In case you’ve been living in a cave for the past several months (tell me — on a scale from 1 to 10 how robot-proof is it?), Congress is trying to push some legislation through the system THAT WILL CHANGE THE FACE OF INTERNET AS WE KNOW IT. And not in a good way like to a Brad Pitt or George Clooney face, in a bad way like to Sloth from Goonies . No bueno! Gizmodo has a really nice layman’s terms article explaining the bill and its effects HERE , which is definitely worth a read if you’re not familiar with WTF is going on. Then, after you’re filled with enough rage at the stodgy old gasbags pushing this shit, you can go HERE , HERE or HERE to write your congressperson and tell them you didn’t elect them to side with their ball-tickling cohorts in big business. But don’t say it like that. Try to say it more eloquently. Oooooooor just use one of the form-factor emails. However you do it, please, LET YOUR INTERNET-LOVING VOICE BE HEARD. This is my livelihood we’re talking about!

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We Didn’t Order That!: The Stop Online Piracy Act

Because the government doesn’t want you to run me over on my walk to the bar, the National Transportation Safety Board is encouraging all states to adopt stricter bans on the use of cell phones while driving . And while they’re at it they should do something about the guy I saw drive by the other day with his foot on the dash CUTTING HIS F***ING TOENAILS. I say arrest that man! So far 30 of the 50 states have some kind of ban in place, but the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) is worried that a patchwork of rules for each state is too confusing, so they have introduced their own recommendations. They say states should ban all handheld portable electronics, except those involved directly with operating the car such as GPS units. Cellphones used with hands-free devices would still be allowed, as would calls made to report emergencies. Pfft, what call ISN’T an emergency for the person making it? OMG Derek listen — the guy in the car next to me is masturbating. That or peeling potatoes. Either way I’m gonna try to take a picture as soon as I get off the phone with you. Wanna watch me play some Skyrim when I get home? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU SOLD MY PLAYSTATION TO BUY A MAIL ORDER BRIDE?! Well can we share her? Because if you use that money that technically makes her half mine. Feds want all states to ban cellphone use while driving [dvice] Thanks to Chris and rallaz, who don’t text and drive because they know if I catch them I’ll get in front and then slam on the brakes.

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Gubment Wants All States To Adopt Phone Driving Ban

Because the government knows something we don’t and isn’t telling us, the first nationwide test of the emergency broadcast system is slated to go down at 2PM eastern today, simultaneously playing on all entertainment outlets (sans internet). OMG — cut into my One Life to Live and you’re gonna have a real f***ing emergency on your hands! The 30-second test, to be overseen by the Federal Emergency Management Agency and the Federal Communications Commission, will run on radio, satellite radio and TV stations in all 50 states and U.S. territories. It will include alert “beeps” and the words “This is a test.” Here’s how FEMA explains it: We need to know that the system will work as intended should public safety officials ever need to send an alert or warning to a large region of the United States. Only a complete test of the Emergency Alert System can help us identify any changes and improvements needed to modernize this system and make it fully accessible. Any guesses what the government is keeping from us? Because it’s gonna look mighty suspicious when the government tests the emergency broadcast system nationwide for the first time today and then aliens attack on Thanksgiving. I expect they’ll strike when we’re all doped up on turkey. FEMA to test nationwide emergency alert system at 2 p.m. ET [usatoday] Thanks to Allison, who asks, “do you remember where you were when the US tested the emergency broadcast system nationwide for the first time?” F*** no, I was at work staring at a computer screen like a normal person!

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Something Bad’s Gonna Happen!: US To Test First Nationwide Use Of Emergency Broadcast System

The US government , best known for doing everything in its power keep the general populace in the dark about anything of interest, has issued a statement claiming no knowledge of aliens or any coverups related to extraterrestrial life. Oh, real cool gubment — LYING STRAIGHT TO MY SAGGY MAN-TITS. These petitions were sparked by an Obama administration initiative called “We the People.” Initially, the White House said staffers would respond and consider taking action on any issue that received at least 5,000 online signatures within 30 days. The requirement has since been raised to 25,000 signatures. “The U.S. government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race,” Phil Larson from the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy reported on the WhiteHouse.gov website.”In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public’s eye.” The Paradigm Research Group, one of the organizations promoting the petitions, said that the response by a “low-level staffer” was unacceptable and that it would begin a new petition campaign. Ahahahhahaha @ “low-level staffer”. Phil Larson is a real person with real feelings you know. There’s no question he’s read this, and what did you do? YOU HURT HIM. Would you have been happier if they reanimated Roosevelt and Eisenhower’s bodies and had him write the report? Because the government can do that too. White House: There’s no sign of E.T. or UFO cover-up [msnbc] Thanks to rob, Brianna and Preacher62, who agree there’s definitely something the government isn’t telling us: everything.

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ALL LIES: Government Denies Knowledge Of Exterrestial Life Or Any Related Coverups

Note: The high-res versions of the landing sites are HERE (Apollo 12), HERE (Apollo 14) and HERE (Apollo 17). You know how your grandma is still convinced the moon landing never happened and it was all faked by Hollywood ? She’s a smart lady, I can see where you get it from. This is a series of high-res photos from NASA showing the Apollo 12, 14 and 17 landing sites and the imprints left by humanity there. Granted they were all faked in the Photoshop building at Area 54, but they’re still fun to look at. So yeah, if you don’t like them you should probably consider take a long walk off a short pier into the sea. “Of Tranquility?!” Dude — you should f***ing blog. Hit the jump for a couple videos because videos are worth a thousand pictures or something. At least a hundred.

