Inb4 my sperm would’ve won. The world’s first cellular race was recently held in France, and I think I speak for everyone here when I say nobody cared. I mean, were they even accepting bets ? Because I’ve got an angry bookie who’s gonna make my legs bend backwards if I can’t come up with $4,000 by Friday. Obviously, I’ll be sporting a wheelchair to the office next week. How did they race the cells? Labs from all over the world heeded the call for frozen cells (the more usual the better, according to the rules) and shipped them to the Institut de Recherche en Technologies et Sciences pour le Vivant (IRTSV), where they were thawed, injected with dye and placed in specialized micro racetracks. Each 400-micron track was coated with a natural substance called fibronectin to give the cells traction to get moving. A line of bone marrow stem cells from the National University of Singapore walked — or whatever cells do — away with the honors traveling at 5.2 microns per minute. That’s 0.000204 inches per minute to you and I. Wait — bone marrow stem cells won?! I didn’t see that coming! Get it? Because it would’ve taken a microscope and I broke mine looking at pubes I found in the bathtub! Hit the jump for the Cellmont Stakes or whatever in action.

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$200 On Speedy McStemCell!: World’s First Cell Race

This is Frank & Louie (presumably after Frank & Stein), a 12-year old cat born with two faces and mouths, and three eyes. He just made it into the Guinness Book of World Records for being the longest-lived Janus cat (named after the Roman god of transitions because of the two faces and all). But worry not — there’s no need to shed a trio of tears for the kitty , apparently he’s healthy and happy despite the fact his owner takes him for walks on a leash (oh come on — he’s a cat, lady!). Regardless, I think we can all agree that not only did Frank & Louie just win his way into the record books, but our hearts things to think about to subdue an awkward boner as well. Meow! Hit the jump for a video of two faces I’m not totally convinced yet a mother could love.

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Aww, I Love Ya You Little Freak!: Frank & Louie, The 12-Year Old Two-Faced Cat

Mad scientists in Tel Aviv have successfully replaced a rat’s cerebellum with an electronic one, effectively moving the Doomsday clock ahead a minute and increasing humanity’s already significant fear of rodents. Good one, guys. *crushing computer mouse in desk drawer* Now Matti ["Frankenstein"] Mintz of Tel Aviv University in Israel and his colleagues have created a synthetic cerebellum which can receive sensory inputs from the brainstem - a region that acts as a conduit for neuronal information from the rest of the body. Their device can interpret these inputs, and send a signal to a different region of the brainstem that prompts motor neurons to execute the appropriate movement. Such implants could eventually be used to replace areas of brain tissue damaged by stroke and other conditions, or even to enhance healthy brain function and restore learning processes that decline with age. You know, that really got me thinking. Would you have your brain replaced with a cyborg one if it meant you could feel pleasure 24/7? And, if so, what kind of pleasure would you opt for? Because at first I was thinking I’d want something like ’sex in space’ or ‘just won the lottery’, but now I’m thinking something less extreme. Maybe ‘damn this is tasty-ass pie.’ Rat cyborg gets digital cerebellum [newscientist] and Picture

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Uh-Oh: Cyborg Brain Parts Implanted In Rats

Seen here creeping me the f*** out worse than the kid with an eyeball drawn on his eyepatch, Rob Spence shows off his video camera eyeball. Rob lost his eye in a shooting accident (which, while certainly serious, is still getting off lucky CONSIDERING HE WAS IN A SHOOTING ACCIDENT INVOLVING HIS FACE), and the last time we saw him had a red LED eyeball . Now he has a video camera. It is NOT a window to the soul. …it records everything he sees, sending what he’s looking at in real time to a computer. According to Rob, technology is already advanced and the possibilities are endless in the future. He said: “People are going to have the option of having superior arms, superior eyes at some point. “People say no one would ever cut off their own arm and replace it, but if the technology gets there - and it looks like it will - people will think about it. “They might be early adopters.” First of all, the camera doesn’t record everything he sees, it records everything he doesn’t see, because that’s his dud eye. Secondly, the day people start purposefully chopping off perfectly good body parts to replace with cyborg ones is the day I renounce my human citizenship. Get it? *unzipping body* I’m an alien! ZIP ZAP, BANANA NANU. Hit the jump for a video interview.

