Want to watch an old-ass video of two speds with zero logic and even less knowledge of their source material trying to explain why the Ninja Turtles and other cartoons lead to the occult ? Well you’re in luck! Mr. Beard and Mr. Mullet are here to help explain how the Ninja Turtles are led by a rat named Splinter who uses white magic (”like in Star Wars”) to battle black magic . Actually sounds like a positive message, right? WRONG. Because the use of ANY sort of magic is offensive to their Christian beliefs. What the — the Ninja Turtles never used f***ing magic! They go on to denounce The Simpsons for a potentially gay character. What would Jesus do? NOT THIS. Also, for two guys who hate the Ninja Turtles so bad you sure bought the shit out of some merchandise. Damn, growing up I would have killed for a birthday party like that. “See?! That’s the occult talking!” God, I was kidding bro. But I did try cutting my little brother and performing a ritual. Hit the jump for four minutes of two dudes with secret anime fetishes.

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Crime-Fighting Vigilantes, OR GATEWAY TO SATANISM?

Picture related…enough. A 50-year old Croatian man has been arrested after seeking medical help to remove a live 11-cm anti-aircraft shell from his butt after getting it stuck up there during a sex game. The deadliest sex game. You…have been hanging out with a bad crowd. After the doctors removed the 11cm long shell, it was handed over to a member of the police anti-explosives unit, the paper said. A Zagreb police spokesman confirmed the incident but would not give any details as the authorities are still investigating. If other illegal weapons are found in the man’s home, he could face criminal charges. Oh they’re gonna find some more illegal weapons alright. If you think for one second a guy who plays anti-aircraft butt bomber or whatever doesn’t sleep with the ring-pin of a live grenade around his wiener, you’re crazy as he is (but only half the sexual deviant). Croat man risks charges after explosive sex game [straitstimes] Thanks to Daniel and Samuel L., who wonder if he started with buckshot and musket balls and worked his way up or if he just went straight for the gusto.

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Man Arrested After Getting Anti-Aircraft Shell Stuck In Keister During Sex Game

Seen here looking exactly how I’d imagine the homemade guillotine constructed by a homeless man in the woods would look like, the bum-built guillotine responsible for severing its maker’s arm pauses for a photo op. *holding up camera* Over here, over here — by the deer skull nailed to a tree! Police say the guillotine unexpectedly dropped on the man’s shoulder Thursday at makeshift camp where he was living. The man ran to a nearby medical clinic, leaving the his arm behind. Officers checked a wooded area near the clinic and discovered the man’s camp. At the location, officers found the guillotine and severed arm. Officers say the guillotine was constructed out of 2 by 6 by at least 12-feet tall timbers that the man found by scavenging the local area. Now I’m not saying a homeless man living in the woods with a homemade guillotine is obviously up to no good, but…yes, yes I am. It’s probably good he cut that arm off when he did. Man Loses Arm in Freak Homemade Guillotine Accident [fox40] Thanks to syccness, who wants to know how many squirrels ol’ One-arm put through that thing.

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Of Course He Did: Idiot Moron Accidentally Cuts Off Own Arm With Homemade Guillotine

43-year old Robert Jeffrey Young (43 isn’t really that young, bro) and Mark Rubinson, 25, went to pick up their “friend” Jeffrey Jarrett for a guy’s night out on the town. Only thing is, Jeffrey was dead . So what did they do? Loaded his blue ass into the back of their car and went out anyways! His treat. [The two men found Jerrett] unresponsive at his house late on Aug. 27, before loading him into Rubinson’s car and taking him to a local bar and grill, where they drank on his tab. They then went to another bar, before returning Jarrett’s body to his home and continuing their night out using their dead friend’s ATM card to withdraw money. On their way home, they flagged down a cop and told him they thought their friend was dead at his house. Wait — YOU LEFT HIM IN THE CAR?! But what if he wanted to mack on some honeys? What the hell’s the purpose of bringing him if you’re not even gonna tie strings around his hands and make him dance like a real-life marionette?! You know you could have just taken his ATM card and left him at home. Also, anybody’s whose first reaction to a dead friend is “let’s load him in the car and go boozing” and not “scream and pass out” scares the hell out of me. Denver Men Accused of Taking Friend’s Corpse on Boys’ Night Out [foxnews] Thanks to Thaylor, who doesn’t even want to find a frienemy dead.