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You Can Even See The Tire Tracks!: NASA’s High-Res Pictures The Apollo Landing Sites

Seen here looking suspiciously like the Batamaran (see what I did there? I combined bat and catamaran) I drew for part of my Bat-fan fiction (I’m doing it again!) graphic novel, Juliet Marine’s ‘Ghost’ stealth boat makes an appearance off the coast of New England. It floats on a layer of gas generated beneath it to reduce friction and cruise faster, up to 60MPH. Unless an engine’s leaking, then it floats on a layer of oil and dead birds. :/ Gregory Sancoff, president and chief executive officer of Juliet Marine, said the U.S. government is interested and his company is working with a defense contractor to build a 150-foot model. The friction reducing gas technology, called supercavitation, works by generating a low-pressure zone around the ship’s surface. The Ghost keeps a low radar profile the same way stealth planes do, by making the radar waves bounce off of its surface. Admittedly, I would captain one of those. And, okay, probably straight into a pier. Get it? Because it’s so stealth . I f***ing forgot I was even driving a boat! “Stealth” Boat Could Revolutionize Naval Warfare [nbcnews] Thanks to Jeff and Ferris, who agree the stealthiest boat isn’t a boat at all — it’s a sub. $5 footlongs FTW.

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Look Out Batboat, There’s A New Stealth Boat In Town! (Or, Okay, International Waters)

Because what could be safer than a base full of autonomous robots doing whatever the f*** they want, whenever the f*** they want, the Army is considering building them one. And me? Well, I’m considering strapping myself to a homemade rocket and blowing up on the launchpad. GW the human firework, everybody! The purpose would be to pile up as many operating hours as possible and resolve the “trust and confidence” issues that have prevented such systems from proliferating on battlefields, Bob Quinn, vice president of unmanned systems at QinetiQ North America said at the Association for Unmanned Vehicle Systems International conference in Washington, D.C. Currently, most battlefield ground robots are tele-operated, meaning they require someone to control the system from a stand-off distance. This method is labor intensive. Researchers have been developing software that would allow the machines to operate more freely, and take the workload off of troops. [Major General Walter R.] Davis said part of the cultural acceptance for robots will be the acknowledgment that accidents are going to happen. There could be injuries, or worse. How many such incidents can decision-makers tolerate? “They will fail to properly function at some point,” Davis said. Did you hear that? It said people will die . Well, it didn’t just come right out and say that, but that’s what it meant. The government’s like that, you know. Saying one thing but actually meaning another. That is like, the number one thing governments do. Trust me, I was a political science major. “Seriously?” No, but I did fail a paleontology course for stealing bones. A Base to Call Their Own? Army Considers Letting Robots Roam Freely [nationaldefensemagazine] Thanks to Ksurfiws, who pointed out if we give them a base it might prevent them from taking one later. That…is bad logic. ” ZIP ZAP, ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US .” See?

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That’s…A Really Terrible Idea: Army Considers Building Autonomous Robots Own Base

Apple , a company best known for its popular Apple II computer system during the 80’s (right?), officially has more cash lying around than the US government. Uncle Sam? No — Uncle Jobs. Haha, what do you mean, “I want YOU”? Moooooooom — your brother’s being weird again! According to the latest statement from the U.S. Treasury, the government had an operating cash balance Wednesday of $73.8 billion. That’s still a lot of money, but it’s less than what Steve Jobs has lying around. Tech juggernaut Apple had a whopping $76.2 billion in cash and marketable securities at the end of June, according to its last earnings report. “We don’t let the cash burn a hole in the pocket or make stupid acquisitions,” CEO Jobs said last fall. “We’d like to continue to keep our powder dry because we think there are one or more strategic opportunities in the future.” “We’d like to continue to keep our powder dry”? What are you, stockpiling muskets or some shit? OMG, they’re forming a militia. *mounting pony* The flannel-coats are coming — THE FLANNEL-COATS ARE COMING! Apple now has more cash than the U.S. government [cnn] Thanks to killerabbit, who’ll slit your throat if you even think about touching one of his lucky feet.

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Apple: Now With More Cash Than The US Gov

25-year old artist Kyle MacDonald installed some rogue software on 100 computers in two Manhattan Apple stores . The software allowed the computers’ webcams to take a picture every minute, and upload the picture to Kyle’s server if there was a face detected . He then started a Tumblr blog with some of the choicer pictures. Unfortunately, nobody was picking boogies. Over the course of the project, McDonald set up roughly 100 Apple store computers to call his servers every minute. That’s a lot of network traffic, and he learned that Apple monitors traffic in its stores when he received a photo from a Cupertino computer of what appeared to be an Apple technician. The technician had apparently traced the traffic to the site McDonald used to upload the program to Apple Store computers — and installed it himself. McDonald figured that Apple had decided the program wasn’t a big deal. That was until four Secret Service men in suits woke him up on Thursday morning with a search warrant for computer fraud. They confiscated two computers, an iPod and two flash drives, and told McDonald that Apple would contact him separately. Whether you side with Apple/the government (which are practically the same!) or Kyle, you’ve got to admit it’s a shame more people don’t flash their tits at random laptops in electronics stores. Hit the jump for a video about the project and a link to his not-being-updated Tumblr with a couple pages of faces.

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Artist Gets Raided By Secret Service For Apple Store ‘People Staring At Computers’ Project

A memorial to the commie ‘liberation’ of the country in Sofia, Bulgaria was recently defaced by anti-communist graffiti artists to include the likenesses of a bunch of superheroes (plus The Joker, Santa and Ronald McDongald). So yeah — good lookin’, guys, but it’s still weird seeing Santa fighting something besides type II diabetes. Hit the jump for a bunch of closeups, as well as a picture of the statue in its regular state, except for a chick painting a pecker on the dude in the middle.

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Communist Statue Graffiti’d With Superheroes