You know what the problem with a lot of movies coming out is? THEY BLOW. They were poorly written, grossly over-ma rketed, and suck nards. Not because they aren’t watched in seats that move. But has that stopped D-Box (D-Bag’s cardboard older brother) from developing ‘ kinetic motion theater chairs’ to jiggle your ass when there’s an explosion on screen? Sadly, it did not. Per Roger Ebert, who was clearly paid off or owns a stake in the company: D-BOX Motion Code [technology] uses motion effects specifically programmed for each film, TV series or video game, which are sent to a motion generating system integrated within either a platform or a seat. The resulting motion is perfectly synchronized with all onscreen action, creating an unmatched realistic immersive experience. Great, so not only am I gonna be pissed the movie sucked, but I’m gonna leave with motion sickness. God, whatever happened to making movies that don’t rely on 3-D or some other shticky bullshit to be enjoyable? I miss those days. If I had a time machine I’d go back to then and see Nirvana in concert. Would you go to the movies for a ‘kinetic theater chair’? [dvice] Thanks to Lucius, who likes his movie seats how he likes his fancy paper: stationary . Also, who had a birthday last night so today’s writing is all his fault. GOD, YOU JUST HAD TO GET OLDER.

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The New 3-D: Kinetic Movie Theater Seating

Note: I censor-barred the image (in case you couldn’t tell) but you can hit the jump for a NSFW version of what the pasties actually look like if you want. Just don’t come crying to me if your mom catches you and you end up grounded from the internet. Flying Pasties are 2-3mm thick rubber pasties that prevent the new airport security scanners from getting a good look at your tomatoes. Or your lettuce wrap . Sets start at $17 and come with catchy slogans (that airport personnel won’t be able to read so what’s the point?) like, “private” and “only my boyfriend sees me naked.” Did I mention they also sell a junk-covering male version for $10? Because they do. Alternatively, you can use the same product I do. It’s called not giving a shit. Available everywhere. Hit the jump for the uncensored picture and a link to the product site.

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This Ain’t A Free Peep Show!: Flying Pasties Keep Privates Private From Airport Security

Note: I censor-barred the image (in case you couldn’t tell) but you can hit the jump for a NSFW version of what the pasties actually look like if you want. Just don’t come crying to me if your mom catches you and you end up grounded from the internet. Flying Pasties are 2-3mm thick rubber pasties that prevent the new airport security scanners from getting a good look at your tomatoes. Or your lettuce wrap . Sets start at $17 and come with catchy slogans (that airport personnel won’t be able to read so what’s the point?) like, “private” and “only my boyfriend sees me naked.” Did I mention they also sell a junk-covering male version for $10? Because they do. Alternatively, you can use the same product I do. It’s called not giving a shit. Available everywhere. Hit the jump for the uncensored picture and a link to the product site.

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This Ain’t A Free Peep Show!: Flying Pasties Keep Privates Private From Airport Security

Apple just released an updated iPod Nano which features a bigger screen, 640 x 480 video recording, voice recording, and FM radio capabilities. As usual, they come in all sorts of fun colors so you can match your media player to your eyes (Chinese girls do not come with green eyes — anybody?!). 8 giggers cost $150 and 16 bangers $180. Is it worth an extra $30 to double your storage? You be the judge. I’ll play the bailiff! Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Good, now where were you last night around 10PM? Because I was peeking in your bedroom window but you weren’t theeeeere! Product Site Thanks to Kamaren, smith and Todd, who still carry record players BECAUSE THEY’RE OLDSCHOOL LIKE THAT. I swear, you guys are so fresh.

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Are We Having Fun Yet?: New iPod Nano Shoots Video, Voice Records, FM Radios