So IBM was awarded a (surprise!) DARPA government grant to more or less create Skynet computer chips and, what do you know, they’re making progress. BUT NOT FOR LONG! *pulling wires out of back of computer* “Why’d you do that?” I DON’T F***ING KNOW, I GET EXCITED! Hey — why’d my monitor go black? The announcement comes nearly three years after IBM and several university partners were awarded a grant by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) to re-create the brain’s perception, cognitive, sensation, interaction, and action abilities, while also simulating its efficient size and low-power consumption. “What I hold in my hand as I speak,” Modha told CNET by phone Wednesday, “is our first cognitive computing core that combines computing in the form of neurons, memory in the form of synapses, and communications in the form of axons…[and] in working silicon, and not PowerPoint.” Brain chips: wonderful news, really. So here’s the plan. You might call me crazy, but future generations might call me the savior of humanity . This is it: we use zombies to fight the robot apocalypse for us. Get it?! They love brain chips — they’ll gobble those robotic f****ers up! Then we nuke them and earth will make me its king. IBM says new chip mimics the human brain [cnet] Thanks to Sgt Rebel, Drew, bsmorrow and Mike, who have all kicked zombies so hard their penises fell off (the zombies’, not theirs).

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IBM Creates Brain-Mimicking Computer Chips

It’s 9PM and you just finished downloading your 2,000th bootleg movie when you hear a a siren. Holy shit, the cops are coming for you. What do you do? Well if you’re anything like me you don a fake beard and Italian accent and dive out the nearest window crapping your pants. Other, much more prepared individuals might try drilling their hard-drive to destroy any incriminating evidence. Which is where these handy-dandy laptop stickers come into play. You just place them on your laptop over the hard-drive (see your computer’s schematic for exact location), that way you know where to put the drill when the time comes. Just a heads up though: if the po-po bust in while you’re still making holes they may shoot you after mistakenly confusing your drill for a plasma pistol. And another heads up: if the po-po bust in while you’re still making love to yourself you 100% will be made fun of before you can even zip up. Even worse if it was anime or furry porn. Which brings me to my next topic of emergency preparedness: cyanide capsules. Media Artist Contingency Plan (with the sticker design to print out if you want. Alternatively, make a big X in Sharpie with the words ‘X MARKS THE SPOT’) via Protect Your Hard Drive Secrets With a Simple Sticker [technabob] Thanks to Kev, but not Kevin Arnold from “The Wonder Years’ (trust me, I emailed him to make sure), who wants to know what you’re supposed to do after you realize the cops weren’t coming for you after all and were just chasing a speeder but here you are with 10 drilled holey hard drives. Don’t look at me — you were the one that was all high and paranoid!

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Laptop Stickers Show You Where To Drill To Destroy A Hard Drive In Case Of Emergency

Space isn’t actually colorless , I just made that up so people who only read the headline go spread misinformation and hopefully lose bets. But for the rest of you, nothing but the facts . My penis could feed an entire village for 18 months. Plus NASA uses Photoshop to manipulate shots from the Hubble Space Telescope to make us think space is actually cooler than it really is (SPOILER: I’ve been there, it’s a shit-ton of nothing). This time lapse shows how the image of NGC 3982–a spiral galaxy 68 million light-years from Earth, in the Ursa Major constellation–was made using seven grayscale images captured using three of Hubble cameras. The processing job took 10 hours of scaling, rotating, aligning, color processing and missing pixels and artifacts restoration. Scientists have to choose how to represent this information in a way that we can observe directly. Sometimes they will use a natural representation , which is very close to what we would see if we zoomed there inside the Enterprise. Other times they will choose representative color , which helps them see invisible features of the object–like those that can only be captured in infrared or ultraviolet light. And sometimes they show the image in enhanced color , a hyperrealist mode that brings a lot of hidden, subtle details. There’s 10-hours of edting packed into a 2-minute video after the jump, that talks you through the process. Basically the style of Photoshoppery depends on a particular photo’s intended use. Which, to the best of my knowledge, ranges from ‘look cool’ to ‘look really trippy’. Unfortunately, for those of you who were hoping for some insight, there was little talk of how they faked the moon landing, but my guess is in a giant underwater tank. “Like…the kind with a cannon?” *kicks you in the nuts so hard you cry sperm* Hit the jump for the informative video.

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Because Space Is Actually Colorless: How NASA Uses Photoshop TO CREATE LIES

Uh, is that a dude with tits? Microsoft , working with the federal gubment, successfully raided a number of web-hosts around the country, bringing down a bot-network of compromised computers they believe are responsible for as much as 40% of all spam emails . Weird, because my box is still packed with boner-pills. Did I say box? I meant butt. That’s where I keep my stash. “Shutting down Rustock could put a huge dent in spam worldwide,” reports CNet. Indeed, tech security giant Symantec estimated last year that Rustock was responsible for 39% of the world’s spam. “The shutdown is one of the rare victories against cybercriminals who use botnets, or herds of compromised computers, to wreak havoc on the internet,” writes VentureBeat. “It shows that technology can be used to perpetrate cyber crime as well as to hunt down cyber criminals.” Alas, “At the moment, it’s safest to say Rustock has been made inactive, rather than having been taken down,” according to DigitalTrends.com. “The estimated million infected zombie computers are still out there, and if Rustock’s creators are wily they might be able to regain control over some portion of them.” Great, now where am I supposed to go for cheap drugs? “The ghetto.” The ghetto?! But it’s dangerous to go alone! “Here, take this.” *looking* This is a sign that says ‘ROB ME’ with a bunch of racial slurs. Spam Network Shut Down [wallstreetjournal] Thanks to Rooble, who, got any testosterone pills?

