Asked to record an audio commentary as a bonus feature for a DVD release of Total Recall, star and former state official Arnold Schwarzenegger apparently interpreted this request as a solicitation for him to watch the film and simply describe what is happening on screen and whether or not he liked it. Because of this, his commentary makes it sound like he has severe brain damage, and it is a wonder to hear–particularly if you’re blind, and always hoped someone would, beat by beat, describe what’s happening in Total Recall. Here, let Arnold Schwarzenegger do that for you:

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Arnold Schwarzenegger Doesn’t Understand Audio Commentaries, Might Be Mentally Ill

Here’s an innovative automotive child-restraint system from 1961. Clearly this little tyke is enjoying her crash-webbing. Wonder why it never caught on? Contest Entry–Easybaby Car Belt, 1961

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Commendably honest ad for failed child restraint system

Julia Suits’s The Extraordinary Catalog of Peculiar Inventions: The Curious World of the Demoulin Brothers and Their Fraternal Lodge Prank Machines - from Human Centipedes and Revolving Goats to Electric Carpets and Smoking Camels is a history of those long-gone, much lamented days when Americans joined fraternal lodges in great numbers, and when those lodges attracted and retained members by subjecting new initiates to horrible, dangerous, violent pranks that often involved some combination of 35 cal blanks and high-voltage electricity. You know, the good old days. The Demoulin Brothers were the top of the fraternal order prank-gadget food-chain, publishing a secretive (but wildly popular) catalog that was distributed to lodge presidents and other mucky-mucks. The catalog featured inventions that could be used to terrorize (and delight) the members by simulating their executions, making them think they were to be horribly burned, and other delights of the simpler era when TV wasn’t yet invented and radio was newfangled and untrustworthy. Suits is a real scholar of those days, and she livens up the many reproductions from the various catalogs with great context-giving notes about the nature of these lodges, reprints from newspapers and magazine articles of the day that give a sense of their prominence and significance, and biographies of the mad geniuses who sold these gadgets for so many years. From the demented copywriting in the catalogs to the fan-letters written to the company by excited lodge leaders who were delighted with the performance of the prank items, The Extraordinary Catalog of Peculiar Inventions is a time machine that transports readers to that gilded age and its highly specialized notions of fun and fraternity. The Extraordinary Catalog of Peculiar Inventions: The Curious World of the Demoulin Brothers and Their Fraternal Lodge Prank Machines - from Human Centipedes and Revolving Goats to Electric Carpets and Smoking Camels [amazon.com]

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Extraordinary Catalog of Peculiar Inventions: awesomely dangerous pranks from the age of fraternal lodges

Here’s a clever mouse-and-USB-stick sandwich, creator uncredited. ( via Neatorama )

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Mouse and USB stick sandwich and garnish

ThinkGeek’s got a set of funny Portal 2 warning-sign coasters, which may serve as a minatory presence in your home for careless visitors who leave rings on the furniture. ( via Red Ferret )

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Portal 2 warning sign coasters

The Wrongulator is a gag calculator that gives incorrect answers to calculations. I’m fascinated by the idea — I wonder if they’ve just got a standard calculator controller in there, and then a secondary system that scrambles the results, or whether it’s a pseudorandom number generator, or what. You’d want it to produce plausible outcomes (5 x 5 = 30; not 5 x 5 = 324527) but who knows if the manufacturer paid attention to this. The Wrongulator is no ordinary calculator, its actually the worlds worst calculator as it never gives the right answer, ever! If your calculator has been exchanged for this one then every single calculation youve entered in it has been wrong. It is perhaps the cruelest practical joke you could inflict on your office colleague and the chances are, without being told, theyll probably never guess.well not before its too late anyway! Mwhahahaha! Wrongulator ( via Red Ferret )

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Wrongulator: a gag calculator that gives the wrong outcome

[ Video Link ] “?~ ??? ?? ?? (Wow It’s mom, but I’m sleepy),” by bobaepapa . The one where she laughs at the sound of tape being pulled off a roll of tape is also worth a view.

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Sleepy Korean baby is mysteriously adorable

Gabby from the Gabby’s Playhouse webcomic produced this 2010 installment that neatly summarizes every discussion about gender on the net; click through below for the whole thing. In which we betray our gender ( Thanks, Fipi Lele! )

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Sexism flamewars explained in webcomic form

Like this! Granted it’s not a new concept because I remember my freshman year of college (’99) my roommate and I used to play Counter-Strike on opposing clans and we’d each hang a bedsheet over the side of our loft so the other person couldn’t see you. Which, fun fact: also worked great for masturbating . For him anyways, I didn’t care if he watched me or not just as long as he let me have one of the sausage biscuits he kept in the mini-fridge afterward. “Uh, GW? That sounded a little too realistic not to be true.” I told you, I ONLY SPEAK THE TRUTH! But, from now on — only to strangers. Damn yeah I want some free candy, mister! Nice van BTW. Hit the jump for one more shot of a similar but different setup.

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How To: Prevent Cheating When Playing Multiplayer Games With Your Roommate

This is a funny little video of Yoda doing his voice recording for the Star Wars series of TomTom GPS voices . I’m not even gonna lie: I giggled. Like a schoolgirl . Now you may be wondering, “but GW, how you gonna giggle like a schoolgirl if you don’t have a plaid skirt and knee-socks on?” Oh I do. And I am HOT for teacher. Hit it for the worthwhile video. *waves hand in Jedi mind-trick motion*

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Yoda Recording His Lines For The Star Wars TomTom Voices