That’s the problem: people don’t wait until they have something WORTH posting. This is the first video ever uploaded to Youtube by one of the website’s co-founders on April 23, 1955 2005. It…is a giant turd . I really think it set a precedent for the 99.9% of videos on Youtube that suck ass and never should have been uploaded in the first place. *banging head on keyboard* WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN A CAT VIDEO?! Hit the jump for why elephants are so interesting. SPOILER: It’s their trunks!

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Wow, That Sucked: First Video Uploaded To Youtube

Plus they can stop on a dime. According to a research article published by the University of Louisiana, this is the recently discovered New Guinea Paedophryne amauensis , the world’s new smallest vertebrate. Which — come on — show a little backbone, will ya? Haha, that was an Indiana Jones quote. You know, from the scene where he’s in the airplane and the pilot’s pet snake is between his legs. Indy hates snakes! Me? I hate everything. Averaging less than one-third of an inch (7.7 millimeters) in length, the frogs are able to fit in the center of a U.S. dime. Paedophryne amauensis steals its tiny crown from Paedocypris progenetica , an Indonesian fish that averages over eight millimeters in length. Wow, could you imagine being that small? The world would seem so giant. But to us humans, it’s tiny. I mean, we can travel around the entire planet in like, what, 80 days now? Technology! World’s Tiniest Vertebrate, Paedophryne Amauensis Frog, Discovered In New Guinea [huffingtonpost] and Ecological Guild Evolution and the Discovery of the World’s Smallest Vertebrate [plosone] (official scientific mumbo-jumbo paper) Thanks to Rev Dr Dom, who found an even smaller frog in his soup one time but didn’t tell anybody because he really likes the restaurant’s dessert and didn’t want them to get closed down.

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Teensy Weensy!: The World’s New Smallest Vertebrate

A face not even a great-grandmother could love. Seen here looking like something out of a survival horror video game , a group of recently discovered and near extinct snub-nosed monkeys are captured on film for the first time (previously: a Photoshop rendition ). Clearly they’re not endangered because of the pet trade. Heavy snows in January and constant rain in April made expeditions to set the camera traps difficult. “We were dealing with very tough conditions in a remote and rugged area that contained perhaps fewer than 200 monkeys,” said Jeremy Holden, who led the camera trapping team. “We didn’t know exactly where they lived, and I didn’t hold out much hope of short term success with this work.” But in May a small group of snub-nosed monkeys walked past one of the cameras and into history. “We were very surprised to get these pictures,” said Saw Soe Aung, a field biologist who set the cameras. “It was exciting to see that some of the females were carrying babies - a new generation of our rarest primate.” The monkeys, who are limited to a small range in Myanmar near China, are endangered due to habitat loss and hunting. Hunting — or shooting because you thought it was a demon coming to steal your soul? Because one time I spent a whole night posted up in my bedroom window shooting zombies with a BB gun and calling 911 until the cops showed up and told me it was Halloween. My bad! Hit the jump for the faceless Michael Jackson tribute monkey.

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First Photos Of The Near-Extinct Snub-Nosed Monkey

Seen here falling for the ol’ fish head on a hook trick, the world’s first documented hybrid shark stares into the camera with a googly eye. Scientists believe the species is humping around in direct response to climate change, which I believe. It’s too f***ing hot in here, I’m gonna bang a hammerhead. “This is evolution in action.” The Australian black-tip is slightly smaller than its common cousin and can only live in tropical waters, but its hybrid offspring have been found 2,000 kilometres down the coast, in cooler seas. It means the Australian black-tip could be adapting to ensure its survival as sea temperatures change because of global warming. “If it hybridises with the common species it can effectively shift its range further south into cooler waters, so the effect of this hybridising is a range expansion,” Morgan said. “It’s enabled a species restricted to the tropics to move into temperate waters.” Wow, could you even imagine if great whites decided they were gonna start humping other sharks? Because that would be f***ing terrifying. But mostly just for the other shark. World-first hybrid shark found off Australia [yahoonews] Thanks to Matt, who agrees a couple more years and those shitty b-movies like Sharktopus and Squidigator aren’t gonna seem so stupid after all.

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Fill The Oceans With Concrete!: Hybrid Sharks Exist

Miami dead animal artist Enrique Gomez De Molina was recently arrested and faces up to 5-years in jail and $250K in fines after illegally smuggling in the remains of rare and endangered animals to make his Frankensculptures. For shame, Enrique! How much for a female mannequin with the head of a dinosaur? According to the report, he is charged with possessing the skins of a Java kingfisher, collared kingfisher, bird of paradise, and juvenile hawk-eagle as well as the carcasses of a slow loris and a mouse deer, all from Indonesia. The artist had not obtained the required permits to import the animal parts, and police claim De Molina knew what he was doing was illegal as he asked the people he bought them from to wrap them in carbon paper, according to the MN Times. The artist claims that he aimed to raise awareness with his work to the danger faced by a range of species… Ah yes, the old “raise awareness by partaking in the same practices responsible for the animal’s near extinction in the first place”. Now that is what I call ART. A piece made from the very thing it speaks against. Reminds me of my most recent project. It was called ‘PLEASE DON’T STINK’. And? And was just ‘PLEASE DON’T STINK’ spelled out really big on the carpet in dog turds. “Jesus — what the hell is wrong with you?” I’m ahead of my time! Hit the jump for a whole bunch more ark-missers.

