Note: The additional (high-res) shots of the facility can be seen HERE , HERE and HERE . These are super-secret spy shots taken from inside Apple’s $100 million iPhone testing facility. Okay so they’re not actually secret, Apple released them today . Unless you wanna pretend they’re super-secret spy shots, in which case that spy was me and I did that shit James Bond style plus a bunch of voluptuous-ass womens afterward. No, no I didn’t either. I accidentally shot myself in the leg Plaxico Burress style and was propositioned by a toothless whore on the bus ride to Cupertino. Me being a much classier version of Bond aside, it’s sad as shit when your $100 million testing facility releases a phone that loses its signal when you hold it wrong. Just sayin’, you could have tested that shit in my closet. Apple’s Antenna Design and Test Labs [apple] Thanks to the blue batter, Christopher and Jessica, who all have assistants who hold their phones for them and won’t hesitate to fire them if they drop a call (or the phone in a toilet).

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No Cameras Beyond This Point: A Peak Inside Apple’s $100 Million iPhone Testing Facility

Apparently air traffic control at Xiaoshan Airport in China spotted a UFO on radar and was forced to divert flights until E.T. phoned the f*** home. Arcing over Zhejiang’s provincial capital Hangzhou, the UFO appeared to glow with an eerie white light and left a bright trail in its wake. Stunned witnesses reported seeing a comet-like fireball in the sky and a number of local residents took photos of the strange ball of light. ‘The thing suddenly ran westwards fast, like it was escaping from something,’ he said. Running from something is right. It’s called US. “This planet is a shithole, lets GTFO and hit that titty bar.” “The Milky Way?” “You know it, brotha — high-tentacle!” Chinese airport closed after fiery UFO is spotted flying over city [dailymail] Thanks to Romeo, Jordan and Peter Pan > Jiff, who would have PEWed that sucker out of sky, full-nelsoned those alien scumbags, and beat the secrets of the universe out of their bug-eyed brains.

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Airport Closes After UFO Spotted In China

You know what the problem with sandwiches is? They’re too hard to transport. What they need to do is invent specially-sized bags to tote them around in. Oh they’ve got those? WHERE THE F*** HAVE I BEEN?! Anyway, if you’re too lazy to make a sandwich or worry your canned Coke will flatten it in your Alf lunchbox, there’s Candwiches. Canwiches are canned sandwiches (NOT CHEESEBURGERS ) and come in PB&Strawberry J, PB&Grape J, and Barbecued Chicken flavors. I’m gonna get one of each and mush them all together! Then vomit! In related news, a major financier is being sued for fraud after collecting moneys to invest in commercial real-estate loans, only to turn around and invest in Canwiches instead. Can you blame him? These things are gonna explode on the market! Possibly from botulism. In all, Travis L. Wright raised $145 million from 175 investors between 2001 and 2009, according to the suit. He only invested $6 million in the kinds of things he said he would be investing in, the SEC says. Wright also spent $15 million of investors’ money for his own expenses, according to the lawsuit. Among other things, he bought a house formerly owned by an unnamed pro basketball player. And he paved his driveway using cobblestones imported from France. Oh man, wait till those investors get their hands on him. They’re gonna open a Candwich of whoop-ass on that bastard. Possibly even a six-pack. You hear me, Travis? You gonna be eating Candwiches through a straw! Product Site and Sandwich-In-A-Can Financier Sued For Fraud [npr] Thanks to Mike, who’s trying to convince me to invest in his canned mashed potato business. Hmmm, I dunno.

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OM NOM NOM!: Candwich Canned Sanwiches

This is an artist’s rendition (INVENT A TIME MACHINE ALREADY, GOD! ) of Leviathan melvillei , a 12-million year old sperm whale that used to snack on other whales thanks to it’s powerful jaws and foot-long teeth . ZOMG — imagine the damage you could do at In-N-Out with those things! “This is a pretty exciting discovery,” says Erich Fitzgerald, a vertebrate paleontologist at Museum Victoria in Melbourne, Australia. Leviathan represents “one thing we don’t have in the oceans today — a macropredator, a hypercarnivorous whale.” Modern sperm whales feed largely on invertebrates such as giant squid, but have been known to feed on fish and other creatures as well. The extremely robust, deeply-rooted structure of Leviathan’s teeth strongly suggests that the creature fed on large, presumably struggling bony prey like sharks do. The whale was named in honor of Herman Melville, the author of Moby-Dick , which, no lie, was actually based on ancient tales (I’m like thousands of years old) of my white whale. So technically it should be called Leviathan gwmegapeen , but I’ll let it slide. JUST THIS ONCE. Ancient Whale + Killer Shark = Hypercarnivorous Whale [wired] Thanks to Mr Geek, Christian, Matty, Grace, Jennaiii, Divo, and Sam K, who would have trained the whales to be ridden and looted Atlantis.

