In sad news, a 17-year old died on Christmas after crashing his car into a telephone pole (rest in peace, buddy). Then, at his funeral a few days later, a 37-year old family “friend” decided to steal the Gameboys others had left for the boy in his casket. Who are you to decide if Gameboys go to heaven or not?! The boy’s uncle, Robert McCombs Jr., approached Bennett after Bennett got in his vehicle and was about to drive away. He asked Bennett about a missing Game Boy. “The defendant told the uncle that he did not have the Game Boy,” according to the affidavit of probable cause. “The uncle then told the defendant that he could see the Game Boy inside the vehicle. The defendant then produced the Game Boy and returned it to the uncle.” As that video system was being returned to the casket, family members noticed that a Game Boy Light and three games were missing. Bennet, according to his aunt, is “into alcohol” and is “just messed up.” Oh yeah? Well Bennet, according to the Geekologie Writer, is “gonna burn in hell” and “spend eternity getting flaming game cartridges stuffed up his ass with a pitchfork”. Just sayin’, the devil’s gettin’ pretty excited about it. Man Allegedly Steals Game Boys from Teenager’s Casket [gawker] and Picture Thanks to ape roc and Agent, who don’t steal from the dead for fear of getting molested by ghosts in the their sleep. Smart thinking, guys.

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Have Fun Burning In Hell, You Jackass: Man Steals Gameboys From Open Casket Funeral

Proving that real vampires aren’t attractive and that Edward Cullen character is just a guy who spends waaaay too much time in the makeup aisle at Target, come these two real-life vampires . Apparently they had some deal worked out with a homeless guy to occasionally suck his blood in return for shelter, but one day Homeless Joe decided he wasn’t having it anymore. And that’s when things got really interesting (like they weren’t already!). Recently, however, Mr Mayley decided that he would take himself off the menu for 24-year-old Aaron Homer and 21-year-old Amanda Williamson, who sometimes let Mr Mayley reside in their property. Unfortunately, the blood-sucking duo was not willing to dine out that evening and the couple attacked Mr Mayley despite his protests. According to reports, instead of allowing Mr Homer and Ms Williamson to feed off his bloodstream, Mr Mayley sought to verbally mock the pair, which was arguably not very sensible in the circumstances. Taking objection to Mr Mayley’s rejection and cruel taunts, Mr Homer is alleged to have armed himself with a knife and viciously stabbed the homeless man. It has been suggested that, in the process of defending his partner’s honour, Mr Homer was keen on acquiring a free lunch. However, the feast was cut short when police officers attended the scene after being called out by concerned firefighters, who were in the neighbourhood on an emergency call and happened to notice a trail of blood outside Mr Homer’s home. Hoooooooly shit! Now I’m not saying the Twilight series is to blame here, but you and I both know it is. How long do you really think a Twihard can go before they start getting curious about blood-glugging? Because I already read one story about a girl making out with her husky pretending it was Jacob, so you know it can’t be long (I bit my brother halfway through the second chapter). Homeless Man Stabbed by ‘Vampires’ [first4lawyers] and Blood-sucking ‘vampires’ arrested for attacking homeless man with knife in Arizona, police say [nydailynews] Thanks to Melissa, who wooden stakes strangers in the heart just to see if they’re vampires. You, uh, do know that’ll kill humans too, right? Just kidding!

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Real Vampires Suck Homeless Man’s Blood

Apparently this Hot Wheels Invisible Jet toy began life as an April Fools’ joke but I don’t remember hearing about it because I don’t even know if I remembered to take my vitamins this morning. At any rate, it became a Comic-Con exclusive and suckers lined up to pay $5 for the empty box (it just looks like there’s a plane inside because of the molded plastic packaging), and now the things are selling like hotcakes on eBay. I swear, people will collect anything . Which reminds me. Hello, Japan? I’m in the market for some — how should I put this — orn-way anties-pay . Huh? Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. WORN PANTIES DAMMIT! YOU’VE GOT EM AND I WANT EM! eBay Listings via Hot Wheels Wonder Woman Invisible Jet Now on eBay [uberreview]

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Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet Toy: All The Rage At Comic-Con, Now On eBay

BrewDog, the Scottish brewery best known for its 32% ABV (alcohol by volume) Tactical Nuclear Penguin beer , is back at it with another beer that not only shatters their previous alcohol content record, but also claims the title of most expensive brew. Introducing ‘The End of History’, a 55% ABV beer that costs $765 per 12oz bottle AND COMES IN ITS OWN TAXIDERMIED KOOZIE. But can you suck the eyes out when you’re finished? The beer is the last high abv beer we are going to brew, the end point of our research into how far the can push the boundaries of extreme brewing, the end of beer. This blond Belgian ale is infused with nettles from the Scottish Highlands and Fresh juniper berries. Only 12 bottles have been made and each comes with its own certificate and is presented in a stuffed stoat or grey squirrel. The striking packaging was created by a very talented taxidermist and all the animals used were road kill. This release is a limited run of 11 bottles, 7 stoats and 4 grey squirrels. Each ones comes with its own certificate of authenticity. Listen, I’m no stranger to drinking out of animal carcasses. As a matter of fact, I’m drinking out of a bear I killed right now. But that’s not the point. The point is this: I think the small intestines might be leaking cause this beer tastes like shit. Hit the jump for a couple more shots and a video the brewery released about the beer.

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Now That’s Classy: World’s Most Expensive Beer Comes In Taxidermied Animal Koozies

Remember that 22-year old chick that was auctioning off her virginity ? Well the winning $3.8 million was placed by an Australian real estate mogul. Unfortunately, he’s bailing out of the deal. Why? His wife won’t let him do it! Natalie Dylan (not her real name) admitted the deal had fallen through. Last week, she got a phone call from the rogue Romeo, a 38-year-old Australian real-estate businessman, who said he had to back out. “I told him to go back into marriage therapy,” sniped Dylan. The Aussie cad then sheepishly asked for his $250,000 deposit back. Dylan said no hard feelings; it would be returned. That’s just like a wife to go and not let her husband bang some 22-year old virgin. I swear, women . ‘DEFLOWER DEAL’ GUY PULLS OUT [nypost] Thanks to 42 y/o undead warlock, who doesn’t have to pay for sex because he creates busty nymphs with his undead warlock powers. Oh oh, make me one!

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Still A Virgin: Sale Of Purity Falls Through