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Man Arrested For Taxidermy-ing Together Mutant Animals From Illegal/Endangered Species

Louis Armstrong: hands down one of my favorite musicians of all time. Granted he didn’t actually write ‘ What A Wonderful World ‘, but he is the best to perform it (with Israel Kamakawiwo?ole’s coming in a very close second). You ever spent a night drinking and listening to old jazz records in the dark with the windows open? It’s a spiritual experience. This is a BBC commercial featuring David Attenborough (another favorite of mine!) “singing” (read: talking) ‘What A Wonderful World’, all set to various nature clips. You know, sometimes I need a reminder that the world isn’t actually the giant shithole I’ve built it up to be in my mind. This? This is that reminder. Hit the jump for the video.

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David Attenborough "Sings" ‘What A Wonderful World’

This is a newly discovered species of Yeti (NOT Batman ) crab. It’s similar to the other hairy-armed Yeti crabs except this one grows edible bacteria on its arms by methodically waving them around in front of deep sea methane vents. And speaking of deep sea methane vents: blue whales . You don’t want to be sitting in a dinghy when one of those fart bubbles surfaces! Hit the jump for two short videos, one of the hairy arm waving, one of chow-time.

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New Yeti Crab Farms Bacteria On Its Arms To Eat

What you’re looking at are incredibly thin pieces of lab-grown beef. Pretty appetizing, right? “They look like scabs with little pieces of Band-Aid stuck in them.” Mmmmmmm, scabs . I just had one on my knee that was almost ready for harvest but it came off in the bed and I haven’t been able to find it. Sucks too, it was a thick one. These petri dishes contain thin strips of 100% lab-grown muscle tissue, synthesized from animal stem cells harvested from slaughterhouses. They contain no blood and no fat (hence the weird look), and are “exercised” by being stretched between a couple tabs of Velcro. By piling about 3,000 of these strips together and throwing in some synthesized fat, it’ll be possible (within the year) to create the first ever burger that didn’t come from an animal. Once that has been achieved, we can set about tweaking the meat to look and taste the way we want it to, which shouldn’t be too difficult. So, for all you meat-eaters out there: what do you find more bothersome: knowing that the meat you’re eating came from something that used to have a face… or didn’t? Because I used to know this guy at the Underground Pub in Blacksburg who told me he once infiltrated a top-secret government testing facility where they were growing human organs in human “factories” that didn’t have heads or limbs or anything like that. That shit freaked me out. Plus one time he stood in front of the dart board backwards and made us throw darts at him. $345,000 will buy you a hamburger grown in a petri dish [dvice] Thanks to beebs, who doesn’t eat anything that comes from a lab except cotton balls . Those…aren’t part of the food pyramid.

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First Lab-Grown Burger Coming Soon, $345,000

PETA , best known for always going about things the wrong way , has now taken exception to the Mario franchise, citing Mario’s tandoori Tanooki suit sends children the message that it’s okay to wear fur. That…is a stretch. A loooooooong one. Like if I tied my penis to a lightpole then sped off in a car. When on a mission to rescue the princess, Mario has been known to use any means necessary to defeat his enemy — even wearing the skin of a raccoon dog to give him special powers. Tanooki may be just a “suit” in Mario games, but in real life, tanuki are raccoon dogs who are skinned alive for their fur. By wearing Tanooki, Mario is sending the message that it’s OK to wear fur. Listen: I’m all for the ethical treatment of animals (the actual ethical treatment of animals — not the organization), but this is ridiculous. I’m not saying PETA has run out of fights to pick, but come on. No kid plays Mario and then moves “raccoon dog suit” to the top of their Christmas list. I do know a kid that asks for Yoshi every year though. Me, I’m talking about me. Official PETA Site (with a shitty game to play and mandatory “look at these dead tanuki” video. and PETA vs. Super Mario 3D Land [nintendo3dsblog] Thanks to The Emortal, Sean and FableMomma, who’re confused why PETA doesn’t take exception to all koopa stomping as well. I know, right?! I like tuttles.

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Get Real: PETA Vs. The Mario Bros. Franchise

This is Frank & Louie (presumably after Frank & Stein), a 12-year old cat born with two faces and mouths, and three eyes. He just made it into the Guinness Book of World Records for being the longest-lived Janus cat (named after the Roman god of transitions because of the two faces and all). But worry not — there’s no need to shed a trio of tears for the kitty , apparently he’s healthy and happy despite the fact his owner takes him for walks on a leash (oh come on — he’s a cat, lady!). Regardless, I think we can all agree that not only did Frank & Louie just win his way into the record books, but our hearts things to think about to subdue an awkward boner as well. Meow! Hit the jump for a video of two faces I’m not totally convinced yet a mother could love.

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Aww, I Love Ya You Little Freak!: Frank & Louie, The 12-Year Old Two-Faced Cat