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Man Gets Eye Replaced With Video Camera

Inb4 ‘I bet it can’t even turn on a dollar’. First of all, a 25-person scooter that requires a cinderblock to hold up the middle isn’t exactly a 25-person scooter, now is it? It’s not. It’s a 25-person stool that creaks and touches the ground when everyone puts their weight down. But did that stop English plumber Colin Furze from building the 72-foot monster in his mom’s garden? No. But a normal person, yes, it probably would have. Although Furze has managed to hit 35 miles per hour on his modified moped, he’s only been able to control it with himself on it. And even so, it’s “impossible to steer” because a turn requires “about six widths of road.” Soooooooooo — basically what you ended up building was a 25-person waste of time and resources? That…sounds like something I’d do. *spends an afternoon building a much more impressive 30-PERSON scooter* “Um, GW? That looks suspiciously like 1-person scooter dragging an 80-foot tarp.” Sweet design, huh? I came up with that myself. 25-seat motorcycle shoots for ‘world’s longest’ record [dvice] via Anyone need a lift? Plumber builds the world’s longest motorbike with 25 seats [telegraph] Thanks to Jody, who built a 25-person rocketpack that may or may yes consist of a single rocket pack and 24 people holding ankles.

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The 25-Person World’s Longest Scooter

This is a Nokia viral ad for their N8 phone featuring the world’s largest stop-motion animation, which was made on a beach using a crane (that’s a real boat in the picture). It’s a follow-up to their world’s smallest stop-motion animation and NOT a follow up to the job interview I had on Monday, which probably isn’t coming (I called the dude a pecker and threatened to choke him out with a computer cord when he asked for references). ‘Gulp’ is a short film created by Sumo Science at Aardman, depicting a fisherman going about his daily catch. Shot on location at Pendine Beach in South Wales, every frame of this stop-motion animation was shot using a Nokia N8, with its 12 megapixel camera and Carl Zeiss optics. The film has broken a world record for the ‘largest stop-motion animation set’, with the largest scene stretching over 11,000 square feet. Damn, that thing has a 12-megapixel camera? What’s my iPhone have on it? “A shit-ton of pics of your balls?” Haha, you know it! Hit the jump for the video, as well as a ‘making-of’ if you’re curious.

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World’s Largest Stop Motion Animation Film

Connect the dots — la la la la! Connect the dots: like word searches and mazes, they’ve always been difficult for me (who the f*** is supposed to remember what comes after 59 anyway? That’s why God invented calculators !). So you can imagine my sense of unease when I saw this, the world’s most complicated connect-the-dots picture. Created by Thomas Pavitte, the piece contains 6,239 dots, takes around 9-hours to complete, and produces a relatively booboo basic looking Mona Lisa when the fat lady sings. Which, SPOILER ALERT: she always seems to be doing around this time of day. *banging on wall* FOR THE LOVE OF LITTLE DEBBY CAN YOU SHUT UP? I’M TRYING TO F***ING BLOG OVER HERE! She’s making it real hard to feel bad about stealing her electricity. Hit the jump for a couple close-ups and a time-lapse video of nine hours packed into four minutes. Damn bro you should help me with my luggage before vacay!

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World’s Most Complicated Connect-The-Dots Picture Produces Iffy-Looking Mona Lisa

