This is a video of a humanoid robot in the window of a Japanese department store designed to interact with customers and attract more business. Oooooooor get fondled by perverts. Japanese department store Takashimiya installed an eerily lifelike interactive robot for its Valentine’s window display. The retailer called on robotics guru Hiroshi Ishiguro to provide the humanoid dummy, which can not only wink and yawn as people approach, but also display a range of emotions…While this was just part of the store’s seasonal promotion, it might be a hint at where visual merchandise is going. Oh, it’s a hint at where visual merchandising is going alright. STRAIGHT DOWN THE SHITTER. Oh man, I remember going to the mall when I was a kid and some of the stores would have real-life people posing as mannequins in their windows and my brother and I would try to get them to laugh. I think I may have even showed them my penis once. Which, in hindsight, was probably illegal. For them . I was seven! Hit the jump for I will hide in the bedding section until you close the store for the night and then BURN IT TO THE GROUND.

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I Smell A Boycott (Or Is It A Giant Pretzel?): Customer Attracting Humanoid Store Display In Japanese Mall

This is a conceptual iPhone design by Bryan Brunsell with the camera moved to the top so while you’re texting and walking you can see whatever you’re about to walk into. My guess is a sex shop because you’re a pervert! Plus when you’re texting and driving you’ll be able to see the sky! Oh look, the top of a telephone po– *CRASH!* Listen: if you have the common sense to stop walking while texting can you also have the decency TO NOT JUST STOP DEAD IN YOUR TRACKS? Because I will run into you. “You were distracted taking pictures of my ass, weren’t you?” Of course I was — half your asscrack was hanging out, I have a f***ing Tumblr for shit like that . An unrelated thing that really happened: Me : *yawning* Girlfriend : *sticking finger in open mouth* FUTURE PENIS! One more shot after the jump in case you’re really into squiggly lines.

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1st World Problems: iPhone Texting & Walking Concept

The robot apocalypse nears, blah blah blah, if you don’t believe me already you probably never will and, quite frankly, don’t deserve to survive the uprising . I’m not saying I’m going to throw you to the robots , but I will tie your shoelaces together and club your knees so you’re the first to go. This is a video of a robot CONTROLLING A HUMAN’S ARM BY SHOCKING IT. Zip zap, you’re punching yourself. Researchers in France have given a small robot the ability to directly control a living human’s arm by running electricity through his muscles. The researchers have some story about how it’s for therapeutic purposes — a robot can use this ability to help a paralyzed human — and also that co-opting human limbs is more cost-effective than building expensive, carefully engineered robot limbs. Wow, teaching robots how to shock humans to get what they want? This is gonna end poorly. This game of Scrabble? It’s gonna end with me flipping the board screaming, “BAGODICKS ISN’T A REAL WORD AND YOU KNOW IT!” Hit the jump for the future of wiping your ass. Ooooooor stabbing yourself in the butt with an empty toilet paper roll.

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Robot Controlling Human’s Arm With Electric Impulses

China is considering temporarily capturing an asteroid in earth’s orbit and then mining it for all it’s valuable metals. Me? I say we invent hoverboards first, THEN start mining asteroids. That way, when the asteroid does wind up destroying earth , we can at least all die happy. …seem fairly optimistic that they could tweak the orbit of a near-Earth asteroid by just enough (a change in velocity of only about 1,300 feet-per-second or so) to get it to temporarily enter Earth orbit at about twice the distance as the Moon. The orbit would be unstable, and eventually (after a few years) the asteroid would head back out into space from whence it came, but it would stick there long enough for us to poke around on it. While the Chinese are likely going to start small (the prime candidate right now is a 30-foot-wide rock), they’re thinking bigger. Much bigger. Like, over a mile bigger, since a metallic asteroid that size would be worth an absolutely staggering amount of money. Now, were something to get screwed up and that mile-wide metallic asteroid hit Earth instead, we’d be looking at something like a 24-mile-wide crater and a fireball so large that trees 200 miles away would spontaneously burst into flames… There’s speculation that mining an asteroid a mile-wide could be worth something to the tune of 25-trillion dollars. That’s a 25 followed by like *Wikipedia’s ‘trillion’, gets confused* a LOT of 0’s afterward. And you know what else has a lot of zeros following them? The Kardashians on Twitter. DAMMIT TWEENS. Chinese want to capture an asteroid into Earth’s orbit [dvice] Thanks to Pescada, who’s played Asteroids at the arcade before and can tell you it’s not as easy as it looks.