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Microsoft, Feds Bring Down BotNet Spam Ring, Boner Pill Emails Drop Almost 40%

Really? I thought it was for idiot-morons. I unfriended and blocked everyone on my Facebook buddy-list that plays that shit a long time ago. It was like 200 people. What?! I know a lot of moms ! Amazon Product Site via Things That Are Real of the Day [thedailywh.at] Thanks to Nick, who left Mafia Wars for Farmville and made a New Year’s resolution to leave Farmville for living a real f***ing life. I’m holding you to it, Nick.

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Sadly A Real Book: ‘Farmville For Dummies’

Apple software engineer Andrew Carol (woman’s first name for a last name FTW!) went and built a completely functional Antikythera Mechanism out of LEGO . What the hell’s an Antikythera Mechanism? *GW casts copy/paste and goes to toast some Eggos* The Antikythera Mechanism, is, allegedly, the oldest version of a scientific computer. The Greeks, who used to be so clever that they never endured too much of a financial crisis, built it around 100 B.C. Somehow, it disappeared into history’s cracks, until it was unearthed from a shipwreck in 1901. It took imperfect humans another 100 years to work out that its purpose was to mechanically track the bodies that are in outer space in order to anticipate events up there that might affect life down here. Carol used 1,500 Lego Technic parts and 30 days to put together the 110 gears and other pieces of the re-creation. The two wings of Carol’s machine, each with four gearboxes, manage to make the same calculations as the original mechanism. Each gearbox makes one mathematical calculation. It’s funny how they call Andrew by his last name in the article and it makes it sound like he’s a lady. Also, that falsetto of his. But I’m not here to talk about girly-men, I’m here to talk about 2,000-year old gearboxes. Which — if the ancient Greeks could make gearboxes, then they must have had cars . The history books are wrong! THIS. CHANGES. EVERYTHING. But mostly just history books. Hit the jump for a worthwhile video of the device in action.

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2,000-Year Old Computer Recreated In LEGO

The Dell Inspiron Duo: not only are it’s initials D.I.D., it’s a netbook and tablet all in one thanks to its unique swivel screen. Ten dollars says I break it the fist week. Fist week? I thought it was foot month! Boy, did Dell show just off the craziest device on stage at Intel’s IDF 2010 day two keynote. What started as a tablet device converted to a netbook just by opening to the keyboard and literally swiveling the screen from within the frame. This hybrid’s got a 10-inch screen, houses a dual-core Atom N550 and runs Windows 7 Premium…No price given and Dell isn’t providing us any more details, but it should be released by the end of this year. Damn, too bad I just hot-glued my iPad to my MacBook Air, amirite? Kidding, I don’t have an iPad or Macbook. What I do have is a library card, which entitles me to free computer use till 8PM. I’m bloggin’ from the berry, ya’ll! Dell’s Atom-powered Inspiron Duo: 10-inch netbook / tablet hybrid with a crazy swivel [engadget] Thanks to Marlene and christopher, who don’t like swivel stools because they get motion-sickness. Awh, bless your little vomity hearts.

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It’s A Netbook, It’s A Tablet, It’s A Transformer

Microsoft Game Studios Software Development Engineer Ray Arifianto’s soon-to-be wife had this custom USB wedding band made for him. Why? Because flash memory is the language of looooove. Psyche, it’s actually COBOL C++. The gold ring isn’t actually a functional USB drive, but its design is reminiscent of one. The interior is engraved with the words, “For a lifetime of memories,” an allusion to the USB’s storage capabilities. Aww! Shouldn’t it actually go on the thumb? Get it?! You know it’s a really beautiful thing when two people decide to share their lives together. Unfortunately, there’s something about me that sends all my relationships packing. BUT I THOUGHT WE SHARED SOMETHING SPECIAL! And I’m not just talking about clothes. Woman Gives USB Wedding Ring to Her Geeky Fianc [mashable] Thanks to Shenanigans, Blaqk Panda and Alex, who are all getting their significant others Firewire rings because they’re f***ing classy dudes.

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Wife Has Custom USB Wedding Ring Made For Microsoft Game Developing Husband

We’ve all been there: you’re setting up a up a new computer , you get a little distracted and next thing you know, BAM! — you’re experimenting sexually with a mess of tangled cables . Unfortunately, I didn’t have the sense to shape them into something first. And it was still awesome. Well this is a self portrait by LA artist Kasey McMahon made from CAT-5 cables entitled ‘Connected’. Because that’s what cables do, they connect things. SAME GOES FOR PAPER CLIPS AND VELCRO. Now, can you name something else that connects things? What do you mean “muffins”?! Listen, I’d like to schedule a meeting with your parents. Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m gonna tell them you’re retarded. Hit the jump for one more shot from the side.

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I Know, You’d Hit It: A CAT-5 Lady Sculpture

This is a little graphic charting the progress in music storage. It’s part of a larger graphic which also includes the evolutions of photo and data storage. Click THIS BIG-ASS LINK RIGHT HERE to see the whole thing. But warning: prepare to be wowed. Or at least moderately impressed with how far we’ve come. Now let’s put a man on the moon ! Or a cat. Oh. My. God — SPACE FURBABIES — WANT!! Man, We’ve Come a Long Way From Floppies [gizmodo]

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Don’t Copy That Floppy!: Evolution Of Storage