The Crovel is like the Swiss Army Kite of shovels. ” Knife — not kite, numbnuts.” Yeah, whatever . It packs 13 different tools into a single unit (reminds me of my last kegger!). “What tools” you ask? LEMME TELL YA: Shovel Crowbar Pryer/Nail Remover (hey that’s just part of a crowbar!) Axe Hoe (you are!) Hammer Serrated Knife Cleaver Saw Machete Can Opener Grapping Hook Chair All that in a 5-and-a-half pound stick for $85. I bought two. I keep one in the house and one in my ass trunk! Plus it works for threatening a neighbor after he lets his dog shit in your yard. I WILL KILL YOU, CUT YOU UP AND BURY YOU ALL WITH THE SAME TOOL. Then grappling hook onto my roof and open a beer. One more shot comparing the Crovel to all the tools it replaces after the jump.

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The Crovel: Your New Apocalyptic Survival Tool

HO IS RIGHT, ROBO-SKANK! This is a video of a HOAP-2 humanoid robot learning how to wipe a whiteboard (God, learn how to do your ass first!). Granted it does a pretty crappy(!) job, but the point is that it learned how to do it, it wasn’t just programmed. Next up: wiping the planet free of humanity. Whoa whoa whoa — NOT ON MY WATCH, DEATH-BOTS! Please? I’m trying to start a cult and could really use the street-cred. Hit the jump for a video of such an intense excitement level it can only be described as ‘watching paint dry, plus a slow-moving robot’.

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Unskilled Labor: Robot Cleans A Whiteboard

Seen here looking like an exploding nebula or some such shit, a strain of flu prepares to have its ass whipped and lil’ tentacle dealies torn off by a new flu vaccine. That’s right folks, scientists at Oxford University believe a vaccine capable of combating EVERY strain of flu is just around the corner. And just around my corner? A homeless man who’ll yell at you if you don’t give him a quarter. Oxford University: 1, my neighborhood: 0 (and -4 after dark!) The treatment - using a new technique and tested for the first time on humans infected with flu - targets a different part of the flu virus to traditional vaccines, meaning it does not need expensive reformulation every year to match the most prevalent virus that is circulating the world. Developed by a team led by Dr Sarah Gilbert at Oxford’s Jenner Institute, the vaccine targets proteins inside the flu virus that are common across all strains, instead of those that sit on the virus’s external coat, which are liable to mutate. If used widely a universal flu vaccine could prevent pandemics, such as the swine flu outbreaks of recent years, and end the need for a seasonal flu jab. Sure it could prevent pandemics, ooooor it could cause the flu to mutate into some sort of zombie virus that makes all our penises fall off and wanna eat each others’ brains. Huh? No not nuts you pervert — actual brains! Then where are we left? We?! There’s no we! Your zombie ass is gonna be left on an island! “Hey, as long as it’s the island from LOST.” Ha, “the island from LOST.” YOU’LL GET ICELAND AND LIKE IT! Flu breakthrough promises a vaccine to kill all strains [guardian] Thanks to Jason, who agrees the best way to combat the flu is pounding some curry as hot as you can stand it at least once a week. If your ass doesn’t spontaneously Mt. Vesuvius on you later that night, you did it wrong. Trust me, I crap my pants on the reg and haven’t been sick in years.

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Scientists One Step Closer To ‘Universal Flu Vaccine’ (Cue Unstoppable Supervirus)

Astrology, arguably the most credible of all the sciences (it can predict your future!), has apparently needed a facelift for some time, but, like gravity and plastics taking so long to invent, had managed to fly under the radar . That is, until now . Also, there’s a bonus, previously unused Zodiac sign that’s now in alignment! *cue ‘National Treasure 3′ theme* Astronomer Parke Kunkle tells NBC news that due to the Earth’s changing alignment in the last 3000 years, the sign you are born into now are different than they were long ago. Plus, some astronomers believe there is a 13th Zodiac sign called Ophiuchus, which falls between Scorpio and Sagittarius. “This is not something that happened today. This has gone on for thousands of years,” says Kunkle. “Because of this change of tilt, the Earth is really over here in effect and Sun is in a different constellation than it was 3,000 years ago.” So astrology enthusiasts should be using these dates, which reflect the current alignment of the Sun, Earth and stars. Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16 Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11 Pisces: March 11- April 18 Aries: April 18- May 13 Taurus: May 13- June 21 Gemini: June 21- July 20 Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10 Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16 Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30 Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23 Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29 Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17 Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20 Whew, still a Leo. What about you, did you change signs? Because you certainly didn’t change clothes — that’s the same shit you wore yesterday! Haha, what do you mean, how could I tell? Gee I dunno — the ‘KICK ME’ sign, maybe? *punt* *squeak* OMG TELL ME YOU DID NOT JUST FART ON MY SHOE. Ophiuchus, new Zodiac sign dates and your real astrological sign [zap2it] Thanks to smessica, koolaidzeus and Staticwolf, who are all Cobras. Commanders?! PLEEAAAASE LET ME SEE YOUR FACES!

