saying “BITCH PLEASE, MARRIAGE IS NOT 4 ME.” What I’m getting at is this 1. romance is dead (brobro killed it) 2. the music they used for the video was the wrong choice and completely took me out of the proposal 3. what the — did you two meet on 4chan? and 5. it is literally BLOWING MY MINE (mine is the new mind FYI) she said yes. Jesus, her biological clock must be ticking like MacGyver cut the wrong wire on a bomb. Hit the jump for the maybe she just said yes for the video.

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Guy Proposes With A Series Of Iffy Meme Posters

This is a “life-size” (~5′8″ if she were standing upright) mural of Samus Aran made from painted Nintendo game cartridges from different systems. It was originally commissioned by used-game retailer JJGames, but now they’re selling it on eBay. Presumably because they realized it looks like shit. Kidding, I’m just saying that to keep bidding down. Or am I? You and I both know this sucks. Hit the jump for some closeups and a link to the auction.

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Samus Aran Mural Made From Game Cartridges

Makers-of-everything-sucky Brando, realizing that a computer mouse without a 1.5″ digital picture of your cubicle mate’s penis (thanks for that, Tony, really ) is practically useless, have started manufacturing and selling ‘USB Optical Mice with Digital Photo Frames’ for $32. It’s a mouse with a digital photo screen. It’s useless. “NOT TRUE!” Hoho, look who it is — that creepy f*** from Pan’s Labyrinth ! Product Site (go on, your mom will love it!) via Brando Mouse with Digital Photo Frame: for Pictures of Your Palm’s Loved Ones [technabob] Thanks to Eric, who just tapes a different analog photo to his mouse every day.

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What Took You So Long?: Finally, A Computer Mouse With Integrated Digital Picture Frame

Note: Video disturbing — dead dancing squid. This is a short video of a very appetizing looking squid bowl that, when soy sauce is applied, begins to dance. It’s disturbing as all f***. Apparently the squid is (possibly) dead though, if that helps you sleep any better at night. Me? I’m vegetarian so I’ll sleep like a baby. “Lightly and waking up every couple hours to eat or cry?” You know it! The basic idea behind the sodium in the soy sauce causing the legs to move has been covered in the comments, but there’s still some question as to whether or not it’s officially “dead” at the time of serving. The brain is probably still in the body, but a significant part of its nervous system, the giant axon, seems to extend into the mantle, which has been cut. I’m not an expert on squids so I can’t really come to a definite conclusion about that. Oh hellllllllllllllllllllll no. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t like my dinner moving around. Lovers, yes. *poking with a stick* HONEY?! Hit the jump and be disturbed.

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The Opposite Of Okay: ‘Dancing Squid Bowl’

The Sense-Roid is a mannequin fitted with sensors connected to a tactile feedback vest worn by a user. That way when you dry-hump the thing you receive the same sensations it does . Creepy as shit! The system is composed of a lay figure with tactile sensors to detect the user’s caressing motion, and a tactile jacket with vibrators and artificial muscles to reflect the caressing motion to the user. As a result, users caress themselves through our Sense-Roid. We believe that this self-caressing experience will enlighten people about the value of caressing. God, whatever happened to crossing your arms around you chest and facing a bank of lockers so everyone thinks you’re making out with someone else? I used to do that all the time in middle school. Unfortunately, in the meantime I’ve grown into a frigid-cold person and really don’t wanna hug myself anymore. Get it? Because I might cut myself on a nip . I’ve got like permanent 9’s on the Mohs hardness scale over here! *spit-polishing* Hit the jump for two very sad videos. Watch the second shorter one for a dude who is like, waaaaaaay into it.

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In Other Forever Alone News: A Tactile Vest That Allows Users To Feel Their Own Hugs

Severed head? Now that’s a VD! In other anatomical news, this is allegedly the skull of Saint Vitalis of Assisi (hoho, your mom was a namby pamby!), the patron saint of venereal diseases . It’s going up for auction soon and I’m going to buy it. Theeeeeeeen wear it around my neck as a talisman to ward off wiener warts. Did I mention in comes in a custom Queen Anne display case? 17th-century craftsmanship, just sayin’! St Vitalis was born in Umbria, Italy, and is said to have lived an immoral and licentious youth. In an attempt to atone for his early sins, he later undertook pilgrimages to shrines throughout Europe, eventually entering the Benedictine monastery at Subiaco. It is said that he wore only rags and shunned all material wealth, with the exception of a basket which he used to fetch water from a nearby stream. He died in 1370, and word of his sanctity soon spread due to reports of numerous miracles performed on those with bladder and genital disorders. Wow, of all the miracles I’d like to perform I can honestly say none involve genital disorders. Sure one might involve turning a tiny-ass wiener into something that drags behind me when I walk, BUT THAT IS IT. Severed head of patron saint of genital disease on sale [bbcnews] Thanks to sean, who allegedly has the head of the patron saint of video games resting on top of his X-Box. Yeaaaaaah, I wouldn’t want that staring at me when I’m trying to play.

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I Will Not Be Outbid!: For Sale, Severed Head Of The Patron Saint Of Venereal Diseases

The Ab-hancer is an (fl)ab-enhancing product from the same a-holes who brought us the Ass-istant and Tricep-tional fat-shapers (I’m grasping at straws here folks. Literally — I’m drunk and there’s like five of them in this giant green cocktail). I’m not even sure this is a real product . I should rephrase that. I’m hoping it’s not even a real product. And not just because if you’re really fat you’re gonna wind up with a sideways 12-pack, but that’s just poor design. Just like the Ass-istant. What good is a product that’s supposed to lift and separate my butt-cheeks if if every time I fart it sounds like an air-raid siren going off? Exaaaaactly — one that’s only fun at parties. HAPPY SAINT PATRICK’S DAY, I’M OUT! The AB Hancer [buzzfeed]

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For That ‘Chiseled From Granite Play-Doh’ Look: The Ab-Hancer Abdominal Enhancer

Period Panties are $12 colored skivvies for ladies to wear while they’re on their monthly emotion-fest so they don’t ruin a pair of frilly lace ones. Or something. Honestly, I don’t know anything about women and only learned last week vaginas aren’t oriented sideways like I always imagined. So yeah, I’m probably the wrong person to ask for stuff like this. For directions, sure, but I am going to send you into the worst part of town I can think of. Which, fun fact: is my neighborhood. Then I’ll follow you on my bike and beat you up and steal your hubcaps. I’MMA SELL ‘EM FOR CRACK! Hit the jump for the two other designs and a link to the product site.

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You Don’t Even Want To Know: Period Panties

This guy got six Pokball tattoos down his arm and the area beneath each stuffed with a subdermal implant to make them all appear 3-D . Not really sure what else to say, except rubbing elbows with him would almost certainly make me queasy. Not unlike eating a can of cat food because you lost a bet to eat a whole bowl of dog food without puking. Gambling problems: I have one. Also, a sore throat and clogged sink. Um, Nice Pokballs [kotaku] Thanks to Stephen, who knows a guy with a tattoo of 3-D boobs on his arm but one of the titty implants migrated to dude’s armpit. LOLWUT?!

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DO NOT WANT TO CATCH ANY: Guy Gets Series Of 3-D Pokball Tattoos On Arms