This is the $250 Blacktop Grill-Fryer. It combines the cooking power of a grill , griddle and deep fryer in a single unit . Did I mention there’s a warming plate? Because there’s one of those too. Now you can keep your hands toasty while you grill and deep-fry in the middle of witch’s tits temperatures! “That’s not what a warming plate’s for.” No, that’s just not what YOU use it for. I swear, why didn’t someone invent this thing earlier? “They did — the government just covered it up because of the whole fat epidemic.” A-HA! Down the rabbit hole. Jk jk, down the hatch . Keep the bacon and onion rings coming. Amazon Product Site (with more pics and specs) via Blacktop 360 Grill-Fryer [uncrate] Thanks to joseph, who keeps a Fry Daddy in the trunk of his car. You’re sick.

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Finally, An Affordable Grill/Griddle/Deepfryer Combo

This is a recirculating ketchup fountain, not unlike the recirculating nacho cheese fountain we featured that somebody was classy enough to construct for their wedding. Now I know what you’re thinking, “but why couldn’t it be ranch?!” And that’s because you’re fat. Move Over Chocolate Fountain, Ketchup Fountain is the New Fancy [geekosystem] Thanks to chichi, who agrees there’s nothing more beautiful than a pair of Polynesian sauce covered nips. AMEN TO THAT.

Link:
Tomato Turbine: Recirculating Ketchup Fountain

So simple, so beautiful, so genius . Say goodbye to crotches full of scalding coffee ! Unless you’re into that sort of thing, in which case I would love to pour a fresh pot all over your lap. “GW, you trickster — did you brew this hydrochloric acid?” Guilty as charged! (I think one of your balls just rolled under the desk) Life-Altering Cup Holder of the Day [thedailywh.at] Thanks to Mary, who can carry two coffee cups between her breasts. Coffee AND creamer, I love it!

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Somebody Get Somebody A Design Award: The Future Of Coffee Carrying Technology

That’s right folks, no more sifting through boxes of Lucky Charms just to make a single bowl of marshmallows ! Now you can have one whenever you want. Goodbye oat bran , hello cavities! (I’m gonna stash a bag in my ass for snacking you see). Here at Cereal Marshmallows Our Goal is to Deliver you the absolute best and Crunchiest marshmallows available and I believe that is just what we have. I searched the World Over Japan, China Mexico, Netherlands, Germany, Belgium, UK, Australia, NOWHERE could I Get a Crunchy Crispy Marshmallow I ordered everything you could imagine and tried to get manufacturers to make it for me to no avail. I ended up with a pile of soft Yucky marshmallows big enough to fill a Dozen Trash bags Then Right here in the USA I found the perfect Marshmallow only Problem was I had to order over 10,000 pounds WOW and Marshmallows are LIGHT this is a SEMI Truck full well a big step but nonetheless one we made and now we sell out every 4 months or so I’m sure you will love these marshmallows Although I cant give you the Exact shapes as in your favorite Cereal I do have the same Crunchy Marshmallows. My Charms are half Circles, Squares, Quarter moons and a triangle this product in my opinion is The Best marshmallow on the market! Prices start at $7 for two 7oz bags and go up to $400 for a 95lb bag. Oh my goodness — can you even imagine a 95-pound bag of cereal marshmallows? I can — like six beanbag chairs . Cereal Marshmallows Thanks to Matt, who once made a bowl of nothing but the raisin clusters from Raisin Nut Bran and nearly died from deliciousness.

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It’s About Damn Time!: Bags Of Nothing-But-Cereal-Marshmallows Now Available

You know what the problem with sandwiches is? They’re too hard to transport. What they need to do is invent specially-sized bags to tote them around in. Oh they’ve got those? WHERE THE F*** HAVE I BEEN?! Anyway, if you’re too lazy to make a sandwich or worry your canned Coke will flatten it in your Alf lunchbox, there’s Candwiches. Canwiches are canned sandwiches (NOT CHEESEBURGERS ) and come in PB&Strawberry J, PB&Grape J, and Barbecued Chicken flavors. I’m gonna get one of each and mush them all together! Then vomit! In related news, a major financier is being sued for fraud after collecting moneys to invest in commercial real-estate loans, only to turn around and invest in Canwiches instead. Can you blame him? These things are gonna explode on the market! Possibly from botulism. In all, Travis L. Wright raised $145 million from 175 investors between 2001 and 2009, according to the suit. He only invested $6 million in the kinds of things he said he would be investing in, the SEC says. Wright also spent $15 million of investors’ money for his own expenses, according to the lawsuit. Among other things, he bought a house formerly owned by an unnamed pro basketball player. And he paved his driveway using cobblestones imported from France. Oh man, wait till those investors get their hands on him. They’re gonna open a Candwich of whoop-ass on that bastard. Possibly even a six-pack. You hear me, Travis? You gonna be eating Candwiches through a straw! Product Site and Sandwich-In-A-Can Financier Sued For Fraud [npr] Thanks to Mike, who’s trying to convince me to invest in his canned mashed potato business. Hmmm, I dunno.