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Good Friends: Guys Find Friend Dead, Play ‘Weekend At Bernies’ IRL To Drink On His Tab

Now this…this is a fancy television. Because nukes don’t pay for themselves no matter how many times you insist you only brought enough cash for your own meal, North Korean operatives (if you can call a person involved in farming MMORPG points 24/7 an ‘operative’) have been infiltrating South Korean MMORPGs, racking up in-game gold/points, then selling them on the black market to fund Kim Jong Il’s nuclear program. LOLWUT?! Teams of farmers work around the clock from a base in Northern China. The Times says they have earned over $6 million for their efforts, over half of which has been delivered to North Korean agents in the captial of Pyongyang. Western sources believe the money generated through these activities is used to help fund North Korea’s nuclear program and Kim Jong-il’s lavish lifestyle Wait a minute — I’M a western source and I never said it was funding a nuclear program, did I? I didn’t. Do you remember what I said it was funding? “Yeah — a secret moonbase or some shit.” Exactly. Thankfully, I’ve seen a similar Bond movie so I know what to do. Report: North Korea’s Kim Jong-il Is Running MMO Gold Farming Racket [gameinformer] Thanks to Matty Veets, who farms and sells WoW gold to fund pizza and beer.

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North Korean Hackers Farming MMORPG ‘Gold’ To Fund Kim Jong Il’s Nuclear Program

When it comes to proposing marriage to that special someone , I can think of at least ten better ways to do it than Facebook status update . At least eight of which involve wearing a clown mask and jumping out of a linen closet. Still, with society living more and more of their lives online, I can’t say I’m surprised. But I can say I’m disappointed. WoW raid proposal or GTFO! Facebook Marriage Proposal [buzzfeed] and Geekologie’s Facebook Fanpage Thanks to Caroline, who wants to be proposed to the old fashioned way: through a marriage arranged by her parents. Wait, what?!?!

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So Romantic: Facebook Marriage Proposal

In sad news, a 17-year old died on Christmas after crashing his car into a telephone pole (rest in peace, buddy). Then, at his funeral a few days later, a 37-year old family “friend” decided to steal the Gameboys others had left for the boy in his casket. Who are you to decide if Gameboys go to heaven or not?! The boy’s uncle, Robert McCombs Jr., approached Bennett after Bennett got in his vehicle and was about to drive away. He asked Bennett about a missing Game Boy. “The defendant told the uncle that he did not have the Game Boy,” according to the affidavit of probable cause. “The uncle then told the defendant that he could see the Game Boy inside the vehicle. The defendant then produced the Game Boy and returned it to the uncle.” As that video system was being returned to the casket, family members noticed that a Game Boy Light and three games were missing. Bennet, according to his aunt, is “into alcohol” and is “just messed up.” Oh yeah? Well Bennet, according to the Geekologie Writer, is “gonna burn in hell” and “spend eternity getting flaming game cartridges stuffed up his ass with a pitchfork”. Just sayin’, the devil’s gettin’ pretty excited about it. Man Allegedly Steals Game Boys from Teenager’s Casket [gawker] and Picture Thanks to ape roc and Agent, who don’t steal from the dead for fear of getting molested by ghosts in the their sleep. Smart thinking, guys.