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The Signs Of The Zodiac Have Changed, You’re Now A Cancer (To Society Anyway)

Wow, what a picture . Somebody must’ve opted for the deluxe package at Sears Portrait Studio! A study at the University of Washington’s Institute for Learning and Brain Sciences took a sample of 64 18-month-old babies, who were all tested individually. The experimental test had the babies sit on their parents’ laps, facing a remote-controlled humanoid robot. Sitting next to the robot was Rechele Brooks, one of the researchers on the study. Brooks and the robot (controlled remotely by an unseen researcher) would then engage in a 90-second skit, in which Brooks interacted with the robot as if it was a child, asking questions like “Where is your tummy?” and “Where is your head?” The robot would in turn point to its different parts. The robot would also imitate a few arm movements, like waving back and forth. The babies who watched this skit looked back and forth between the robot and Brooks as if “at a ping-pong match,” said Brooks. After the skit, Brooks left the room, leaving the baby and the robot alone. The robot would then beep and shift slightly to get the baby’s attention, and then turn to look at a nearby toy. In 13 out of 16 cases, the baby would follow the robot’s gaze, suggesting that the baby sees the robot as a sentient being, that what the robot looks at might be of interest to the baby as well. Babies at that age distinguish between, say, a swivel chair’s movement and a person’s movement, and will only follow the person. But in following the robot, the study suggests that the baby has decided that robot is a human being. I’m not gonna lie, that doesn’t even sound like a well-designed experiment. What it does sound like is child abuse. But what do I know? I’m just a man who was raised by super-intelligent beings from another galaxy to come save your sorry asses from the robots when the time arises. And you better hope I’m not on the john at said time. Because I sit there until my legs go numb and I’ll be in no shape to fight robots for at least 20 minutes. 30 if I decide to make a snack after because I just cleared some room. In New Study, Babies Think A Silvery Robot Is Human, As Long As It Acts Friendly [popsci] Thanks to Mih0, Jeff and Kelly, who’s babies will never mistake robots for people because they’ve got a little something I like to call Anti-Robot Intuition.

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Study: Babies Mistake Robot For A Human

Man, scientists be all kinds of pissin’ me off lately. I may have to start siding with the Juggalos on this one. Thing is, I really don’t know how magnets work. I always thought there were tiny wizards in there. Anyway, a group of Slovenian “scientists” are ignorning Asimov’s first rule of robotics and having a robot punch the shit out of humans. Possibly literally! (I know I would) There [Slovenia], a powerful robot has been hitting people over and over again in a bid to induce anything from mild to unbearable pain …. But the robo-battering is all in a good cause, insists Borut Pove, who has ethical approval for the work from the University of Ljubljana, where he conducted the research. He has persuaded six male colleagues to let a powerful industrial robot repeatedly strike them on the arm, to assess human-robot pain thresholds. It’s not because he thinks the first law of robotics is too constraining to be of any practical use, but rather to help future robots adhere to the rule. “Even robots designed to Asimov’s laws can collide with people. We are trying to make sure that when they do, the collision is not too powerful,” Pove says. “We are taking the first steps to defining the limits of the speed and acceleration of robots, and the ideal size and shape of the tools they use, so they can safely interact with humans.” Really? The University of Lubjubjama? Because based on the name alone I’m not sure they have the authority to be passing out ethical approvals. OR diplomas. Flyers for a furniture liquidations sale maybe . Robot arm punches human to obey Asimov’s rules [newscientist] and Robots learning our pain threshold by punching humans and seeing if they cry [engadget] Thanks to Jon, Dj Azer, EroticHamster, Kevin, Juan, Oli4, Kara and Schmitty, who would knock a robot’s block off before ever getting punched by one.

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You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me!: Scientists Experiment With A Human-Punching Robot

Seen here practicing its pews , an unmanned robotic death & destruction copter went rogue while flying around Washington DC . I suspect it was coming to my old apartment. Thank God I never forwarded my mail! A software error, combined with an unfortunate user action, led to a US military robot helicopter - developed from a manned version and capable of carrying a fearsome arsenal of weapons - straying into restricted airspace near Washington DC, according to reports. Losses of communications between unmanned aircraft and ground operators are a routine event, but seldom have serious consequences. Robot planes and choppers lacking instructions from their human masters will normally circle where they are when comms go down, and control is almost always restored shortly thereafter… The difference here is that the MQ-8 failed to follow its built-in failure protocol, instead continuing on course. Unmanned aircraft are generally restricted to operations in special military-controlled airspace and are forbidden to enter areas governed by normal civil rules. Did you read that? It failed to follow its built-in failure protocol. Try to explain that, robot-apocalypse naysayers! It’s coming. And when it does, oh boy, when it does . I’m gonna shit bricks! Hopefully gold ones . ROBOT KILL-CHOPPER GOES ROGUE above Washington DC! [theregister] (who may or may not have learned they know about headline writing from yours truly) Thanks to Tracy, spotisfocus, Mikey D., alan, Tareek, Chris, Mesnard, Matt and APOCALYPSE PAUL, who would have shot that beast out of the sky and made a laptop out of its guts. You, uh, sure that’s safe?

