Now I know what you’re wondering, “WTF SORT OF SORCERY SHITTERY IS THIS?” And I’m right there with you. As a matter of fact, we’re holding hands . No, no we’re not. But I am trying to inconspicuously touch your butt with my leg. “You’re that guy from the bus!” FUFUFUFUUUUUUUU!! *pulling wire to get off at next stop* BEHRINGER, award-winning innovator of affordable professional audio and music equipment, is excited to announce the launch of the Eurosound consumer electronics brand — concert quality sound at an amazing value. To celebrate the launch, BEHRINGER will unveil the iNuke Boom, the loudest iPod and iPhone dock you’ve ever heard at CES 2012. The $29,999.99 monster speaker system measures a whopping 8 feet wide by 4 feet tall, weighs over 700 pounds and pumps out over 10,000 Watts of power. First of all, nobody wants or needs an 8′ x 4′, 700-lb boombox. You’ll never be able to carry that on one shoulder. Secondly, why the f*** did you name the new brand Eurosound? Is there something special about the sound in Europe? Because one time I backpacked across the entire country and it sounded pretty normal to me. “Europe isn’t a country.” And I don’t own a backpack! Press Release via Get Giant Sound With Giant iNuke Boom [incrediblethings] Thanks to Princess Yumyum, who will help me build you a custom giant iPhone dock that fits your house perfectly AND FOR THE HALF THE PRICE. Jk jk, but we will steal everything that isn’t bolted down and make out in your shower (if it’s a walk-in).

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10,000-Watt iPhone Boombox Is The Size Of A Room

As every blog and news site everywhere has already reported ( including Boing Boing ), the definitive biography of the late Steve Jobs, by Walter Isaacson , is out today. Actually, it’s out today in paper , but was released yesterday for download via Amazon and iTunes . I’m willing to bet it breaks some sort of download sales record. Last night’s edition of the CBS news magazine 60 Minutes was devoted entirely, 100%, to stories on Jobs and his products . As Mike Godwin noted on Twitter , Steve Kroft asks during the segment how Jobs, “who dropped LSD and marijuana,” goes off to India and returns to become a businessman. LOL @ “dropping marijuana.” The show sure does know their demo. At least they didn’t say he smoked acid. Snarking aside, the 60 Minutes pieces are worth watching. Here’s part 1 , here’s part 2 , and here’s 3 (!), on iPad apps for autism. In other news this week, Obama says we’re bringing troops home from Iraq, and Qaddafi’s dead. Related : Dan Lyons, former Fake Steve Jobs, on the backlash .

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Steve Jobs bio out early for downloads; "60 Minutes" devotes entire episode to book

But I wasn’t! Multi-Touch For the second time, Apple was denied a trademark for the term ‘ multi-touch ‘ by the US Patent and Trademark Office after the Appeal Board upheld the original rejection. God, move on bro — she doesn’t want you! For trademarks, “the greater the degree of descriptiveness the term has, the heavier the burden to prove it has attained secondary meaning.” The trademark attorney pointed out that the term “multitouch” has taken on generic meaning, being used by a wide variety of publications to describe the touchscreen technology on Android phones, tablets, and notebooks. Awwww, don’t cry Apple. You and I both know you were just being greedy anyways. You know what you need to do? Come up with an ever cooler term to describe your multi-touch and trademark that. Fingergangbang. Also, that wasn’t free Holler at my Paypal, son! Apple Denied Trademark for Multi-Touch [macrumors] Thanks to Mitchel and Dan, who both claim they’ve multi-touched hooters before but I suspect Dan’s only brushed up against one with an elbow by accident (it’s cool, I know him IRL).

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REJECTED: Apple’s ‘Multi-Touch’ Trademark

Note: This is only a small, unreadable portion of the infographic, click HERE to see the whole thing in stunning 3-D. Fine, FINE — 2-D . This is an infographic all about Apple . I thought it was pretty interesting. And by pretty interesting I mean I would have been just as excited if it were about the fruit. Mmmm, love those things with a little peanut butter . Pears too! Anyway, I didn’t even have to look at the financials (and I probably never will) to know I want a piece of that. A piece of that pie . That Apple pie. See what I did there? “Shamed yourself?” Exactly. Apple By Numbers [techi] Thanks to Brettmucker, who knows four apples a day will not only keep the doctor away, they’ll help attract horses.