Jarrod McKinney, who was skydiving with an iPhone in his pocket (allegedly to be able to call somebody in case he landed in the wrong place, although I suspect he’s the kind of person that always puts his cell phone on the dinner table set to loud), lost it at 13,500-ft and then used a GPS tracker to find it. It still worked. It didn’t still look good, but it worked. He found the gadget, its glass surfaces shattered, on top of a building about a half-mile away from where he landed with his parachute. Joe Johnson, a skydiving instructor, said he and a few friends watched from the ground below the two-story building as McKinney raised the phone above his head in triumph after he located it using a GPS tracking app. Mike Gikas, a tech editor at Consumer Reports, the nonprofit group that tests phones and other gadgets for their reliability, jokingly said that McKinney finally found a way to fix the phone’s reception woes, by dropping it from a plane. “That’s the proved method for fixing the antenna problem,” he said, laughing. The iPhone had protective gear of its own — an Incipio-brand phone case that was broken after the fall but still was on the phone. Johnson, the skydiving instructor, was so impressed with the whole ordeal that he plans to pick up one of the phones sometime soon. LOLOL! So many laughs to be had. SIKE! (PSYCH!, PSYCHE!), — YOU COULD HAVE KILLED SOMEBODY, A-HOLE. You know what an iPhone falling from 13,500-ft feels like when it hits your head? Hell . Literally — because you lived a bad life and now have to spend eternity impaled on Satan’s rotisserie with an apple in your mouth. Dammit devil, you know I’m a pear kinda guy. “Yeah — pear shaped !” Wow, you really are the king of all evil. iPhone 4 survives fall from skydiver’s pocket [cnn] Thanks to comfort eagle, who, God, it’s just so good to know you’re here. *stroking tenderly*

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Suicidal iPhone Survives Drop From 13,500-Ft

Three long-legged Borneo rainbow toads , a species last spotted on the tropical island in 1924 and believed to be extinct, were recently discovered by a team of scientists from the Universiti Malaysia Sarawak, who were scouring the forests specifically looking for the amphibian . Hmmm…. *applies for grant money to hunt down the long-lost pia colada tropical beach crab* The team had spent months scouring remote mountain forests for the species. Prior to these images, only illustrations of the toad had existed. Conservation International, which launched its Global Search for Lost Amphibians in 2010, had listed the toad as one of the “world’s top 10 most wanted frogs”. “It is good to know that nature can surprise us when we are close to giving up hope, especially amidst our planet’s escalating extinction crisis. “Amphibians are at the forefront of this tragedy, so I hope that these unique species serve as flagships for conservation, inspiring pride and hope by Malaysians and people everywhere.” Are you thinking what I’m thinking? I’ll give you a hint: Skittles. Haha, yes — taste the rainbow! Now, you lick it first. If, after four hours you haven’t died, I’ll lick it, then we’ll trip our balls off and run around in the forest playing Jumanji or whatever. Lost rainbow toad is rediscovered [bbcnews] Thanks to Amanda, who knows it may take a lot of frog-kissing to find a prince, but only one to wind up at the doctor with a warty-ass lip. Let’s smoke banana peels together on Faceybooks and Tweeter !

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Move Over, Hypnotoad!: "Lost" Rainbow Toad Rediscovered After 87 Year Absence

Seen here not even giving a f*** about the fluffy ball on his hat, 35-year old Nepalese soldier Bishnu Shrestha accepts an award for being a total badass and killing/maiming/scaring the living shit out of an entire gang of armed robbers /would-be-rapists off a train with nothing but a knife . *trying to enroll online in the Nepalese army’s training program* 40 men armed with knives, swords and guns stormed the train and began robbing the passengers. Bishnu kept his peace while the gang snatched cell phones, jewelry and cash from other riders. But then, the thugs grabbed the 18 year-old girl sitting next to him and forcefully stripped her naked. Before the bandits could rape the poor girl in front of her helpless parents, Bishnu decided he had enough. “The girl cried for help, saying You are a soldier, please save a sister,” Shrestha recalled. “I prevented her from being raped, thinking of her as my own sister.” Here’s the part of the story that makes you cheer. He pulls out a kukri (i.e. a knife) and proceeds to kill 3 of them, injure 8 of them, and causes the rest to flee. During the battle, he suffered a severe knife injury to his left hand, from which he’s now recovered. Wow . Congratulations Bishnu, I’d like to take this time to present you with the prestigious ‘Geekologie Badass of the Year’ award. I know it’s only early February, but I can say with the utmost confidence nobody will do anything for the rest of the year that’s even half as hardcore. *ahem* Batman. But seriously, good lookin’, Bishnu. *salutes* Hit the jump for a shot of the type of knife he used and a 26-minute news report that’s not in English.

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PLEASE TEACH LESSONS: Man Brings Knife To 40-Man Sword & Gunfight, Prevents A Rape