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Have Fun Burning In Hell, You Jackass: Man Steals Gameboys From Open Casket Funeral

Proving that real vampires aren’t attractive and that Edward Cullen character is just a guy who spends waaaay too much time in the makeup aisle at Target, come these two real-life vampires . Apparently they had some deal worked out with a homeless guy to occasionally suck his blood in return for shelter, but one day Homeless Joe decided he wasn’t having it anymore. And that’s when things got really interesting (like they weren’t already!). Recently, however, Mr Mayley decided that he would take himself off the menu for 24-year-old Aaron Homer and 21-year-old Amanda Williamson, who sometimes let Mr Mayley reside in their property. Unfortunately, the blood-sucking duo was not willing to dine out that evening and the couple attacked Mr Mayley despite his protests. According to reports, instead of allowing Mr Homer and Ms Williamson to feed off his bloodstream, Mr Mayley sought to verbally mock the pair, which was arguably not very sensible in the circumstances. Taking objection to Mr Mayley’s rejection and cruel taunts, Mr Homer is alleged to have armed himself with a knife and viciously stabbed the homeless man. It has been suggested that, in the process of defending his partner’s honour, Mr Homer was keen on acquiring a free lunch. However, the feast was cut short when police officers attended the scene after being called out by concerned firefighters, who were in the neighbourhood on an emergency call and happened to notice a trail of blood outside Mr Homer’s home. Hoooooooly shit! Now I’m not saying the Twilight series is to blame here, but you and I both know it is. How long do you really think a Twihard can go before they start getting curious about blood-glugging? Because I already read one story about a girl making out with her husky pretending it was Jacob, so you know it can’t be long (I bit my brother halfway through the second chapter). Homeless Man Stabbed by ‘Vampires’ [first4lawyers] and Blood-sucking ‘vampires’ arrested for attacking homeless man with knife in Arizona, police say [nydailynews] Thanks to Melissa, who wooden stakes strangers in the heart just to see if they’re vampires. You, uh, do know that’ll kill humans too, right? Just kidding!

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Real Vampires Suck Homeless Man’s Blood

Apparently this Hot Wheels Invisible Jet toy began life as an April Fools’ joke but I don’t remember hearing about it because I don’t even know if I remembered to take my vitamins this morning. At any rate, it became a Comic-Con exclusive and suckers lined up to pay $5 for the empty box (it just looks like there’s a plane inside because of the molded plastic packaging), and now the things are selling like hotcakes on eBay. I swear, people will collect anything . Which reminds me. Hello, Japan? I’m in the market for some — how should I put this — orn-way anties-pay . Huh? Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. WORN PANTIES DAMMIT! YOU’VE GOT EM AND I WANT EM! eBay Listings via Hot Wheels Wonder Woman Invisible Jet Now on eBay [uberreview]

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Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet Toy: All The Rage At Comic-Con, Now On eBay

BrewDog, the Scottish brewery best known for its 32% ABV (alcohol by volume) Tactical Nuclear Penguin beer , is back at it with another beer that not only shatters their previous alcohol content record, but also claims the title of most expensive brew. Introducing ‘The End of History’, a 55% ABV beer that costs $765 per 12oz bottle AND COMES IN ITS OWN TAXIDERMIED KOOZIE. But can you suck the eyes out when you’re finished? The beer is the last high abv beer we are going to brew, the end point of our research into how far the can push the boundaries of extreme brewing, the end of beer. This blond Belgian ale is infused with nettles from the Scottish Highlands and Fresh juniper berries. Only 12 bottles have been made and each comes with its own certificate and is presented in a stuffed stoat or grey squirrel. The striking packaging was created by a very talented taxidermist and all the animals used were road kill. This release is a limited run of 11 bottles, 7 stoats and 4 grey squirrels. Each ones comes with its own certificate of authenticity. Listen, I’m no stranger to drinking out of animal carcasses. As a matter of fact, I’m drinking out of a bear I killed right now. But that’s not the point. The point is this: I think the small intestines might be leaking cause this beer tastes like shit. Hit the jump for a couple more shots and a video the brewery released about the beer.

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Now That’s Classy: World’s Most Expensive Beer Comes In Taxidermied Animal Koozies