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Give It To Me Straight, How Many To Keep The Doctor Away?: Apple By The Numbers

Have a bunch of obsolete Apple products sitting around collecting dust? Trade them for gold ! Gold For Macs accepts iPods , MacBooks and everything in between and sends you cold hard cash gold in return. I just sent them 40 Dells with Apple stickers over the logo! Am I a genius or what? I am. I was also the first one to melt cheese in Ramen noodles. Youtube Thanks to Michael, whose friends made the video and shouldn’t be allowed to make any more. Kidding guys, go for it.

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Let’s Make A Deal: Gold For Macs Commercial

This is a little graphic charting the progress in music storage. It’s part of a larger graphic which also includes the evolutions of photo and data storage. Click THIS BIG-ASS LINK RIGHT HERE to see the whole thing. But warning: prepare to be wowed. Or at least moderately impressed with how far we’ve come. Now let’s put a man on the moon ! Or a cat. Oh. My. God — SPACE FURBABIES — WANT!! Man, We’ve Come a Long Way From Floppies [gizmodo]

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Don’t Copy That Floppy!: Evolution Of Storage

Apple just released an updated iPod Nano which features a bigger screen, 640 x 480 video recording, voice recording, and FM radio capabilities. As usual, they come in all sorts of fun colors so you can match your media player to your eyes (Chinese girls do not come with green eyes — anybody?!). 8 giggers cost $150 and 16 bangers $180. Is it worth an extra $30 to double your storage? You be the judge. I’ll play the bailiff! Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Good, now where were you last night around 10PM? Because I was peeking in your bedroom window but you weren’t theeeeere! Product Site Thanks to Kamaren, smith and Todd, who still carry record players BECAUSE THEY’RE OLDSCHOOL LIKE THAT. I swear, you guys are so fresh.

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Are We Having Fun Yet?: New iPod Nano Shoots Video, Voice Records, FM Radios

In case you haven’t heard already, Norah Jones was the surprise musical guest at the Apple announcement this morning. I love her red guitar, the black roses on her guitar strap, and the red heels. So classy.

The rest is here:
It’s only rock and roll with Norah Jones

Here are a few pics of Steve Jobs announcing the new Nano and its sweet new features at this morning’s Apple event, taken with my G10. (Not bad for a point-and-shoot!) This is what the Genius Mixes will look like. This was from a demo of the new video camera on the Nano. The resolution is awesome, but a quick hands-on after the announcement revealed what in my opinion is a pretty big design flaw — the camera is right behind the control pad, which means you really have to make an effort not to cover the lens with your fingers while shooting. This is a screen shot from a new ad, which you’ll probably see on TV soon.

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Photos of Steve Jobs and his new Nano

It’s that time again, one of those rare few days of the year when all gadget bloggers leave their home offices and head out to downtown San Francisco to bask in the excitement that is… an Apple event! This year, I’ll be joining the flock too, congregating with the rest to see what’s in store. Our heads are filled with important questions that will only be answered in the secret no-video-allowed conference room in the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts between 10 and 11am — Will the original iPod go extinct? What will the new Nano look like? Could this be the debut of the enigmatic tablet? Will Steve Jobs make a comeback? Who could the musical guest possibly be at an event titled It’s Only Rock and Roll ? And perhaps most importantly, who will live blog the fastest? Will it be Gizmodo or Engadget or Ars or GDGT or…. well, it definitely won’t be us, because we’re not live blogging it, but I will be live-Tweeting the important details — plus some random trivia, factoids, and observations on the whole fiasco — from ground zero. So keep up-to-date by following me on Twitter or checking back here for updates to this post. Join me as the mysteries unfold — it’s gonna be fun! Follow our live-Tweetage of the Apple event

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BBG’s Live-Tweeting the Apple Event today