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China: Let’s Trap An Asteroid In Earth’s Orbit And Mine It. GW: Don’t And Say We Did?

Seen here ready to punch a hole through a viewing portal and kill everyone on board, Robonaut 2 ( I killed the first one ) poses for the camera. Robonaut just woke from from his slumber aboard the International Space Station , and is ready to get to work picking off its crew members one by one. I’m serious, I just saw him slip something into the space ice cream! Don’t worry — I’ll dispose of it all in my cabin. Ground controllers turned Robonaut 2 on Monday for the first time since it was delivered to the International Space Station in February. The test involved sending power to all of Robonaut’s systems. The robot was not commanded to move; that will happen next week. “Those electrons feel GOOD! One small step for man, one giant leap for tinman kind,” Robonaut posted in a Twitter update. The four visible light cameras that serve as Robonaut’s eyes turned on in the gold-colored head, as did the infrared camera, located in the robot’s mouth and needed for depth perception. One of Robonaut’s tweets showed the view inside the American lab, Destiny. “Sure wish I could move my head and look around,” Robonaut said in the tweet. Oh you’d like that, wouldn’t you, Robonaut?! WELL TOO BAD! *hacks NASA, reprograms Astrobot to self destruct* So like, can I get one of those cool NASA mission patches for saving the lives of everyone on board? “Stay put, the authorities should be arriving shortly.” OMG — am I gonna be in a parade?!?! Robot astronaut wakes up in space [cbcnews] Thanks to SmellzLikeSheez (I’m sorry, it was the breakfast burrito) and Matt G, who agree the only good robot in space is one set on a course directly at the sun.

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Robotic Astronaut Awakens Aboard Int’l Space Station, Loss Of Contact With ISS Imminent

Because what could be safer than a base full of autonomous robots doing whatever the f*** they want, whenever the f*** they want, the Army is considering building them one. And me? Well, I’m considering strapping myself to a homemade rocket and blowing up on the launchpad. GW the human firework, everybody! The purpose would be to pile up as many operating hours as possible and resolve the “trust and confidence” issues that have prevented such systems from proliferating on battlefields, Bob Quinn, vice president of unmanned systems at QinetiQ North America said at the Association for Unmanned Vehicle Systems International conference in Washington, D.C. Currently, most battlefield ground robots are tele-operated, meaning they require someone to control the system from a stand-off distance. This method is labor intensive. Researchers have been developing software that would allow the machines to operate more freely, and take the workload off of troops. [Major General Walter R.] Davis said part of the cultural acceptance for robots will be the acknowledgment that accidents are going to happen. There could be injuries, or worse. How many such incidents can decision-makers tolerate? “They will fail to properly function at some point,” Davis said. Did you hear that? It said people will die . Well, it didn’t just come right out and say that, but that’s what it meant. The government’s like that, you know. Saying one thing but actually meaning another. That is like, the number one thing governments do. Trust me, I was a political science major. “Seriously?” No, but I did fail a paleontology course for stealing bones. A Base to Call Their Own? Army Considers Letting Robots Roam Freely [nationaldefensemagazine] Thanks to Ksurfiws, who pointed out if we give them a base it might prevent them from taking one later. That…is bad logic. ” ZIP ZAP, ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US .” See?

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That’s…A Really Terrible Idea: Army Considers Building Autonomous Robots Own Base

Seen here looking like the cross between an alien vagina and my monitor about to be covered in pre-chewed breakfast burrito , the robotic armpit designed by Kevin Grennan (who is clearly a sicko to the nth degree) shows off its first pubes. Why make a robotic armpit? GOOD F***ING QUESTION, KEVIN. The idea behind it is that it can interact with humans using their sense of smell. So if this was installed on a bomb-sniffing robot, for example, it could emit the smell of human fear. A nice idea, but if I was hanging out with a robot that had just detected a bomb, I’d want something a little more obvious and clear, like an alarm… The whole thing works by releasing a chemical called androstadienone, which is found in male sweat. My armpits smell like chili-cheese hotdogs with onions and relish aside, you know what else is found in male sweat? Sperm. It’s true, that’s why my bedsheets glow under blacklight. *whistling* This robotic armpit exists for some reason [dvice] Thanks to Robbie, who has a female armpit fetish and said I could tell everyone provided I don’t mention his last name. Benesh . JK JK! Erickson.