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OM NOM NOM!: Candwich Canned Sanwiches

Let’s not kid ourselves, we all know the best foods come on sticks. Case in point: bacon , corn dogs, chocolate covered bananas and popsicles. AND NOW WAFFLES ! Possibly made by the Bluth Company to compliment the Corn Baller, the Lolly Waffle Maker can cook four 9-inch wafflesicles every two minutes. Which, if I learned anything about solving word problems in math class, is well over 14 waffles an hour. Breakfast will never be the same again. And not just because you’re gonna be wearing butter and syrup on your shirt more often. No, eventually you’ll start experimenting with them in the bedroom and next thing you know — GAAAAHH!! — you’ve poked both your partner’s eyes out with a wafflesicle stick. Safety goggles. That’s the real lesson here. The Wafflesicle Maker Has Changed Breakfast Forever [gizmodo]

Original post:
Waffles. On Sticks: The Wafflesicle Machine

Tom Selleck is arguably one of the most attractive men ever created in my likeness . So you couple his natural panty-wetting capabilities with an awe-inspiring waterfall and a delicious sandwich , and BAM!: Selleck Waterfall Sandwich , a website that features pictures perfectly described by its name. But, WARNING: You’ll never be able to look at a cheesesteak or Niagara Falls again without wishing you were riding Magnum’s mustache. And that’s not a bad thing. Hit the jump for a couple more examples and another link to the website.

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Genius Website: Selleck Waterfall Sandwich

John Hunter is a man with a dream . And while most men dream of supermodel orgies (don’t lie), John dreams of shooting shit into space with a cannon . Me too, John, me too . PSSSHOOOOOOOOW!! John Hunter wants to shoot stuff into space with a 3,600-foot gun. And he’s dead serious–he’s done the math. Making deliveries to an orbital outpost on a rocket costs $5,000 per pound, but using a space gun would cost just $250 per pound. How to Shoot Stuff into Space STEP 1: HEAT IT The gun combusts natural gas in a heat exchanger within a chamber of hydrogen gas, heating the hydrogen to 2,600?F and causing a 500 percent increase in pressure. STEP 2: LET THE HYDROGEN LOOSE Operators open the valve, and the hot, pressurized hydrogen quickly expands down the tube, pushing the payload forward. STEP 3: TO INFINITY AND BEYOND After speeding down the 3,300-foot-long barrel, the projectile shoots out of the gun at 13,000 mph. An iris at the end of the gun closes, capturing the hydrogen gas to use again. That’s all well and good, John, but the real question is this: can a human being survive the launch? And by “human being” I mean me. You think I won’t shoot myself out of your space cannon, John? Because I 100% will. Sans helmet. You really think a helmet’s gonna save you if a space cannon launch goes wrong? Because it’s not. A trampoline sure, but not a helmet. A Cannon for Shooting Supplies into Space [popsci] Thanks to Lee, who’s currently orbiting the earth from a comfy 22,236 miles out. Let me know if we need to shoot more beer.

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Where’s My Crash Helmet?: Man Proposes Shooting Supplies Into Space With A Cannon

Meat Cards are business cards with your info burnt into them using a 150 watt CO2 laser. They are far superior to card stock for obvious reasons (read: meat and lasers). Screw die-cutting. Forget about foil, popups, or UV spot lamination. THESE business cards have two ingredients: MEAT AND LASERS . Unlike other business cards, MEAT CARDS will retain value after the econopocalypse. Hoard and barter your calorie-rich, life-sustaining cards. Mmmm, meat and lasers: definitely two of the finest ingredients on earth. PEW PEW, NOM NOM! Now, blast me in the eye with your laser pointer right as I swallow. What? Don’t judge me. Meatcards Thanks to Chloe and Julian for eating all my cards. No, really, thanks a lot guys.

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Best Business Cards Ever: Meat Cards