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Suck It, Kraken!: Giant Whale Eating Whale

Looks cool. Get it? Refrigerator joke! Anyway, this is Yuriy Dmitriev’s conceptual fridge of the future . OMG it’s made out of Slimer. So, what is that stuff? The Electrolux blog — which lists Dmitriev’s concept as one of 25 semifinalists for this year’s Electrolux Design Lab contest — describes it as a “biopolymer gel,” or more specifically a “non-sticky, odorless gel.” You simply plunge whatever you want to keep fresh into the mass of your Bio Robot fridge and it’ll stay where you left it until you come back. I, for one, am all for it (minus the name). And not just because I want to mush my penis in there and pretend I’m makin’ love to the Ice Queen, but you know I’m gonna. And she better not burn my hotdog the way she does the ice cream. Hit the jump for one more shot explaining the thing.

Excerpt from:
But It Looks So Cool!: The Fridge Of The Future, Today Tomorrow Probably Never

If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s being awake. Last night I dreamed I went to a Korean karaoke bar that also had a giant buffet set up on pool tables . I kept going for the miniature hotdogs on hamburger buns but none of them were vegetarian. Any idea what that means? I’m gay?! Cool that’s what my dreambook said too. Anyway, Pillow Ties are inflatable neckties you can use to nap comfortably in the middle of business meetings. They cost $20 and come in a million different designs. Me? I got a paisley one and then blew it up and stuffed it down my pants. Hell yeah, business casual! Official Site Thanks to SomerTime, who just uses her purse.

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Screw It, I’m Taking A Nap: The Pillow Tie

This is an Australian wind farm that, when viewed from above, looks suspiciously like a bunch of USB cables . What’s up with that?! Now I’m not saying this proves my conspiracy theory about the Australian government being infiltrated by aliens so they can use the continent as a docking station for their USB-powered space ships, but I think the photo speaks for itself. And — not to brag or anything, but I DO live in a giant Monster brand HDMI connector. Suck it, peasants! Google Maps and Giant USB Spaghetti Cable Monster Invades Australia [gizmodo] Thanks to GuamOtoko and Blaqk Panda, who both live in giant 3 inch floppy drives.

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Google Maps Spots Australian USB Farm

Geekologie would be that crack rock, son. GET. IN. MUH. BRAIN. Internet Vices [patrickmoberg] (with several others) via The Internet, Conveniently Defined Through Drugs and Alcohol [gizmodo] Thanks to Erik, who thinks Geekologie would be more like heroin but without the withdrawal. WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO WITHDRAWAL? You’re dead to me, junkie.

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What If: Popular Websites Were Drugs?

Note: Video is after the jump for fear of accidentally FATALITY-ING your ass all over the front page. This is a video making its way around the interwebs that appears to be an 8-minute trailer for an upcoming Mortal Kombat movie. BUT THAT AIN’T THE CASE. It’s actually believed to be some viral marketing for a new Mortal Kombat game . But is it? I have no idea. It is incredibly well made though. Plus Reptile eats people’s heads. Sick! Kidding, it’s not any worse than a dog licking it’s own a-hole. *ahem* CHLOE! Gimme kissies. Eight minutes of worthwhile billable time awaits you after the jump. FINISH IT!

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WTF Did I Just Watch: Mortal Kombat: Rebirth

Note: Video is after the jump because the background music is kinda depressing and I didn’t want to bring everybody down on the main page. This is a video documenting the lives of four World of Warcraft players as portrayed by their avatars as the go about their day-to-day activities . It’s really artfully done. Not unlike the nude shots I just had taken. Kidding, those were pure smut. This is short film directed by Gavin Kelly we worked on a while ago called “Avatar Days”. What makes this one special is the fact that it was filmed, vfx’ed and comped all in just 4 days. It was made as part of the “4 day Film” catagory in the Darklight Film Festival. It follows 4 MMORPG players taking about their online persona’s. As they tell their stories we see them go about their everyday lives against the mundane backdrop of city life…but as their Avatars. Cool, now they just need to make a movie about me and my avatar. Just sayin’, you ever seen a Link lookalike stare at a computer 14 hours a day? SUMMER. F***ING. BLOCKBUSTER. Hit it for the video.

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Peoples’ World Of Warcraft Avatars In Real Life