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DEFCON 1! — We Have A Situation!: Robotic Death-Chopper Goes Rogue Over DC

Earth, wind and fire tornadoes . This is what the apocalypse looks like. “Oh really? Then where are all the make-believe killer robots you’re always crying about, GW?” Above, you dumbass! A ‘fire tornado’ has been caught on camera in the Brazilian municipality of Aracatuba, caused by strong, dry winds that fanned wildfires. A whirlwind of flames spiralling several metres high danced across fields, bringing traffic to a halt on a nearby road, before it disappeared. The phenomenon followed weeks of drought which have sparked brush fires across the country. I mean fire tornadoes seem pretty cool and all, but you know what would be even cooler? Fire taquitos . BOOM — an hour later I’m making my own fire tornadoes to battle Poseidon’s toilet-bowl whirlpools. Who will win? Not whoever has to use the bathroom next, that’s for sure! Because they’re definitely losing. Brain cells, motor skills, you name it. Hit the jump for a short video of the apocalypse in action.

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Toto, I Don’t Think We’re In Kansas Anymore I’m Pretty Sure We’re In Hell: Fire Tornadoes

Because even God shines his starlight favorably on me for my birthday, the Perseid meteor shower will reach its peak tonight, possibly signaling the apocalypse . Did I mention Mars, Venus, Saturn and the crescent moon will all be clustered together as well? We’re as good as dead. Suck it 2012, you don’t have shit on my 2010 birthday! Across the Northern Hemisphere, the best time to watch the Perseid meteor shower will be tonight through the pre-dawn hours local time Friday, regardless of where you live. Weather permitting, patient skywatchers could see a shooting star every minute or so. Meanwhile, Venus, Mars and Saturn are clustered in the evening sky and will be joined tonight and Friday by the graceful crescent moon. Anyone with clear skies can easily spot the foursome looming above the western horizon as soon as darkness falls. While the planets and our moon are all very far apart in space, they appear lined up this week thanks to a special circumstance of orbital mechanics. The outer planets, Mars and Saturn, take much longer to go around the sun than the inner planet Venus. Venus “laps” the outer planets frequently, and it never strays far from the sun from our vantage point. Now I’m not suggesting you all walk out of work right now and start birthday partying with me until the Meteor Shower of the Apocalypse arrives, but you and I both know it’s the right thing to do. Seriously — how do you want to spend your final hours: working for the man OR GETTING BELLIGERENT WITH THE GW AND SKIPPING OUT ON OUR TAB? Balls are gross in your court. Spectacular Meteor Shower and Rare Planet Alignment Coincide [yahoonews]

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Star Gazing!: Meteor Shower Peaks Tonight

Seen here demonstrating how Power Wheels are made, this is the The Shadow Hawk Street Hawk: coming soon to my driveway elevator garage . Okay maybe not. But only because I could never part with the Tercel. The Street Hawk is the first vehicle with 46 inches of independent wheel travel without camber or caster compromise. The ride height or ground clearance is adjustable from zero to 44 inches while in motion. The Street Hawk has 1,100 horsepower, 1,805 foot pounds of torque and has a highway estimated 22mpg. The vehicle is all-wheel-drive with 40 inch tall, 15.5 inch wide tires and 22 inch wheels. The air suspended seats are hand crafter to the driver’s specific proportions. From the driver’s seat you can control the vehicles pitch, roll and overall ride height using D-pad controls beneath your fingertips. The Street Hawk is the best on-road performing Shadow Hawk. With an overall weight of 4,800 pounds, the Street Hawk can accelerate from 0 to 60mph in 3.5 seconds and has a calculated top speed of 208mph . The vehicle uses an innovative actijavascript:void(0);ve suspension system that leans into corners and maintains the ideal camber and caster geometry throughout operation. Production is set at 12 units per year with the first vehicle available in late 2011. I want one. No, I NEED one. And they start at only $1.2 million. I’m gonna buy all of next year’s production! In my dreams. And speaking of my dreams: I had one last night where I was making out with a werewolf (I blame Twilight ). So yeah, what’s that mean? And, completely unrelated, any idea why my dog’s been hiding under the bed all day? Must be sick. Hit the jump for a bunch more pictures.

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DO WANT: Street Hawk Urban Assault Vehicle