Relax, they’re bad guys, bro . They work for Bowser . They’re not even worth burying. God, if I beat myself up every time I stomped an enemy I’d be in the ICU all the f***ing time. And not just because I like the pudding, but I did contact the food distributor and they won’t sell to individuals. Long story short: I want you to stab me with this ninja sword. But only deep enough so they keep me over the weekend. Oh shit, wait — help me install my catheter first. Huh? What’s it look like — it’s a McDonald’s straw. Now on the count of three I want you to jab it in my penis like a Capri Sun. Mario [maneggs] via Mario Cartoon [thedailywh.at] Thanks to Allo and Kake, who would have dug up that goomba and stolen his wallet. Damn — ya’ll cold!

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Awh — Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself, Mario

Remember the washing machine that failed to clean a brick ? Well here it is again with a face . Not so funny now, is it? Yes, yes it is too. As a matter of fact, it’s even funnier . Unfortunately, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put the washer back together again and have all been wearing the same stinky, skid-marked drawls for almost a month now. It’s true, Robin Hood even puked just trying to rob them. Hit it for the most worthwhile video I’ve seen in a long time.

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That Made It So Much Better: Brick-Washing Washing Machine Gets Anthropomorphized

Note: This pic is small and doesn’t do the piece justice so to see the whole thing click CHEER . Oh shit, oh shit — spirit fingers! DeviantARTist gottabecarl went and mashed the Futurama and X-Men universes together. This is what he got. Oh really — then what about the superpowers you’re not telling us about?! ARE YOU X-RAY VISIONIN’ MY NIPPLES RIGHT NOW?! You wanna? A friend of mine suggested one day that it would be cool to see the characters of Futurama as X-Men and so I drew him Fry as Cyclops. For some reason I couldn’t just stop there…and what came of it was a pretty extensive illustration with some of the most obscure characters from both the X-Men and Futurama universes. Great job, Carl. It’s times like these I wish God would have given me some sort of artistic talent. But alas, all I got was a face that could make Adonis cry and a wiener that NASA wants to use as a ladder to the moon. Still, I wish I could draw. Carl’s deviantART Thanks to Martin, who once mashed Batman and Robin together and got, well, Batman and Robin rubbing twinkies.

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Mashup!: Futurama Characters As X-Mens

NOTE: Video after the jump is completely NSFW due to girl’s anger-filled potty mouth. No wonder he broke up with you! This is a video of some chick telling her ex-boyfriend that she hacked his email and changed his password, after deleting his Starcraft 2 beta code email. But mostly it’s just a girl screaming and cussing. And probably fake. Which, ssssssh! — don’t ruin it for me. Hit it for a shit-load of angst.

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She Sounds Kinda Bitter: Girl Hacks Ex’s Email After Breakup, Deletes Starcraft Beta Code

Because there’s nothing more enjoyable than watching jackasses hurt themselves attempting feats of stupid , this is a compilation of the best (and most painful) fails of 2009. It’s chock full of future Darwin Award recipients, and I wouldn’t be surprised if half these jokers don’t make it to 2011 (please exit the gene pool ladder left). Although, as a guy who’s shattered his arm twice and now has a Luke Skywalker arm, I want to cut it off and be human again. Best Fails of 2009 [collegehumor] Thanks to Fran, who has never broken a bone, but has cracked a few skulls.

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Hurt People, So Funny!: Best Fails Of 2009

Bob David went and built himself a 5,000 volt can crusher just because he could . That’s what I love about people : they do things for no reason . Also, some of them smell good . But don’t let ‘em catch you sniffing! If you care how Bob built the thing you can watch the first two minutes, but you look ADD-y, so skip to 2:15 for the action. Cool, huh? Now, let’s snort some Adderall. Say hello to the 5,000 volt can crusher [dvice]

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Holy Smoking Cans: 5,000 Volt Can Crusher

This is a conceptual solar powered BMW . It may look like a fish , but it’s not, it’s a car , silly! Well, not a real car, cause it’s only a concept . Like me. I ONLY EXIST YOUR INTERNET! Created by 24-yo German designer Anne Forschner, the Lovos stands fo Lifestyle of Voluntary Simplicity. Each of those scales–which are replaceable and turn constantly to align with the sun–is covered with solar cells. Now I’m no aerodynamicist, but that shit looks like it’ll slow you down. AND I CAN’T DRIVE 55, know what I’m saying? It’s against my law! The Geekologie law of awesome. Which, honestly, makes gravity look like a little bitch. Hit the jump for a bunch more shots of the craziness.

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Frightening: Conceptual Solar Powered BMW