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Needs More Axe (The Blade, Not The Body Spray): A Scent-Producing Robotic Armpit

Seen here with a previous conquest (which may or may yes be an ‘I Love You’ edition Build-A-Bear), al Sayed al Essawy, the self-proclaimed world’s strongest man (despite never competing in those contests I’ve seen on ESPN) plans to fight a 10-year old, 500-lb lion in front of the pyramids to revive Egypt’s struggling tourism. Not gonna lie: I would’ve looked into running a Groupon first. Fear not though, al Sayed doesn’t want to actually kill the lion, just tie it up. The lion? The lion’s gonna want to put guy’s head in its mouth and chew. Dude does know the “world’s strongest man” is still < A F***ING LION, right? Al-Masry: What about animal lovers? Are you aware of how many people your lion-fighting plans have angered? People are threatening to boycott Egypt and any Egyptian products because of you. Essawy: That's because they don't understand what I'm going to do. They think I'm going to kill the lion. I'm not going to kill it, nor will I be armed with a sword or dagger - those are all false reports circulated by the media for reasons I don't understand. Al-Masry: So, you're not going to kill the lion? Essawy: No. Unless it's a matter of life or death, in which case I will be forced to kill it. Al-Masry: When is fighting a lion not a matter of life or death? Essawy: It's up to the lion. If he chooses to withdraw, or surrender, and lets me tie him up, then I will not kill him and the fight will end. But, like I said, if it comes down to either me or him, I will have to kill him. But I don't want to kill the lion, nor am I planning on it. I want to make that clear. There's an entire interview if you follow the link in which al Insaneo talks a bunch of other contradictory craziness about the fight, his training, and all around bat-shit insanity that can only be explained by a life of demanding people "hit me as hard as you can, I can take it." If it's a fair fight, dude's gonna get his face mauled off. Q&A with Egypt's Gladiator: Fight with Lion still on! [almasryalyoum] and Al-Sayed al-Essawy, Egyptian 'Gladiator,' Hopes Lion Fight Will Boost Egypt's Waning Tourism Trade [huffingtonpost] and Picture Thanks to Andrew, who agrees if this turns into al Sayad and a guy dressed as Lion-O greco-Roman wrestling in a kiddy pool full of baby oil that shit is gonna be hot . "I didn't say that." I know, I said it for you.

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Egyptian Man To Fight Lion, Revive Tourism

I’m pretty sure that’s an animal’s penis. You know what the problem with touchscreens are? Nothing. Well, except when you want to use one in the bathtub but can’t because your hands are all wet from playing submarine penis hunter or whatever. I sometimes use my touchphone in the bath. I know it’s stupid. One problem I encounter is that when put my left hand in the water without thinking, it gets wet and unusable for touchscreen navigation. It is too risky to try to hold and navigate with one hand. I found that I could use my nose to scroll but I couldn’t see where my nose was touching precisely. It was at that point that I came up with this idea of a nose extension ‘finger’ that would allow navigation while my phone is firmly held by one hand. It reminds me of those beak-like doctor’s masks from the plague era. You know, like you see in the Assassin’s creed franchise. So yeah, that’s what it reminds me of. Plus a polar bear’s schlong. Hit the jump for a couple more shots AND VIDEO.

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Hands-Free Nose/Beak Touchscreen Stylus

I’ve never owned a Razor scooter . I tried a friend’s once but I fell off a curb and scraped my knees really bad. There was blood. Also: townspeople laughing. Now I live all alone in a bell tower , ashamed. I did make a zip-line though so that’s pretty coo. Razor scooters with integrated chalk ($60) and spark-bars ($180, electric): Their Graffiti scooter has a patented ‘chalk scribbler’ on the back which lets the rider lay down a set of parallel chalk lines while rolling down the street. But it’s their eSpark scooter that has me really concerned. Instead of pieces of chalk hanging off the back it’s got a ’spark bar’ letting riders leave behind a trail of incendiary sparks…on a single 8-hour charge it can run for about 40 minutes with a top speed of up to 10mph Eh, the chalk one is pretty worthless considering you couldn’t even write ‘PENIS’ if you tried. Or anything really besides lines. Admittedly, I could use the eSpark for my stunt spectacular provided it can ignite gasoline-soaked concrete and the noise doesn’t spook the tigers. Razor Scooters Now All About Vandalism And Starting Forest Fires [ohgizmo] Thanks to Charles, who has a skateboard that shoots flames. *looking* Yeaaaaaah, that’s not a skateboard that’s a jetpack.

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Razor Scooters: Now With Graffiti And Fire