Crusty drawls, yo. $32 Calorie Shapers are resin-coated biker-shorts/sparkle- panties that are stiffer than regular boxer-briefs and, when walked in 1.5-hours a day per week, can burn enough additional calories to offset 16-ounces of beer . WELL WOOPTIE-F***IN’-DO-DA. I’d rather just convince myself I never drank that beer. Besides, who in their right mind wants to walk around IN A PAIR OF HARD UNDERWEAR? Aaaaaaaah, my nuts are saying silk but my belly’s saying STIFF ABRASIVE POLYMER AND ENOUGH FRICTION TO START A FIRE. “Just go commando and I’ll swing the calories away.” Smart thinking, penis. Hit the jump for the WTF commercial.

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Stiff Japanese Underwear Help Burn Calories

Seen here looking a little spacy herself, this is a news report by Adrianna Iwasinkski regarding the dangers of digital drugs leading teens down the slippery slope to analog drugs and, eventually, to turning tricks in the mall parking lot to get their next fix (been there done that, amirite?). If you’re unfamiliar with digital drugs, you can read the old Geekologie article about i-Doser , or jump right into the video. But just a heads up (in case my parents are reading): Geekologie does not condone drug use of any kind — be it digital, analog, digilog OR analital. Except booze, which isn’t so much a drug as it is a miracle elixir that keeps me sane ($5 HJ’s if you bring me an Orange Julius). Hit it for the parental fear that’s sweeping the nation.

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Parents/Law Enforcement Concerned Digital Drug Use May Lead To Analog Drug Use